I have closely been watching my husband for signs of cheating. I noticed many cell phone calls to 3 different numbers on a daily basis and the time spent ranged from 5 to 45 minutes. This was going on for several months, until I finally confronted him. He admitted to calling a lady friend that we both know, but stated that this was only for trouble shooting her computer. This lady is married and I have always suspected about her and my husband. More recently, I found email from her that talked about her feelings about him and his feelings about him. Explicitly saying that he loved her and that she would always love him. He states that this was just him teasing her, but he really wanted to see how far she would go. I went and visited her and she denied being the one that emailed him. I have not told her husband, but I just can't seem to forgive this. I am trying to let it go, but the thoughts of him cheating on me just are tearing me apart. What do you people think? Help!
It depends whether you consider cheating to be having sex with someone else. Personally speaking, if I found out that my partner had been sayin/doing what you describe of your husband I would be LIVID, even if I knew no sex was involved. It's all about trust, loyalty, honesty, partnership. None of which he appears to have shown you. He has been deceptive and disloyal at the very least, regardless of whether any sex took place. Cheating with your mind is no different to cheating with your body, IMO. Just because a guy wants to be intimate with another woman, does not make it right because he never actually touched her. You have 2 choices: if you can't forgive him then your relationship is over. However, if you think you can use this as an oppotunity to fix your marriage, then go for it. Only you know how you feel. Either way, something somewhere is very wrong and it needs to be worked on immediately. You need to understand why he is doing what he has been (at the very least, having an inappropriate relationship with another woman) and find out what it is that has motivated him to be this friendly with her.
Problem is, until you get him to admit it, all you have are suspicions. Has he become more protective of his email and/or cell phone as a result of your snooping? In my sad experience, that is even more of a giveaway.
Are there any other changes in behavior, habits, schedule?
Location: Alberta (Born in the Hometwon of the Calgary Flames!!)
Posts: 1,422
Honey i think you already know the answer to your question....... a line was definately crossed..... if he didnt have a physical relationship yet he def had an emotional one...... id say be very careful and always always..... go with your first instinct or gut feelings. never ignore them.
I agree with Lost but you if you want to work this out you are still going to have to get him to admit to it. Affairs can be emotional, physical or both. I ask about the other possible clues so that if you bring them all up to him in conversation, he'll be more apt to admit to his cheating.
It doesnt sound good. I mean, why would he CARE how far she would go? I dont understand that one.
He needs to know that you are not happy at all with this and it is unacceptable! Its obvious she has some type of feelings for him and he is only cheering her on. I would think if he thought she had feelings for him, out of respect for you, he would have told her to shove it!!
I dont think you should let this go. There is something not right.
Just because a guy wants to be intimate with another woman, does not make it right because he never actually touched her.
Well then I'm doomed for having "lusted in my heart" for BOTH Demi Moore, Jennifer Beals, and Debra Winger (Oh, come on, don't tell me you guys never saw the bull riding scene from Urban Cowboy without some lust!).
I agree the guy probably took his "friendship" too far, and needs someone to leash him in, but castration would be to much. And I don't mean literally castrating; I mean destroying his natural attraction to EVERY female, including his wife. This is where I see you leading Marimer
What you consider doing with Demi Moore is fantasy. If you were emailing her and calling her and telling her you love her, and she the same to you, all behind your wife's back, THAT is not acceptable. Sorry.
When I was with my ex-girlfriend, I never looked or thought about another woman in any other way except as a person. The reason, I was in love with my partner and did not need to look or fantasize as she fulfilled all my needs both mentally and sexually. If you need to look at somebody else then it is a sign that you are bored in some way with what you already have.
I was married before her for 11 years to a woman with whom I had a son. We married out of respect to our parents when she fell pregnant. We were both young and married for the wrong reasons and tried to make it work for our son, hence lasting 11 years. We were never really in love and it showed as we both fantasized during sex etc. as we were not meant to be together. We both sat down, discussed this and realised we could not live a lie just for our son. We only had sex as a basic need and it demeaned both of us, as we were not in love. The split was fine and amicable (unfortunately the divorce was not).
My advice is to sit down and really talk (without arguing as you will not get truthful responses from either of you) and discuss if you are really happy with each other or not. If there is something there, then save it; if not then agree to go your separate ways.
Take it from me, a loveless marriage will wear you or both of you down and precious time will be wasted when you should be with someone whom loves and respects you in every way.
I am sorry to hear of your discoveries. I have to agree with others above. Three months of IT support on the cell phone sounds strange. His explanation for the emails is pretty bad. You probably know the answer...but you deserve to get the straight answer from him. You have him pretty cornered, so you may want to take Gold's advice and get him in a non-threatening environment. Try to get everything out on the table, then decide.
Thank you everyone for your words support and advice. He did admit to having a relationship with her. But again he referred to it as just following her lead. He really didn't mean anything. She on the other hand denied everything, strangely her email address and screen name disappeared after I visited her. Also one of the emails referred to her as having a birthday and that he was her best birthday gift. She admitted to having a birthday recently but denied spending it with him. He basically just said that he did not spend anytime with her on her birthday. The big surprise is that her name was her screen name written backwards. Anyways, she still denied the whole thing. So, here is a little of what I have been living since December 3, 2003. Please and thank you for letting me vent. I am seriously tending towards separation or divorce. Big words! He on the other hand is acting like he doesn't understand why I am so upset.
You mean he hasn't accused you of being hormonal??? I can't tell you what I think of him, now. ********!!!! As long as you know that you're the sane one, here. You know what you know. It's a pity that he hasn't seized this opportunity to give a full and frank account of what's been going on. How can you both rebuild you marriage until he does this? How can you even contemplate rebuilding trust again? Good luck with which ever decision you make.
She is scared that you will confront her husband with regards to the situation. Both her and your husband sound like they want the danger and fun (fun to them, myself I find it disgusting and hurtful) of an affair, but the security of having the unknowing partner at home waiting for them. Don't bother telling her husband as it would probably backfire and you.
As for your situation, he sounds like he thinks that he can just palm you off with denial and you would willingly accept this. Don't get angry with him, but tell him that you are not willing to accept his answers. If you do want to save the relationship, push for the truth of both the affair and the problems with your marriage. ( do you have any kids?).
As for separation/divorce :- think about it calmly for a week or two before coming to a decision and after having a chat with him. Do not tell him about your intentions with a split as he would probably lie to save his own skin ( from what you have already said, anyway). He probably feels in control of the situation and didn't expect you to find out. The excuse of following her lead is total pants and bollocks, you only do what you want to do, so blaming her is a coward's way out.
I really feel for your situation and hope you come to an acceptable decision for your own piece of mind and happiness, you sound like you need it.
Goldfinger,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Yes, I do have kids, I have 3. The truth is that I have been suspicious for at least 10 years, but never really had anything concrete to go by. We attended marriage counseling approximately 5 years ago, because I kept on feeling that he was cheating on me. Through counseling, we stayed together. He made me think that this was just paranoid obsessive thoughts. I always thought it was this same woman. By the way, she has a great husband, and 5 beautiful girls and she has never had to work in her life. I know this family very well. I keep going from feeling betrayed, to feeling angry to feeling unsure about how to proceed. Breaking up is not easy, especially after 18 years.
If you were emailing her and calling her and telling her you love her, and she the same to you, all behind your wife's back, THAT is not acceptable. Sorry.
Well, I guess there's still hope for me yet since Demi hasn't returned my emails or calls that have proclaimed my deep true love for her.
I'll agree that the husband in this picture hasn't played it straight, OK? But come on, 10 years of suspision might drive me to it also. Its call fufilling your expectations my dear. If I'm going to put up with a decade of accusations that might not have any basis, then eventually I might decide to make them real.
Sorry, InLoKo; you've seemed to have lost perspective when dismissing the real possibilities:
Quote:
You mean he hasn't accused you of being hormonal??? I can't tell you what I think of him, now. ********!!!! As long as you know that you're the sane one, here.
I cannot tell who is at fault, (I do see a number of red flags that have me believe this story isn't one sided as InLoko has judged) but of one thing I'm sure: With three children, this family will suffer tremendous collateral damage from a divorce, and their welfare had better remain the driving force behind whatever Marimer intends to do.
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