[vixen]

The co-worker i was dating, is a very quiet gentle man, who didn't have much experience in the ways of women. So i was taking my time, building up a trust, doing things in such a manner so he would know that i had no intent of hurting him. I was honest from the beginning, i said i don't want a serious relationship, that this can go no where. I thought he understood that. I hadn't told him about the 2 other gentlemen in my life. I was waiting for a good moment mind you. There were no good opportunities. I couldn't tell him at work, we would get interrupted, i couldn't tell him on the phone, to impersonal he might take it the wrong way. So i was simply waiting for our coffee date. Eye to eye sort of thing. I mean, i was also waiting for the right time. He's such the type to shell up that i didn't want him to scare off so quickly. I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him. He'd get over that self doubt that was a lump in his life. He'd see himself for the truly great man he is. *sigh* But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb. I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq. And that's just what he did. He read all of my posts, most of them at least, but while quizzing him seems like he read em all. So he found out about the MIT guy and the Army guy the wrong way. He seems a bit miffed, but he was no where as miffed as i was. I couldn't belive he spied on me. All he had to do is wait one more day, less then 24 hours and i would have told him in my own terms. He is grateful to me for what I've shown him thus far. How I've opened the world up to him. But he said he has morals that would get in the way. I laughed and said where were your morals when it came to my privacy. After all of you here on this board are faceless, you have never met me, i can get an opinion and not feel it is biased in any way. It would seem there is nothing for it. He has ruined what we had. It was fun, but thankfully my "don't get emotionally involved with anyone one" plan makes me feel quite all right. I don't hurt over this. I feel a bit disappointed in him for doing such a thing i belive was not really in his character. But say la V.

Keep in mind that at any moment someone you are talking about can find this page. I've always known it, i mentioned the page to him and immediately said not to go to it, don't go looking for it, leave it be it's my private page. He betrayed my trust, i can no longer make life an open book for him. He's on his own once again.

[Kat]

Vixen, it is sad that while you were trying to help, it didn't work. We always try to help people, but in truth if they don't want to do it themselves, no amount of effort from us will work.

My partner has forums he goes on which I don't go to. They are were he has his 'privacy'. He knows about this place, I have no idea if he has read it or not. I think he hopped on once and had a read, nothing I say here am I hiding from him, so if he did find it, it may just save me some talking

But when push comes to shove, he betrayed your trust and that isn't on.

Hang in there sweety *hugs*

[vixen]

Kat you are evermore my sisiter. I here you and you echo me. LOL The other 2 guys i'm dateing know about each other, and if they found this board they'd only find that i think of them offten. XD If coworker had found this board wendsday his fealings about it would have been diffrent. Sigh, curiosity killed the cat.

[brashgal]

Did you actually tell him "don't look on Loveshack"? Mention it by name? If so, I think you set him up. Not sure what else you expected, it's human nature to be curious.

[moimeme]

I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq

With all due respect, was that really wise? I've told friends about the Shack, but I only ever say it's a relationship discussion forum and I absolutely do not give them the name. Of course he'd be curious! Perhaps next time you'll be more circumspect about the actual name of the board.

[Tony T]

"Keep in mind that at any moment someone you are talking about can find this page. I've always known it, i mentioned the page to him and immediately said not to go to it, don't go looking for it, leave it be it's my private page. He betrayed my trust, i can no longer make life an open book for him. He's on his own once again."

Hell yeah!!! The nature of humans is to be curious. You tell most people not to go somewhere and look, especially a relationship board, and they'll be right there.

[jenny]

aack - that sucks he invaded your privacy!!! arggh!

i thought you had said, however, that all your respective gents already knew about one another because that made your multi-relationships ethical and therefore celebratory? in which case there would not be a problem with what he read.

here we go:

As for the multiple guys thing, i tell them i am seeing other guys because i feel it is respectful to them to let them know i don't want to date anyone exclusively. They then make the decision, stay and make a bid for me, or decide to much work and settle to be friends. I don't think it warrants any mind games since i hate mind games and don't play them. I'm striate forward with everyone i know

and you confirmed that you told all of them in the multiplier XD thread, as well. i think multi-relationships are terrific and healthy, so long as they are straight up. and, if you're going to lie to them, at least be straight up about that.

[Errol]

I guess I'm taking this post in a different way & I don't know your history. But did this guy ask you to "help" him? It sounds like you took it upon yourself to "fix" him somehow. That is not up to you.

The co-worker i was dating, is a very quiet gentle man, who didn't have much experience in the ways of women. So i was taking my time, building up a trust, doing things in such a manner so he would know that i had no intent of hurting him. I was honest from the beginning, i said i don't want a serious relationship, that this can go no where. I thought he understood that.

You've seen on this board alone how many people have developed feelings for those who have clearly told them that nothing would come of it. I read this above paragraph like "I was trying to show this quiet man with little experience how great I am, and I would tease him and show him what I was like, but I was honest enough to tell him that we would go no-where so trust me to never love you." Never mind that not all women are like you and that even if he did learn something from you it won't necessarily apply to the next woman. You had no intent of hurting him -- yeah, well ever hear the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? He might have understood intellectually that you would never have a lasting relationship -- but the heart plays a lot of tricks on intellect.

He's such the type to shell up that i didn't want him to scare off so quickly. I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him.

This seems so arrogant! Are you a licensed counselor? Did you believe that there would be no future for him without your help? There will be a woman that will come along in his life and fall in love with him and won't tease him and try to "fix" him. Will he trust her after you? You say you are friends, but you don't want to scare him off. Scare him off of what? YOU needed to show him about dates--why? For his benefit or your own?

But unfortunately he's... well it would seem he's dumb. I told him, the only thing i didn't want him to do was go looking for the loveshaq. And that's just what he did. He read all of my posts, most of them at least, but while quizzing him seems like he read em all. So he found out about the MIT guy and the Army guy the wrong way. He seems a bit miffed, but he was no where as miffed as i was.

It doesn't sound to me like he's the dumb one. You told him where NOT to look -- that's like telling someone that you are leaving your diary open on your bed and will be gone for a while -- please don't read it. Most people will look --and this is a public forum. I'm glad he did. That probably taught him more than anything else you 'intended' to teach him-- reading your posts and then listening to you quiz him! Poor guy. Sounds like you hurt him more than anything else. I'm sure that your deception/manipulation will help his trust issues.

Hey guy - if you are reading this please don't give up on women or relationships. Just be yourself and follow your own interests and if/when you get hurt - let it go, chalk it up as experience - remember each person is an individual and take the positives from each relationship, and move on.

This girl apparently likes you enough to have put some effort - misdirected though it may have been - into getting to know you, and cared enough to try to shield you instead of being upfront with you. Sounds more like she was mothering you than dating you -- hope you don't start feeling like you were dating your mother! You WILL need therapy then! But apparently her caring was honest so take that as a positive and move on.

[moimeme]

He might have understood intellectually that you would never have a lasting relationship -- but the heart plays a lot of tricks on intellect.

I think this is a great point and one that needs emphasizing. People think they can say 'don't get involved with me' and that will be all that's needed for the other to not have feelings. We all know that nobody works like that.
In the great words of Blaise Pascal;
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

[lostforwords]

vixen i hate to say this... but i too think you may have set him up. Unfortunately for you you most likely lost a good friend...... my concern also is do you honestly think you could have changed this mans esteem or shell he wa sin?. it almost appears as if you were doing him a disservice by getting involved with him in the first place. forgive me if im wrong..... i really havent read much into your plights just breifly here and there..... however.... i cant help but feel the way the othe rposters feel as well...

But say la V.

its cest la vie.... Good luck hun!!!!

[moimeme]

I needed to show him what a good thing it was to go out on dates. To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself. I knew full well there was no future for us, but with my help, there can be a future for him.

While it might have been, as Errol points out, a noble if misguided intent, you really need to rethink this particular brand of benevolence. It's one thing to befriend someone, genuinely care for his welfare, and, in your role as friend, support him. It's quite another to assign oneself the task of fixing someone by play-acting at what he might have, if only he changed the way you think he ought.

To experience fun with a woman, who finds him genuinely attractive in all manners. So he can see the good in himself.

Great - finds him 'genuinely attractive' but not attractive enough to have a long-term relationship with? There's a lesson I'm guessing he'd prefer not to learn; that he's great, but not good enough!!!!

You've treated this guy like a 'case'! I have to agree with Errol in thinking that it seems pretty egotistical of you to think you can bestow yourself upon some poor hapless fellow and thereby enhance his wretched life.

LostFW:
its cest la vie

Well, actually, it's c'est la vie

[lostforwords]

LostFW:
its cest la vie

Well, actually, it's c'est la vie

ROFL!!! OOPS my bad...... feeling saucy today are we moimeme?!!

[moimeme]

What, me saucy?

[steveb]

I have told my wife that I was bouncing thoughts and asking opinions from a board.
I told her it was very helpful to discuss things both with people with similar and not similar situations.

I did not tell her the board's name, and I do not access it from her computer login because I know without a doubt that I have said things that may hurt her feelings.

[wiseOLDman]

Sorry Vixen, I'm with Errol on this one. You fed your lab rat the pellets and led him thru the maze. Can't blame him for jumping over the wall when you put the food on the table and walked away.