Hi,
I'm new to this forum and have been seeing a married man for coming on two years. I did not know he was married until six months into the relationship. We live a bit of a way from each other. There is so much I want to say as I have never spoken with anyone about my situation. I don't even know if what I am feeling is normal any more.
There have been promises of divorce but obstacles come up. I know nothing of his personal life, I only know where he lives because of the internet, not any information he was willing to give up. Same with his job. He has spent the night with me twice in the last year and another milestone is coming up. Supposedly, his check from the loan company is coming (yeah, yeah, the check's in the mail) through from debt consolidation and then he will file for divorce. The other two instances were legitimate. His wife suffered a back injury and then her brother died. I do know these to be true.
He comes to my house twice a week and spends much time working with me doing restoration and repair, one of the things we have in common. It's always the same two days. We never go out, only once in two years to some diner. He is not as interested in sex as he once was. Now it is only once, not each time. He also has lost his creativity in bed. We talk each morning on the internet and he calls me additionally at least three times a day.
He truly is a wonderful man and treats me well. We have much more in common than sex and home repair. However, I have no control over when we speak, when we see each other, or what we do. I can only reach him through his cell phone. I understand much is at stake for him if his wife were to find out, but he just seems to keep things from me. I used to believe it was so I wouldn't be hurt but I'm starting to wonder.
Thank you for letting me speak. Although it is incoherent and incomplete, it feels good to put these words to print so that I might get some feedback.
Thousands of women before you have wasted years of their lives believing in the divorces that never happen. Thousands of women before you have settled for a few crumbs instead of a full relationship.
All would tell you to drop him and get yourself your very own full-time relationship.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
He is lying to you...he is lying to his wife! WHY WHY WHY would you want a married man? You have NO control in this relationship.
Reading your thread was like watching the classic movies where he promises he is leaving her...but he doesnt. HE WONT.
Have someone who is proud to be with you. Please leave this loser alone, like was said before, he will eventually cheat on you, if he doesnt already have MORE women that you and his wife.
Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays.
Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays.
AnotherJezebel, I am an "other man" so let me help. Your post very well expressed the loneliness , helplessness and frustration of being the other woman. I sense that you want more, much more, from your lover of two years, but that things, while comfortable (mostly for him), are growing somewhat stale and claustrophobic.
I also suspect that you are questioning the quality and future of this relationship-- as you should from your candid and well expressed description of this house bound relationship with its many limitations. Although you love one another, love does not conquer all. Love does not necessarily triumph.
Being brutally realistic, you are his mistress. That's not necessarily a bad thing for you. It depends on your expectations. Expectations must roughly be in synch for relationships to have a chance. From your heart rending post, I sense that your expectations for this love affair are greater than his. He seems content with home repair and sex once a week with you while he carries on his other, normal life with his wife and family. While this division of labor may have been tolerable early in your affair, I believe you are running out of patience. His bread crumbs are no longer enough to sustain you or this relationship.
What might you do? First, there's the ultimatum: leave the family or else. That would put his feet to the flame but if he calls your bluff...
Second, you can demand to go out on more dates and enjoy the outside world like most lovers do. Now, it sounds as if your both under a form of house arrest.
Last, you can limp along and become increasingly frustrated and resentful of this very unbalanced relationship. In short, you can choose to waste more of your precious years waiting for him.
It's your choice. I don't condemn you. I also apologize for the tone of some of the posts. Nothing, and I mean, nothing, brings out the judgmental harshness of LS folk as a post by a self-confessed other man or other woman. We are viewed by some, not all, as moral scum. Such is life and a small price to pay for advice and support.
So stick around.
Last, you may want to change your screen name to something less inflammatory. Because from the sensitivity and insight of your post you're more than simply another "Jezebel."
Originally posted by AnotherJezebel
Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays.
I believe people have given you the best advices they could: leave him.
If you are expecting to get strategies about how to make him leave his wife for you, you wont get it here, not because people are not willing to give you, because they are not able to.
You can read other threads, so far we don't see any other women successfully made their married lovers leave the wives for them.
Kismet may be the promising one. If she does proceed, then, you may learn from her.
Don't be too bugged by what we say. Once you get into the theme of things you'll find that everybody who participates regularly has something good to say.
The advice we give sometimes just shoots out because of personal experience.
I thank god for this site because to me its kinda like sittin' around talking about what bugs you with people who give a darn about it.
We all try to help. Remember this is cyberspace. Who knows who?
I usually trust the advice if two or three people are on the same wavelength.
Again...try to look at the whole picture here with an open mind. No one here is profane, (at least on line, ha! ha!) no one "goes off" for no reason, it's just a cool thing. Relax.
Again...try to look at the whole picture here with an open mind. No one here is profane, (at least on line, ha! ha!) no one "goes off" for no reason, it's just a cool thing. Relax.
Well said, mjk.
And if you want to speak to any of us privately, you can always private message that person.
It's really up to you to decide what you will settle for. If some people seemed to assume too much - well, spend a little time here at LS and you will find you can almost write the "Other Woman" posts from a template. I believe our advice is worth something, because we have seen the same patterns over and over again. And you know...I use to think this was a marital fidelity problem, but know I really see it as a problem with selfishness and using other people.
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He truly is a wonderful man and treats me well...I have no control over when we speak, when we see each other, or what we do. I can only reach him through his cell phone.
These statements are contradictory. My feedback for you is that he does NOT treat you well. He has manipulated you into a truncated, unsatisfying, claustrophobic way of living through his self-serving lies.
Quote:
I understand much is at stake for him if his wife were to find out...
What exactly is at stake for him? Basically, he would not have his cozy little two-timing arrangement with two women dancing to his tune. When he wants to unload some feelings...he calls you. When he wants to get away from his wife...he visits you. And even there, it seems he's running out of gas as a lover. Sheesh, I would hope that with all the downsides of a "secret affair", there's at least be some hot sex. Instead, you have a bozo dropping by boring you silly.
When do you get a chance to have YOUR needs met? Wouldn't it be great to go out to eat, as a couple, in a nice restaurant, maybe even with (gasp) FRIENDS? Wouldn't it be nice to talk to your man when YOU want to, or even spend the whole weekend with him? Wouldn't it be great to be in a relationship that was a two-way street? Don't you deserve that?
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...but he just seems to keep things from me.
Yeah, because if you knew the truth about his marriage, his life, and his true intentions towards you, you'd nail his nut sack to a bridge and send him "bungee jumping"!
Yeah, because if you knew the truth about his marriage, his life, and his true intentions towards you, you'd nail his nut sack to a bridge and send him "bungee jumping"!
You have made a very expensive "investment' into this relationship. Why keep on feeling like second choice?
Give the guy an ultimatum...Me or the highway. He knows where that is, comin' by that is when he wants to.
Oh Yeah...thanks bark. Wasn't sure about that one!
Anyway...
I think we should throw it out on the table. What's to lose?. Sure feelings get hurt. Embarrassment happens. But...
Don't think that friends and family might be too close sometimes? Or, maybe you've burned them out on the whole thing. Also, look at it from an objective, not destuctive POV.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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