Just from reading threads here, I understand that when a man looks at porn, it upsets the woman. I'm sure a few of you are going to say you don't mind, but for the rest of you, I'm going to attempt to defend it, or at least give a picture of how I understand it.
Let's examine the classic one-night stand, in which two people have sex, and depart the next day, with no words spoken. There is certainly sexuality present, but no intimacy, correct? It is in this element of relationships that men and women generally diverge. A man will look for sexuality as long as he can, and a woman longs for intimacy. When a man puts his one-night stand days behind him, he too is committing to intimacy.
But what most women don't seem to understand, is that intimacy is a lot of work, at least for a man. It means communication, as well as a sensitivity to the needs of a partner. Sexuality, however, just needs a little bit of friction. I agree that a man who only wants to please himself, and not his partner, isn't ready for an intimate relationship. However, why is it that a man that does enjoy intimacy, but decides to pleasure himself once and a while, when he doesn't feel like working at intimacy, is painted as a bad guy?
There are a lot of female partners who make it their crusade to stamp out this problem. "Honey, this bothers me, so stop." However, the flaw in that logic is, it's not a problem. It only becomes a problem when the woman lets it hurt her. If she thinks that a man looks at porn because she's not good enough, she's crazy. If that were the case, why would he be with you at all? Porn is cheaper, and less work. Talking to him about it, going into counseling, shutting him out--NONE OF THESE THINGS HELP. If you confront him about it, and "make" him stop, you're only hurting the relationship. Because, he will instead do it when you're not looking. That's when it becomes a problem, when people are sneaking around.
First, if he's obsessive over pornography, or spending tons of money on it, that's not okay. Nor is not wanting sex from you anymore. However, if your man pleases you, and makes you feel valued, why do you have to be bothered with being jealous of the women in pornography? He should be respectful, and not rub it in your face, compare you to the porn people, or do it around you or anything. Beyond that, if you're obsessing over it, it's your trip. You are going to drive him to secrecy if you push on this issue.
I love communication, but this is one thing where communication isn't going to help, because women have such a skewed perception of what role porn plays in male sexuality.
[color=white]if he says he doesn't, he's lying[/color]
Good post, man. For most of us average joes, occasionally watching porn is the male equivalent of shopping for shoes--only much more stimulating. Although we don't care about our woman's shopping bouts, many women care deeply about our porn riffs. It's all about control...
Apart from the addiction example, female opposition to porn, whether couched in terms of religion, intimacy or equality, is usually about power in a relationship. Women want to control what we do down to the deepest level of sexual expression. It's about maintaining her monopoly over sexual expression.
Tied into porn is male self-pleasure. Porn is a gateway to masturbatory delights, where your female partner is temporarily rendered superfluous. I believe the fear of sexual rejection, and the concomitant loss of control in the relationship, is what drives female efforts to stop even occasional porn consumption.
Again, the language or rationale varies with the belief system of the woman, but, in nonaddictive situations, the goal is the same: stop the porn, prevent the man from pleasuring himself and maintain the female monopoly over sexual expression.
Originally posted by bark
Women want to control what we do down to the deepest level of sexual expression. It's about maintaining her monopoly over sexual expression.
Hey, don't even begin to speak for all of "us." And for the record, I have no objection to my husband ocassionally looking at porn, as long as it doesn't interfere with our sexual relationship or intimacy. But I don't think all women who oppose porn are trying to control their man. That's just much too general of a statement.
You're right, Cindy. Many women are like you, fortunately. I was referring to a possible reason for porn phobia by the type of woman described in the thread starting post. That was my frame of reference. As for being too broad, the beginning premises of most threads are usually too broad-- especially gender threads like this one.
If you can look at it together, that's just groovy.
If he's sneaking behind your back, then it depends on how secure his mate is whether it's going to threaten the relationship or not.
I myself don't really get too turned on by porn. I think it's kinda funny.
But if I had to tell/ask my partner to stop looking at it all the time, then maybe we shouldn't be together anyway.
So right, Caddy. Porn is best consumed together as a type of foreplay.
At best, porn is a means to an end--satisfying lovemaking, and should not be an end in itself. But that sometimes happens, especially when the wife is away.
I know I can't stop anyone from looking at porn if they really want to. So I'm ok with it.
Does that mean I want to watch/look at porn with someone now?
Well I'm not in that kind of relationship.
I wasn't saying that the reason women object to control is that it's a control issue. I am however saying, in general, that it's their trip, and not something to worry about.
Edit: I don't know if anyone's noticed, but occaisonally I hide little white messages at the bottom of my posts
i just feel very very sorry for the man involved and wonder how he tolerates such gross intrusions of privacy.
You're privacy concerns, jenny, especially in a marriage are not shared by many. Very few oppositional wives are sensitive to the privacy interests of their porn consuming spouses.
This obliviousnesses probably flows from the marriage state--with its diminished expectations of privacy--and the "bad" acts being performed: Marriage as a prison colony, spouse as a warden.
Women opposed to porn will trample the privacy rights of their spouses for higher, ethical reasons. Virtue is used as a license to invade, oppress, humiliate and control.
Porn is the new battleground in the ongoing battle between the sexes.
Okay, enough poetry! A couple of the relationships that I've been in could have led me to check out some porn occasionally. Why? Well here's a scenario, * All day long my girl is at work lookin' great, comes home, immediately changes, removes any make-up, and throws on the old sweat-pants. I'm thinkin' "Man, she sure looked great today" in my head *.
When you are first dating you are always on your best, manners, looks etc. When you get to the "I'm comfortable stage" a lot of that falls by the way-side. Attraction levels drop, and people don't do what it takes to keep the "mystery" alive, or the passion. It sometimes becomes all business. I know that part because it happened to me. You need romance, passion, and desire to keep your relationship on track. Maybe the porn escape is kinda what Dyermaker is talking about. Just Sex...with yourself.
In the first paragraph don't get me wrong.I'm not sexist at all. Its the same with a guy. He used to be fit and work-out, now there's a beer belly, and a football game on TV.
Neither person should have to "go out of their way" just because the Signif other wants excitement, but break the routine a little and see what happens!
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i think the knee jerk pathologizing about porn is dangerous too.
i agree that if money is being spent, or relationship sex is not happening, that's a problem.
but i cannot believe how many people hysterically jump to "porn addiction" diagnosis with very little evidence. it's like they are desperate for some way to dramatize the issue and oblige sympathy.
though admittedly armchair analysis is an issue in general with me, i hate seeing terms like addiction misused for such controlling motives. this is something for an accredited, legitimate, and educated professional to decide.
[color=white]damn it. i had a limerick but i could not rhyme "histrionic defamation" with anything[/color]
Last edited by jenny; 23rd December 2003 at 1:26 AM..
Reason: guess not
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this is something for an accredited, legitimate, and educated professional to decide.
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