I have a major problem! I have been dating this wonderful guy for 6 months. He is everything I could have waited for, for so long. The saying "too good to be true" rings true with this situation, unfortunatley its not something about him that we can solve, its HIS MOTHER!!
Since day 1 she has not liked me. THere is no reason that she shouldnt like me. I have only wanted to get to know her better and their family. The rest of the family including her mother, my bf's grandmother, likes me! She accuses us of things and is very controlling. He can make his own decisions, but then SHE decides whether or not to put him through crap based on those decisions. He is a very grounded, and independent guy and he will approach and call her on things that are not true about me or him.
I do love this guy, but it is very hard on me emotionally, which i am not highly emotional when it comes to solving problems. SHe has insulted me and doesn't appreciate the feelings her son and I share. Yes we have talked about his issue in depth about her feeling that she's losing her son to me, which isnt true at all, I would hope that she feels like she is gaining a daughter...unforunatley, she treats me with utter disdain every time i go over. I have resulted in not going over to the house any more and he cant move out yet, due to financial reasons!
HELP!!!! What should i do? It's not that he doesnt stand up for me or himself, but she controls everything it seems and its hard to form a lasting relationship with her in the way. RUnning away will not solve the issue, just inflame it!! I NEED ADVICE!! PLease help!
kay first? How old are you two? cause that's a major factor....also you are probably a very wonderful person! and i think it'st he fact that your stealing her LITTLE BOY away that bothers her the most. And him being more independent doesn't help. She insults you, he stands up for you (good) it's like she's losing her little boy and she's afraid that she will never see him again. Even though you've talked about it.....i still think that's the reason.
But being constantly rude and controlling is not nice....that is why i ask how old you two are? If you two are adults and everything you should sit down with her and have a chat.....(wait....regardless your age) but if you are young like 15/16 years old.....she is probably just protection her son etc....
To answer you question we are both 19 almost 20 so its a little daunting to have a mother that protective with us being older!
The thing is I have had a chat with her and it hasnt helped in the slightest...kinda strange but she is really closed to any kind of emotion around me, possibly in general. I have no clue!
However you need to realise that the relationship you have is with youe partner, not his mum. Now I am not saying you can have slinging matches between you and his mum, but if she doesn't like you, so what?? She needs to grow up and realise that thre is enough room in your partners life for two women and neither will miss out. You also need to not 'pick fights' and don't bitch about her to your partner (unless it is mutual ).
You will find that if he is 'too good to be true' that he doesn't like the tension himself and he wants it to stop.
My hints.
-Try and be nice.
-If you do something wrong, apologise.
-Call her up and have a big 'talk', I did this with my partners mum, while it isn't solve anything, we set our boundries and told each other what we will and what we won't accept. She told me to tell her if she oversteps anything in our house. Sadly, I have and she is now in a process of ignoring me because I did what she told me to do.
-Don't ask your partner to bring things up with her, that you have an issue with. If you have the issue and it has to do with you, you bring it up with her.
-Don't make your partner choose.
You just have to realise that this is her issue and not yours. She is insecure and afraid of losing her son. We both know that he will always be her son but she doesn't. Hell how many times have I heard 'He will ALWAYS be my son'. I just nod and go 'Of course he will'
You need to make peace with this woman, somehow. She will ALWAY be there!
Does he follow her advice all the time? If so try talking to him. But, you need to understand, kill this woman with kindness if that is what it takes. If you want to be in his life, you need to come to a compromise with her. You make the first move.
...and you aren't going to want to hear this, but my brother and I are both in our 40s and mom is STILL trying to break up his 15-year marriage and my LTR! She hates his wife AND my SO, but at the same time is nagging me to marry him (is that ironic, or what?). Since I have no interest in marriage or FT co-habitation and can turn her off like a radio at this point - and my brother can do the same - it's long-since ceased to be a real problem for us, but you are still young.
It's not likely your bf's mom will change either sooner or later. She's controlling because she's insecure and until she admits that (which she probably won't) her behavior towards you will continue. If it's any comfort, she's undoubtedly treated all his former girlfriends the same way in the past.
The best you can do is to be nice and polite to her, and leave it at that. It's your bf's responsibility to keep her under control, and if he's unable to do that you may want to consider whether you want to spend a long period of time (perhaps a lifetime?) dealing with a woman who will do everything in her power to intrude upon your relationship, and break it up if she possibly can.
Originally posted by Cariel
The best you can do is to be nice and polite to her, and leave it at that. It's your bf's responsibility to keep her under control, and if he's unable to do that you may want to consider whether you want to spend a long period of time (perhaps a lifetime?) dealing with a woman who will do everything in her power to intrude upon your relationship, and break it up if she possibly can.
HER relationship with HIS mother ISN'T HIS responsibility, it is hers. She is a grown woman, if she has a problem with his mother SHE needs to address it. Not get him to stand up for her.
Making him stand u for her, will only strain their relationship and end up in tears
I ponder the fact you dont think my bf should stand up for me against his mother. I DO believe that he should protect me and fight for me because it is a lot of his problem. WE are the ones who will have to deal with this crap if we decided to get married! WE are going to have to not do family holidays, its not just a me thing.
He and I have talked a lot, and he said that if it came down to it and his mom hated me, that he would compeltly split from his fam. This would break my heart, but in order to be with me, if problems persisted, this is the only way I could even think about a lifetime relationship!
There is a difference between standing up for someone and fighting their battle. Your boyfriend should stand up for you, but in essence it is YOUR issue with his mother.
Show her that you are mature enough not to hide behind her son, and show him that you care enough about you and him to talk to her and not put him in the middle
True, but after having talks with her nothing has been resolved. This is not MY problem, but hers....and her problem b/c it is her son that she cannot let go of. COnsequently she treats me badly, and the kindness over 6 months has not done anything. This is her problem that her son needs to address not me.
If continual talks resolves nothing (and I am fully aware of where it gets you ) you simply have to leave her to it.
My partners mother is currently not talking to both of us because I did what she asked me to do and then got annoyed with me for doing what she says. She holds grudges BAD.
However this is now her issue. I know what I will and will not tolerate when it comes to me and my house/life. However my partners relationship with his mother is his to deal with. Yes I get annoyed at things he does, how he lets her buy everything in his house, how he lets her boss his around when it comes to fixing her computer etc. But you have to think about it. If she annoys you so much, imagine how much she annoys him? He has had he whole life to get used to her behaviour, you haven't.
What would be better, you constantly asking and nagging him to talk to his mother about things you (or both of you) don't like, or you standing by his side and accepting his choices (which don't directly affect you) and supporting him, and yet standing up for yourself when she crosses your line.
My partner just looks at me and glows when I go over to her place with him when he helps her out. I don't say a word (unless he does ) and the fact that I am there with him and we go through the annoyance of her together, means so much to him.
I am fully aware of how down right frustrating and immature some mothers can be. You can either leave them to their own devices and if you stand up to them and tell them how it is sometimes and they get annoyed with you, well thats their issue isn't it. It is a lot easier then fighting with them, fighting with your partner, and then having all out tension everywhere, trust me.
Not sure if this post made any sense or not, but I have been living it for 2 and a half years. Being told to tell her if she crosses the line and when I do she tells me that I have to accept it when she does something for her son (even though that is to do with the house *I* live in and the house she told me she wouldn't interfer in, and if she did for me to tell her....vicious cycle!!! )
Don't ignore it, but leave the drama in their court and you simply stand up for you, stand up for you and your partner, and be open and honest with your partner about issues you have. Don't let it bottle up. Usually they have a good reason why they just 'let her do things'
That post helped a lot! I appreciate you sharing about your relationship! I cannot believe some mothers can be like this and it saddens me that their issues overflow into HEALTHY LOVING relationships! GOod luck!!
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kat - i don't think so. i'm not a mother yet, but i refuse to believe this kind of behaviour is a biological imperative. my mother-in-law to be is a monster, but i very much think it is a result of her own disappointing and unreflective life. she would have been this way regardless of the presence of children.
you are thoughtful, independent-strong, and considerate now; these are characteristics that (i think) flourish with the more people you have to care for deeply.
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Overbearing Mama!
best of luck
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) you simply have to leave her to it.
) and the fact that I am there with him and we go through the annoyance of her together, means so much to him.
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