[brandilynn222]

I have a situation i dont know how to deal with..

Ok from the begining.....back in june i went with a friend of mine (her b/f is in the army) to Ft drum. Well her b/f and her thought it would be good to introduce me to someone so we could hang out and i wouldnt feel like the third wheel all week. Well this is when i met "him" the absolute love of my life. We hit it off great and hung out all week and then he even came down to my home town which is 3 hours away that weekend. The next week I went back up to Drum and we hung out some more. We found that we were perfect for each other, we have so much in common, and we really enjoy each others company. We even fell in love. SOunds great right.....well heres the killer.

When I met him I knew that he was married and had a baby with her. She doesnt live with him she lives about two hours away from the base. At the time i met him i was only looking for fun and figured if he wanted to give it to me well then thats his choice. I never thought i would fall in love and he would fall in love with me. After we met we were very serious for almost six monthes. (we just broke up yesterday). Granted it was long distance b/c of his job and i was at college but we managed to see each other every weekend. He even took me to meet his family over thanksgiving break.

I guess your prolly wondering how the marraige was......welll one word ****ty and thats not coming form me either. He told me it was a "shot gun wedding" b/c he got her pregnant b/c she lied about beign on the pill and a week later they got married mostly b/c he was pushed by her father. They never got along she does cocaine and she cheated on him several times when he was deployed before they got married. Well soon after they got married he got deployed to iraq but got to come home early to see his baby being born.

About two monthes ago he was going to file for divorce but couldnt b/c new york doesnt have no fault divorces, so they ended up getting a seperation agreement. Thigns with us went on fine....i even dropped out of my college in Pa to start school up there becasue he asked me to move in with him. So i packed everything signed up for classes up there and was ready to move after christmas.

Ok so heres the real problem......he found out last week that he has orders to be retstationed far away. And his delimma was that he wouldnt see his son very much. (before he saw him every other weekend). So now he is getting back into an unhappy marraige so that he can take his son with him when he gets restationed ( it pretty bad a 6 month old has baggage lol). He told me he doesnt love her and that he will have to pretend so he can see his son. I just figured that it is wrong to rasie kids in unhappy homes b/c they will end up hurting the kid in the end. I told him to fight for custody but he thinks he wont win b/c of him being in the army.

He let me stay at his house this last week so that we could talk...but there was no changing his mind. He did tell me that we would keep in touch and that we will defiantly see each other again. He even let me keep the ring he gave me at the begining of our realtionship that was his giving to him by his mom. I told him you better come back for this and he said he would and that there was a good chance that we could get back together later. He also said that he will never stop loving me and that i have his heart. Right now he is with his wife and it is killing me inside.. i miss him so much

My mom thinks that he is just feelign guilt b/c this is his sons first christmas and he wants to be there and that if she goes back to beign a bitch (direct quote from him) that he will change his mind...or that he will miss me so much and wont be able to bring himself to be a husband physically with her b/c he will be thinking about me. I just dont know....

I guess what i was wonderign is if there is any advice i could get on winning him back(i mean he DOES love me) and i just dont know how long he can go pretending he loves her when he loves me) Or any advice on custody for millitary people. he told me that its not that he wants to call it off with me its that he has too.....neither of us wanted to say goodbye and it makes no sense for two ppl who love each other to be apart. And one last thing i am askign ppl to pray that things will work out for us in the end....he told me i was his soulmate and his future wife i want that to happen so bad.....so please pray!!!!

Sorry this was so long but any input would be appreciative.....

[CanadianBornCutie]

From what you wrote and if he's all honest about his feelings, I think one day you two will end up together........

Right now though, I think the only thing you can do is to just keep contact with him and talk to him if you want to

win him back. And if your ready for it, try to find something out about custody and stuff. You seem really dedicated

to this man and he seems to love you very much. Now I've had friends who have gone through a custody struggle

and it's not pretty, and it's very long. And when it's two people who dislike each other it's even harder. The army

thing sucks cause even if you proved she was an un-fit mother (doing coccaine) and stuff they'd probably wouldn't

give custody to the father unless he A) Quits the Army and finds a stable job or B) Files for divorce marries

someone else (i.e. you) and you go for custody of the child. OR his parents can try for custody......now this is just

scratching the surface.

You love him he loves you. But you could easily get hurt in this situation he could end up staying with her because

of the guilt....and that will leave you broken hearted.

My advice would be to keep in touch with him, get to know him alot better, find out what kind of person he is and

if he is truly just in it for the kid, then later on, if you two want to try to figure out a custody thing you should.

just take it easy, be in his life and be his support......

Please keep me update

I hope this kinda helps!

[brandilynn222]

Thanks, for the uplift. I do hope eveything you say is true. I guess my thinking that since it is around he holidays he wants to see his sons first christmas. He told me he didnt love her anymore and that he would have to learn to love her(which to me you can only pretend to love someone for so long). I just hope everythign works out good......

only one more problem i might be pregnant and now i dont know what he will do....this may not be the right words but is he willign to give up seeing his son everyday but living unhappily or be a father to my child (if i am) and living happily with me.

The problem with the divorce thing is that is he files for divorce he goes to alaska and doesnt see his son b/c she wont go with him so he looses that....and two if he sperates from her like he is right now technically by millitary law we arnt supposed to be together b/c it would be considered adultry so we can even get engaged or anything to fight for custody together. His father was never in his life b/c he chose not to be how can i explain to him that as long as he excercises his rights to be in the childs life he wont turn out like his father???

One more thing....do you think he has this doubt b/c his son is only a baby and that we wants to be around for all of his first and that maybe when he gets older ...hope this doesnt sound rude to anyone) but your kids arnt so dependent on you and your not so dpenedent on them and so it wont hurt as much if you dont see them everyday.) my mom and dad divorced when i was five and i dont love my father any less (he excercised his rights to see us but not all the time b/c he too is in the army) and he doesnt love me any less for not seeign me grow up everyday........

[CanadianBornCutie]

I Think he's a genuinely decent nice guy who wants to be the best father. it's his son's first christmas and he probably wants to give his child everything he didn't get. he also i think wants to make sure his son is okay. Too many times fathers leave when children are young and they don't know who daddy is.

[Dora]

You want him back, but you dont need him back.

[Guidette82]

Oh sweetie, do I know how YOU feel. I did the same thing. Fell in love with a guy that was in a HORRIBLE marriage and stayed b/c of his son. Nothing ever happened b/t us (physically). When I couldn't handle the hurting anymore, I told him it had to stop...he ended up trying to work things out with his wife..got her pregnant...AGAIN....so now he had not one, but TWO kids. This CRAP went on for almost 2 years and it destroyed my life. I was so depressed I dropped out of college, wasn't normal at work (since he worked WITH me) and it was just constant agony. She ended up filing for divorce and it STILL didn't work b/c he blamed me for losing custody of his kids..mad life even harder...I know you love him, and I am sure he feels the same, but with a kid invloved..there's no chance..I am SO sorry to be that blunt, but it's the honest truth. He is gonna love that kid more than anything in the world and will stay in that marriage until he can take the kid, and not have to think of losing him. I am SO sorry, but I would REALLY recommend trying to move on with your life. If he isn't gonna be in the States and most likely won't be able to contact you, it'll be SO much easier. If he comes back and he wants to be with you and has the whole divorce thing going, then great, but until then, PLEASW do not put yourself through that. I know how bad it hurts and it just gets worse...GOOD LUCK!