[ShaferOC]

Here it goes, (I'll try to keep it short)

My ex and I started dating a few years ago and things went pretty good. After a year we eventually moved in together. At the time she was 20 and I was 23. Shortly after she became pregnant. Everything changed, she had expectations that I wasn't ready for and after our daughter was born the stress and things that come along with a new baby took it's toll on our relationship. Neither one of us was ready and didn't know what to expect when our child was born. I could no longer spend any alone time with Trish (ex) and it was as if she was ignoring me all together after our child was born. I expected to be ignored somewhat because I know what happens between a new mom and her baby. But I was COMPLETELY ignored. After telling her how I felt and how I wanted a little time alone with her nothing changed. She would go out with her friends on the weekends and I would stay home with our Daughter. Which is fine but this was starting to happen almost every weekend. I'm not putting the blame all on her, there were times when she wanted me home more and I would be out with friends.
So, towards the end when we started to fight more and more, conversations became nastier and nastier. Name calling began and I eventually asked her for the engagement ring back. When I took the ring I was very angry and it was after a big fight that we had. I think that it was the worst mistake of my life. I acted out of emotion and did not use my head at all. I tried to give the ring back and apologized a million times. I still loved her and still do today. She would not take it back and to this day I still don't think she has forgiven me completely.

Today we've been apart now for a year. We share custody and our daughter just turned two. There was more stress and fighting while waiting to go to the courts but after the dust settled we both got better as parents and are getting along alot better. The problem that I am having is that I miss her so much and I want nothing more for us to be a family under one roof. Something that she or I never had was parents living under one roof as a happy family. I want this so bad for my little girl it hurts.

I've tried talking to my ex and have attempted get back together with her with no luck. I couldn't even get her to go out on a date with me. I've been giving it time and keep hoping that she'll eventually come around. I learned a great deal and have changed since our split. All I want is another chance. When I talk to her now, we get along and talk as if we're friends but I still feel that there is this huge wall of ice that is between us. I want to break it down and want us to start becoming closer over time. We're no longer open with each other like we used to be. HOW DO I FIX THIS??? IS IT POSSIBLE?? My worst fear is that eventually, my daughter is going to stuck between two seperate families with half siblings on both sides. I'm worried about the problems that this might create and only want the best for my little girl. What should I do? Is there someone out there with magical amounts of wisdom to help me? Thanks.

- Worried Dad

[dlb311]

I want to just hugg you. I know times get tuff. If she really doesn't want to work things out with you because she no longer wants you then that is one thing then you just have to get it together and deal with the two separate families. But if she is just hurt over everything and the changes of life then I would work at it as much as possible. Tell her, you said you had tried to get her to go on a date how was that. You asked her out and she said NO!?

I can't really tell you because I don't know her and what she feels or acts like. But its worth the try don't you think? I think so. be gentle patient, and show love no anger. if she gets upset and says mean things do not say them back take them in and say I know I messed up. she will realize what she will be missing out on.

I would try good luck.
Try an outing together with your daughter that might be fun. Let her see you have changed and you want to be a family.

[SoleMate]

Your post really touched me. The depth of your caring for your daughter and her future life was so real. I didn't hear quite as much sincerity in the way you talked about your ex.

Yes, there is a POSSIBILITY that this can be fixed. It is a big job. Your ex has been carrying more than her share of the load and has some resentment, I imagine. The thing to do is to get couples counselling. If your ex won't go with you, then get solo counselling and tell your counsellor you want to work on putting your relationship back together.

If you can't afford counselling, check out some web sites (like <URL removed>) and check some books out of the library (e.g. by John Gottman). Tell your ex straight out that you were wrong, and you know it. Ask her straight out what it would take for her to trust and love you again...and then DO it! For six months at least! You should listen WAY MORE than you talk in this discussion. And no point in defending yourself even though there may be great arguments on your side...that's what builds that wall of ice, brick by brick. (I would give her exactly the same advice, by the way.)

I'm sure you know by now that namecalling, exploding, walking out on her, dumping the baby on her when she's exhausted are not the way to build love and trust. But you DO have a chance. I bet that she would love nothing better than for you to become a husband and father she can feel fantastic about. Good luck for the sake of all three of you and those who love you.

[ShaferOC]

Thanks for all of your advice. I think it's safe to say that we won't be getting back together any time soon. She holds too much resentment towards me and there is absolutely nothing I can say or do that will change this. Believe me I tried many times. She won't go out and talk to me.
As far as when we were still together, I pulled more than my fair share. I worked full time and supported all of us while she quit work when she was only 6 months pregnant. She didn't go back to work until after we split up. Like I said, I stayed home on the weekends with our daughter so that my ex could go out and blow off some steam. I even would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with my daughter when I had work the next morning.
I don't know, maybe I wanted to really get back together with my ex mainly for my daughters sake. I do still love my ex and care about her but I'm having second thoughts about getting back with her. She just doesn't want to have anything to do with me and going back with her just for my daughters sake maybe isn't such a great idea. I'm still worried sick about what will come of all this in the future. What problems are going to come up with my daughter stuck between two families?
The other day I asked if we can do some things together once in a while with our daughter so that Emma (daughter) can benefit having both of us around sometimes and we can do something fun together. My ex wouldn't even agree to coming over to help Emma and I put up the christmas tree and decorations. She said that she doesn't want to confuse or in the future disappoint Emma when we no longer do things together like this. I don't understand her reasoning behind this because I only asked that we do stuff together once in a while not all the time. Maybe she's afraid that she will actually have a good time?? The one who misses out is my daughter and that saddens me.

[love returnes]

Hi, I feel your pain. I too went through the same thing.

But I did something I have regretted for the rest of my life. I married someone other than him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Anyways we both have married and started new families but with time we developed a deep friendship.

After 10 years of him confessing his love for me I confessed I too love him. We are now lovers and look forward to our paths leading us together again.