[monkey]

Dear All
I'm so upset,please advise me!
In July'02 in the area i live i noticed this new face in the area & i instantly felt this attraction, i bided my time, oppertunities came & went, then one night i was on the bus , it was busy & she got on & sat alone, my heart was racing, i had to do it. I went & sat with her & said i'd seen her around & was attracted to her. I found out she was a Hungarian au-pair. She's very European looking, definately the outdoor type, long brown hair & glasses & beautifull. She gave me her number & i called her the next day, we went walks & also sometimes with her only friend another au-pair from Hungary.

She had this plan of going to America to study & work & wanted no relationship getting in her way, so i persivered, saying i'll just be her friend, she wasn't planning going for 8 months. After weeks of being friends & me crying when she said she didn't want me, she changed her mind because of my heart & no-one had ever cried for her. This was the start of a wonderful time in my life. I was living with my family, 100 yds from her house she was working at, she would come round & i would cook for her everyday, but my mum & her didn't get on, i am the only son & we had travel plans. We went to Hungary for 3 months to see her parents & it was magical, romantic walks in Budapest with the love of my life, i was in heaven, yes, we had a fiew rows because she hates alcohol & i like a beer, not many only 1 or 2 before dinner, but she has had bad family problems with it & didn't want it in her life. I returned home to try & get a flat for us but my mum was terrible to me saying horrible things about her, so 1 week later, after texting always & talking on the phone, i returned to her parents house, they are absolutely wonderfull.

2 months later, i persuaded her to come back to my parents house & promised there would be no arguing, it would be a short stay, while her visa was sorted, there were arguments all the time & i could not get a flat for such a short time, my mum was terrible to her calling her names & my gf felt terrible there & threatened to leave if i didn't get somewhere. Eventually she moved into a friend of mines house for the 2 weeks before we left. Being at my parents & her moving out put a strain on us, we argued over silly things. The physical side had stopped, but we were off to America.

I had had an anxiety problem prior to us meeting & i assumed it was over, medication & meeting her had given me so much confidence, i was so high.
I started these attacks again, on the plane i was very emotional about what to expect & missing home, why, i don't know. After we got there & settled in after 2 weeks it was ok.I was happy & 1 night whilst she was au-pairing, i went out for a drink with a neighbour , had a fiew & that was the straw that broke the camels back. The bombshell that she needed space & just wanted friendship came out, for the following month i was in pieces, pleading for another chance, the person we were staying with wanted me out because i was so emotional, for another month i stayed with some local family & my gf came to see me everyday, i was such a burden because i had to come back to England, whilst she could stay longer, i was crying a lot & asking for reassurance that she would wait for me. I was having panic attacks & was very down, infact i made her feel ill which i am so ashamed & feel so guilty for because i love her so much. Right up to the final night she was with me, & i was so upset because i didn't want to return, i was in paradise with my sweetheart.

On my return, to my shock i found she had emailed my dad saying she had gone along with me to get me home so she could be alone. She was scared that if she didn't & end it then, i would have stayed & been on the street or in trouble & not gone home. I felt so decieved but she says she did it for mine & her health, so i could have treatment. I realise this also, can anyone imagine my feeling, thinking i was going to get treatment for my panic attacks & then return, to find this out. She said she would contact by email only, but i kept pushing & pushing talking of US & WE all the time. Now she won't email me, sometimes i would write 5 or 6 a week without reply. It is always when it's too late i realise & i hate myself. I think of her all the time, remembering all the goodtimes. I am now at my parents having a breakdown, She mailed my dad saying that she can't be my nurse anymore, & it's over.She wants to be alone.
I love her with all my heart & won't have a bad word said againsed her, i understand why she did this, even though others say she was bad. Now i only mail her 1 a week, often without reply, i just try & talk of nice things, how i'm going on etc. She said she will meet with me in the future, & she is my friend but she needs space.I want to rush things all the time, i know it's wrong, but i do it. The same positivity & optimism as i had when she first didn't want a boyfriend, i have now & is all i have, i am so desperate, i just hope that time heals & she will want to see the new me that she told me many times in America, i don't believe someone can decieve someone for a whole month. I miss her with all my heart & she is so far away. I'll never give up on her, she is worth it, i just hope she lets me show her! Does anyone have any advice! I can't give up on the love of my life!

[midori]

It sounds like you need to be in the hands of a competent psychiatrist.

You developed a crush on a woman you didn't know, and pursued her with unwarranted fervor.

After weeks of being friends & me crying when she said she didn't want me, she changed her mind because of my heart & no-one had ever cried for her.

She was living in a foreign country doing work that is quite tiresome and draining. You mentioned that she had only one other friend in the UK. It's not surprising that she was ripe for a romance. What is surprising is that you cried when she first turned you down. You'd only known her for a few weeks! This kind of emotional fragility is surely not a good sign.

How old are you? You're still living at home -- do you have a job? What's your life situation, overall?

I'm sorry to not be encouraging, but I think you're being completely unrealistic. She has made it very plain that she doesn't want to be involved with you anymore. It's not even clear to me why you think that the two of you were meant to be together -- for one thing you clearly have different views about alcohol. Is she a zealous teetotaler, or are you someone who doesn't know when he's had enough? Either way, you're incompatible there. To be honest it sounds like she is staying in touch with you out of pity, but if you push her too far, start emailing her too much, she'll probably feel she must sever all contact. I think your chances of turning things around with her are next to zero.

i was crying a lot & asking for reassurance that she would wait for me. I was having panic attacks & was very down, infact i made her feel ill which i am so ashamed & feel so guilty for because i love her so much. Right up to the final night she was with me, & i was so upset because i didn't want to return, i was in paradise with my sweetheart.

I think you really need to focus on yourself and getting yourself to a point where you are an independently functioning person. Your mental well-being can not hinge on the actions of another person, especially when that person has absolutely no obligation to you. It sounds like you've got a lot of issues that you ought to address with a competent professional. You're already on anxiety medication, but clearly that's not keeping you balanced. Please make sure you get the help you need.