[I'mJustAGurl]

My husband and I met 9 yrs 7 mos ago. He was 14, I was 16, and somehow we managed to fall in love. The past few years we've had a lot of problems, he's had affairs, he's left me once before, for two weeks, he's said he was leaving a few other times, but then we ended up making love, and he changed his mind, and we vowed to work things out.

This time he came home from work one day, and said that he was leaving, that he was "done". He told me that I never keep the house clean, and that I need to loose weight, and he's been telling me this for 3 years, and I just don't pay attention, and won't change, and that he's lost all respect for me. He does say he loves me, and we've ended up in bed 2X's in the past 3 weeks, since we've been seperate, but he always makes sure I know before hand.. that it's just sex.... nothing more. He says that he does love me, and that I'm a wonderful Mother, and incredible lover, but that that isn't enough. He says that he wants to want to come home.. and he doesn't. he's still being a great father to our children, and comes to visit them ever couple of days when he's off work.

I'm finding it really hard to let him go. I love him with all my heart, and am wiling to change if only he could fall back in love with me. I'm not looking for him to just come home... but I want him to look at me that special way again, to respect me, and to want me like he used to. I'm keeping the house mostly clean.. it's kinda hard with 2 little ones, and 3 dogs... it's a constant battle, but I've been doing it. I've also lost 30 lbs so far, but am still over 200 lbs. I've tried to talk to him about the situation, but the closer I get, the further he pushes me away. In my experience, I'v learned that I need to let him go, then prove to him that I can change.. and hope he returns. I know he still has feelings for me.. but he also holds alot of hurt and anger towards me. My question is.. will he ever come back? Is there anything I can do to get him back? He won't go to counceling.. he says there is no point, that he's done, he wants a divorce. He's not seeing anyone else, but is doing all the things he never got to do with our family.. like shopping alot, spending alot of money, staying over his buddy's house, looking at motorcycles.. it's like he just needed freedom, and I always smothered him... now I realize.. but it's too late isn't it? I want him so bad, but don't like to be alone. I'm meeting people, and I'm afraid to get close to someone.. because if I do.. then he'll maybe want to come home.. and I feel that for our children, if we can have a happy marriage, it's best for us to be together. We never really fought before, and we were always happy when we were together, but as soon as he went to work, or somewhere else... he would convince himself that he's miserabel... I know he's confused.. but I don't want to wait on something that will never happen.. any advice??

[Arabess]

Justa,
I'm not sure why you are taking all the responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Sure, a clean house and skinny thighs are nice.....but not always realistic! It seems to me that he puts you down in order to justify his "affairs" ....plus coming and going anytime he feels he wants to.

I wouldn't beg him back....ask him back....or LET him back!! I'd tell him to get the hell out and stay out till he accepted ME for being ME. Maybe once he realizes you aren't going to be a doormat for him any longer and aren't going to put up with him putting you down.....he'll come to his senses and make a little bit of an effort of his own to keep the marriage together.

If he isn't inclined to make that effort.....then everything you are doing 'just for him' will be in vain. Why don't you just work on making yourself feel good about yourself (GREAT job on the weight loss!!!)....and throw all his criticism out of the window.

I've read your posts and you seem like a wonderful person Justa. Please don't let some guy steal away your self esteem. You deserve better than that.

Arabess

[I'mJustAGurl]

Well, after 3 weeks, we had a long talk, and he decided to ask if he could come home. We agreed that if we can work things out and be happy, it would be best for our children.. .but if we can't... we really haven't wasted anything. He came through the door and asked to speak to me alone, then looked me in the eyes and said "I want to fall in love with you again" My heart almost melted at that very moment. I still feel hurt and anger toward him though, for leaving. We've decided that we have to find a way to forgive all the past, and try to start over. We've decided to try dating again, but he said he would cover all the normal bills we have, but he wants me to get a part time job, so I can have interaction with more than my children every day, and get out of the house. He also would like it if I earned my own spending money, and I think I would like that too. He said that I have to learn to respect myself, before he can respect me the way that he should. We both agree that there is still something there... hopefully we can learn to build more... but he still doesn't want to go to marriage counceling.... Has anyone been through it? What does the councelor do exactly?