[soooconfused]

Heres the deal, I have been married for 7 years and have one beautiful daughter. We have been separated since this past Feb. Right after we separated I went out and dated as many woman as I could. My wife did not, she didnt date anybody for a very long time. I have slept with 4 people since we have been separated. I found out that my wife slept with someone for the first time recently. We are both very confused as to whether or not we want to be together. Neither of us really want to get a divorce and admit that it will suck not having each other longterm, but we are afraid to go back to what we had because it was bad. My question is should I let the fact that she has slept with someone bother me and effect my decision. She says that sex is only sex and it is not a big deal, she is able to overlook the fact that i have slept with 4 woman. She says the most important thing to do is figure out what we want to do. Problem is one minute it drives me nuts knowing she slept with someone, the next minute i understand that we are not together and we are both living our own lives right now. Should this effect my decision towards wanting to work things out with her???

She is a big believer in fate. She knows I am seeing a new girl now and that it is moving quickly. I have told her that i am scared to death of losing her (wife) and am scared of death of getting serious with someone else. Her response is, dont be scared...trust fate....but at the end of the day the fact that she slept with someone eats me alive even though i am being told by other people that i cant consider that in my decision since i have slept with 4 people and since we are not together right now.....argghhhhhh

I'm confused. Who are you to be bothered by the fact that your wife, after spending a lot of time alone/single, finally did become intimate with someone, when you yourself admit you jumped into dating right away, and not only that, you've bedded 4 different women, and if that's NOT enough, you're currently in a relationship of sorts with someone new? It's okay for you to have slept around with multiple women, but it's somehow wrong that your wife was intimate with one guy? Where is the logic in this? It's good enough for the goose, but not the gander?

And furthermore, if you're so "confused", you really outta do the girl you're seeing a favor, and let her go......because she deserves more than to be your "rebound girl"..while you're sitting around wondering about getting back with your wife. She's only going to get hurt. She deserves a man who has no distractions or doubts. Come on now, don't just think about yourself. Was selfishness on your part, an issue in your marriage?

[soooconfused]

yes, my wife always accused me of being selfish. I will admit i want my cake and to be able to eat it too...i know it is not right, i think it is just the typical male jealously thing....i am 34, my wife is 29 and my god she sometimes seems so much more mature than me....she is able to handle all this with such a levelhead...i think my problem is i am a very sexual person and a very vivid person so though she has only slept with one person one time, i imagine the absolute worst...even though, yes i know it is none of my business.....and trust me, i do not want to hurt this new person, but once again being selfish, being with her helps me deal with what me and my wife are going through....it takes my mind off of everything

[AprilFool]

I am not very good at relationship advice, but if your only problem with making a decision is the fact that she slept with someone when you were apart, then maybe you could try to look at it through your eyes. Think about how the fact that you slept with someone when you were apart, and how it had nothing to do with how you feel about your wife. Then assume that since you sleeping with someone else didn't effect your feelings for your wife, assume that her sleeping with someone didn't effect her feelings for you.

Most likely, she was lonely, and her body needed to be with someone. Since you couldn't be there, she had no choice but to turn to someone else. In all probability, it probably wasn't a very hot, romantic experience for her. In fact, it was more than likely akward for both of them. The first time anyone sleeps together is usally an akward experience *it always was for me at least* They didn't know what each other wanted and needed, and I'm sure that she wasn't in love with this person, or it would've happened more than once.

I know it's hard to get past some things. I quite OFTEN have different standards for myself than for my husband, because I know what I'm thinking, but I tend to assume the worst of everyone else.

I'm sure you don't really want to know the details, and I'm sure she doesn't want to share them with you, but do your best to imagine them not having a wonderful experience together. Maybe if you quit imagining a glamorous view of them together, and look at the reality that it probably was a big fat way for her to releive some tension, you could probably forget all about it.

It sounds like you think she is worth "getting over it" for

Then again, I'm not good with relationship advice.