My husband had a falling out with his dad about 2 years ago. We have only been married 8 months, and in that time, I've always been curious about why they had a falling out, but I never asked, because I felt that he'd tell me when it felt right. Well, now that we've been married 3/4 of a year, I thought I could ask him, so I did. He said he didn't want to talk about it. He said it was his past, and it was none of my business, and he didn't want to talk about it. I told him that it was ok for him not to talk about it, but would he tell me about it some day....he asked, "does it matter?". I told him that it didn't.
I don't suppose it matters. His lack of a relationship has nothing to do with our marriage....I don't suppose.
Should I never ask again? Should I just count on him to realize that I would like to know, since I already asked? Should I take for granted that he knows that I will listen if he ever wants to talk about it? Should I wait a while and ask again?
In all complete honesty, I don't HAVE to know what happened between him and his dad, but I get embarassed when people ask me about his dad, and I tell them that I've never met him, then they want to know why, so I tell them that my husband doesn't talk to his dad, then they want to know why, and I say that I don't know.
Any suggestion to what I could say instead of "I don't know" would be appreciated. I don't want to say, "It's really none of your business!!!" even though that's what the person deserves to hear.
I know that it's really silly to feel what I'm about to say, but I've always been raised that there are NO SECRETS between a husband and a wife, so when I tell people that "I don't know why he doesn't talk to his dad" I feel like there is something missing in our relationship.
My mom is always asking, "Do you ever ask him about it," and I tell her, "No, I feel he'll tell me if he wants to." It makes me feel like a bad wife that there are details about my husband that I don't know because he won't tell me! I know myself that when I share a secret with my husband, I feel so close to him....I never have anything that I'm afraid to tell him. Even if I don't particularly want to talk about something, I love him so much, and want to share things with him so much, that I don't hesitate to tell him.......he never shares secrets with me. Maybe that's my issue.....hmmmmmm
I think if Iwere married to someone.....I would want them to feel vulnerable enough to me to confide ALL their feelings. Then again......maybe that's just me being nosey.
If I were you .....I'd surely want to know.....but I don't think I'd bug him about it. It may be have been over any number of things which he is too embarassed to talk about. When people ask you.....simply say "It's a personal family situation".....kinda like you know but SHARE in the secret. LOL!
I wouldn't let it eat you up. He may tell you sometime when you least expect it. Suffice it to say that whatever it is, it's emotionally charged enough so that he doesn't want to talk about it. Sometimes you have to respect your loved one's wish to be silent about something that's happened to them.
As for others you can just say, "he and his dad had a falling out before we even met, so obviously I've never met him." And if the presumptuous buttinski in question persists by asking what the falling out was over (where do these people come from? thankfully I rarely encounter such obtuse people), you can say, "that's between them, and certainly not something for me to speak on." The implication being that it's not really for them to be asking about either. But if for some reason your interrogator is thickheaded enough to ask more questions about it, say something like, "may I ask why you're so interested in this? It's a private family matter."
midori's got a good point: your husband will share these things with you when he feels he's got a better handle on it. If the issue comes up again, just let him know that you respect his privacy, but that you also trust his judgment to share this with you when he feels comfortable sharishing it with you. Until he does, try not to let it get to you. He'll share in his own good time ...
as for the nosy nicks, tell them it's a family matter and you don't feel comfortable commenting on it. It's really not their business anyway ...
__________________ Get out there and rub a little sunshine on your face. – gunny376
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I want to know about his past.
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