[camcutie]

New to this forum, but in desperate need of advice.

I met my son's father will call him"P" 4 1/2 years ago, my son will be 2 next month. After just a few weeks of dating I moved in with him to a beautiful home and so I thought at that point had it all, the house, the dog, the cat, the brand new vehicles, and of course lets not forget a wonderful guy(for the first couple of months).

After about one year of living together and getting along pretty well, one day out of the blue he told me he didn't think he loved me enough or the way I should be loved. The next I moved back home with my mother and my animals. Went through 2 months of hell with him calling, seeing me, taking me out, made a big mistake, I'm just afraid of getting into deep because no ones faithful and I don't want to get hurt. I should've known right there he was the one doing the hurting.
He found out I went on afew dates and surprise wanted me back, well come to find out he went on a couple himself. Only difference was when I agreed to try and make things work I stopped dating. We were back together maybe 3-4weeks when we were out for the day and came back there was a pair of underwear hanging from what was my old bedroom ceiling fan. Stupid or what? I was in denial and believed his nephew who was staying with him at the time must have left them there. Same thing with the condoms that disappeared from our drawer, he gave them to his nephew. I still don't know what was wrong with me, the only thing I thank him for is my son.

After being back together 2-3 months I became pregnant. We both knew we were doing nothing to prevent this from happening, so it wasn't a shock. The first 2months of my pregnancy was hell on earth with him. He didn't want me to have the baby, when I told him I was not going to make any other decision he told me good luck. I didn't hear from him for weeks, then stupid again took his lines and lies of apology back in hopes of that perfect family.

I was 71/2 months pregnant when he left one night to go out and never came back, three days later I finally knew he was at his house(we hadn't moved back in together yet), I went to the house ring the doorbell,knew he was in the bedroom, called the phone, he would not respond(stupid again I believed he was alone).

As I said my son will be 2 and I've been emotionally and mentally and verbally abused by him for so long, I think I thought that was right. About 4 months ago he had gone and stayed out again (because it became a routine) until 4:30am. Come to find out was using cocaine. I always told him never would I deal with that in my sons life so I asked him to leave, he did, just not completely. He would come and go in and out, how hard it was for him, he still loved me, of coarse the best was, still came to me for sex because he didn't want to make a horrible mistake he would regret. Then of coarse if I wouldn't" would I rather he do it with someone else." He went to Maine for 1 1/2 weeks on vaca, he came home and wanted to be with me was going to work on what he needed to do to make this work. Again stupid, I let him come back with the hopes of the perfect family.


Not too much changed in the following 5 weeks until about 2 months ago, I met the man my son's father hired to work for him. I got to know him over the next few weeks, we went out one nigh, a large group of friends. I flirted with him alittle playfully. I never expected for him to bring it up again, but he did. He was going to send me flowers at work and decided we needed to talk first. I planned on meeting him one night about 5 weeks ago to tell him nothing could ever happen between us, he works for my son's father and they were acquaintances first. About 2 hours before I was going to met him my telephone rang at home, at dinner time.
It was a girl asking for me to tell me "P" was no good he's a liar and he's been cheating on me for along time. I said thank you and hung up. When I confronted him on it first he wanted to know exactly what was said(of coarse now I know why). After telling him, he told me who it was. Before I forget while we were separated, before the trip to Maine(alone), I asked him to swear to me he wasn't going to try and make things work with me and see anyone else at the same time, and he did. So the girl that called was the girl he was seeing, he told her he didn't want to see her or talk to her anymore when he decided to come back to me. Did you catch that too, this girl he told he didn't want to see anymore waited 5 weeks to call me ok....

So to make a long story even longer, I did not tell his employee nothing could happen between us that night I went with it. He is the sweetest guy so much the complete opposite of "P" I took that phone call from her as a sign of fate. I will always thank her because before that dose of reality I was just in denial. At that moment of that look in his eyes when he shrugged his shoulders and said "oh well what do you want me to say? It happened now either move on with us or tell me to leave again" I knew I didn't love him anymore. Finally I was free of all heartache from him ever again, and to not hurt at all feels great, it's been about 4 1/2 years I forgot what happy feels like. So me and this employee have been going strong for alittle over a month now "P" knows nothing and has yet to leave my house in spite of the 75000000000 times I've asked him to, I'm still sleeping on the couch in my house. Need advise on how to handle this new relationship and the whole me really falling hard, my son's father probably flipping when he finds out, and biggest peeve of all is now that "P" doesn't spend much time here he's been spending extra time with his employee as friends. I need input, advise, HELP.................

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read me venting it felt great .......

[Arabess]

Why would you even consider staying with a man who has been abusive towards you and less than faithful?? You should make a clean break. Leave... take your children.....get yourself an attorney for the financial welfare of the children.

Once you've accomplished all that....you can date anyone you want to without regret or remorse. Continuing to see this new guy while the rest of your life is in limbo though.....will only complicate the issue. Maybe it would be best to 'chill out' a while with him until you've gotten out of the relationship you are currently in.

You didn't mention if you had a job. I realize young mother's often stay in bad marriages or live-in relationships due to finances. This is where contacting an attorney (see above) will become important.

[Torntoshreds]

Hi Cam!

Wow. Reading your posting reminded me a lot of my first true love out of high school. He had a nice house. A sports car. A high paying job. And he was gorgeous. I thought my life would be wonderful from that point on. WRONG.
Though he treated me great when he was sober, he was an alcoholic and during his drinking binges would seek out the first sweet thing that came around.

He'd cheat on me. Then come home and beg for forgiveness.
Then cheat - and beg for more forgiveness. I felt so sorry for him, and always gave in.

One time a gal came to our house and threatened to beat me up from the doorway. I had no clue who or what she was doing and was ready to call the police, scared to death. I learned later that he messed around with her when he was out at the bars. She found out about ME and thought that I was the other woman!?!!!

One more episode of begging for forgiveness and but this time I said "NO WAY" and moved back in with my folks.

Then he was in an awful car crash (drunk) and had to go to AA meetings to avoid jail. He came to my work and said he wouldnt go unless I went with him to every meeting. So I did. And of course, we started going out again.

For 3 months, our relationship was great! He proposed to me and i accepted. He was sober and had stopped going to bars.

But when his parents split up, his dad (an alcholic too) asked him to go get drunk with him. While drunk, he began kissing on a woman at a restaraunt bar --- I know this because I was there with my ENTIRE family for a gathering.

I was enraged, thinking of everything I had done for him. I followed him home and when he parked, I got out of my car and said "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN".

And I meant it. Even when he begged, I stuck to my guns. I didn't want to live the miserable life his mother led with a drunken, abusive husband. I just thank God that I never got pregnant.


Your guy sounds like his addiction is partly to blame for his inability to maintain a steady, normal, monogamous relationship too.

Since he is verbally and mentally abusive and involved with drugs, and he is staying in your house with your child, I would certainly ask him to leave - for the benefit of all of you, but mostly for the childs sake. Tell him you will ask for assistance if he doesn't leave on his own. Give him an exact date that he needs to be out and don't waver on it. Get a court order if necessary.

It looks to me like he'll stay at your place forever, thinking that you will never give him the boot.

Good luck sweetie.

[camcutie]

Thank you Torn, it's amazing the things we put ourselves through. I know I have to get him out of here I must have asked him 100 times in the last month or more. I think he's hesitating because I've done so much this time to get my self back on my feet as a person that he knows this times forever.

I've been trying to be patient partly because I want to keep the peace as much as possible because he is my sons father and partly because the guilt I feel about what's going on with his employee/acquaintance. I find myself picking fights w/him when he's to nice to me because I'd rather he be mad at me and act like an a****** then I don't feel as bad.

I really need some advice about what to do with this guy(employee) he loves me and I'm falling in love w/him so much I can't picture turning away now, he's just to great of a guy(or just so much the opposite from what I'm used to). Part of me feels guilt that could kill then I stop and rethink everything that "P" has put me through and found away to not let guilt get to him. Part of me thinks maybe if I'm honest it won't be as bad when he finds out, then part of me thinks the longer he doesn't know the more time pass the less he might care.

I could really use some words of wisdom on the being in love with this guy thing.

Thank you

[Torntoshreds]

Cam,

I know how hard it is to break it off with someone, especially someone you once loved. When you still care for someone and need to remain friends for the sake of children, you don't want to see them hurt.

You said this house is yours? Do you own this house? Or are you renting?

If you are desperate to keep things amicable with him, and refuse to get a restraining order that will force him out, maybe you could offer him the chance to buy the house from you?

One thing is for sure --- you can't stay living together in this situation.

Being in love with his employee should not matter at all. Why would you have to leave him if you force your ex to move out?
If you are worried that your ex will fire your boyfriend when he finds out you are having an affair, your boyfriend could sue him for harrassment.

[camcutie]

Torn,

Thank you, it feels good to hear someone say it should not matter because I spend so much time feeling guilt that I'm being an awful person for doing this (Ifeel) behind his back.

The situation with the house is not that complicated luckily it's my mothers house,we live with her and pay her rent and there were never any agreements. It's just the issue with me trying to keep peace and the majority of that being because I feel guilt about his employee/acquaintance/newly found friend.

Any advice on whether to tell my ex, have him tell my ex, or just keep quiet?

Thank you...............

[torn18]

As I said to you about my situation in my reply to your reply, I work with both the guys I am torn about, and you know what, I want to follow my heart and do what I want to do for once. I don't want to hurt anyone, but as many times as I have been hurt and realizing it wasn't intentional, it is sometimes inevitable that something has to give. Otherwise, you have to spend the rest of your life being miserable and thinking, what if. So go for what you want and do what you want to do, it will all work out eventually and the mean always meets the end.