[casyc]

First of all hello all,

Second I apologize for the length of the message.

I'm in the middle of a separation from my wife, I have read various posts looking for answers, visited a few of the web sites that where mentioned in other posts. I guess I should begin with some Basic details. Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. We are the legal guardians of my 12 yo sister. I could write a novel on our mother, so I will spare you.

I found email on her computer that confirmed she was having an affair with someone she met on the INTERNET. Also she has traveled twice to Washington to meet/sleep with him. My first thought (which may be typical) was divorce. I forwarded 3 of the emails to myself (guess I'm punishing myself by keeping them). One of them was an intense LOVE letter, and the other two where various graphic photos of each other.

When I confronted her, she told me that she has been trying to tell me for a while that she is/was unhappy. Then she did what really floors me. She started blaming my ward/sister for the majority of the problems. Granted my sister is a typical rebellious youngster who doesn't like authority. My sister never argues with us, but tends to not follow my wives instructions for housework to a "T", an arguing point between me and my wife. I feel this is a typical childhood thing, my wife says its done just to aggravate her.

Now back to my mother, I was raised for a few year's with her when I was younger, but vividly remember seeing her date numbers of different men, and she was not very discreet (or I was hyper vigilant) of her sexual encounters. Needless to say this put me in a hard position for trusting women. This whole childhood thing was talked about with my wife years ago, which is why it feels like a agonizing death to me to discover my wife cheating on me.

Well discussions with my wife about our problems always turned into its because of my sister. I don't know what my wife expects me to do. There is no-one else that will take care of my sister. She hasn't shown me any remorse about having the affair.

I talked to my wife about consoling she says it would be a waste of time, since my sister will never change.
My wife totally blames my sister for all problems in our marriage. She tells this to me and say she needs to get away from the house or my wife will totally destroy my sister emotionally with verbal abuse.

Looking at this objectively, yes all of problems did occur when my mother returned into my life with my sister, and for <severe> reasons I wont mention unless asked , I took custody of my sister.

Here is the kicker I love my wife so much, that I have agreed not to discuss her affair with our I'immediate family and friends. So for the last 3 days I have been hearing from my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and even my aunt whom which my wife has moved in with during the separation discuss how all the problems are related to my sister.

Jesus, how can a 12 year old break up a marriage, I don't see it; which my wifes points out everytI'me we talk/fight.
I can't even begin to think about whats wrong between my wife and sister because of all the anger/hurt/resentment I feel about the affair my wife had.

Sorry I guess I'm rambling on,

Any thoughts?

[moimeme]

I'm sorry to say it, but your wife is pretty pathetic to blame her affair on your sister. Clearly she can't take the blame onto herself, where it belongs. If she was having problems with taking care of your sister, it was her responsibility to tell you about it and ask you to go to counselling with her and your sister.

Why would you agree to hide her dirty secret and let her malign your poor sister to the rest of the family? She does not deserve your promise to hide her affair - how horrible of her to ask you! Nor does your sister deserve this sort of abusive treatment. Next family gathering, tell your wife in front of the whole crowd that you'll not hide her affair any longer. To continue to hide her lies is just sick.

[blossom]

Good sweet God...

I second everything Moimeme wrote.

I would be in a blind fury if someone dared treat me like your wife has treated you and your little 12 y/o sister. The woman is seriously warped. Take care of your sister, she needs someone she can count on, someone to love her, someone to take care of her. She is a child for God's sake. Your wife can take care of herself...or so it seems. blossom

[Reckless]

I am furious to read of such a selfish, cowardly woman (I'm sorry I know you have feeling for her but that is how your post has made me feel). Your wife betrays your trust, has a sexual affair behind your back lies, cheats, belittles herself and you and then has the gaule to blame a 12 year old child?!

Your sister has obviously had a difficult time and no doubt has her own issues to deal with. No teenager is anything short of difficult but she has nothing to do with your wife's adult choice to find a lover and have sexual intercours with him! Do not allow this to continue, you owe yourself, your sister and your family the truth. Your wife has done nothing to deserve the decresion and restrain you are showing.

Your wife said that she's been unhappy for some time, instead of dealing with the family situation like an adult, she took a lover. Every time you little sister didn't clean her room properly what did your wife do? Check into a Motel?!!! Can you see how outrageous that is?

Now, instead of trying admiting to being a liar and an adulteress, she sticks her head in the sand and uses a 12 year old child to win family sympathy and support!

Fling open the cupboards, sweep everything into the open and let the chips fly.

sheez!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I must also agree with Miomeme.

Children are very intuitive. Perhaps, like you, your sister has already sensed something about your wife...just as you were aware of your mother's behavior those many years ago. It might explain part of her rebellion, particularly if it's directed at your wife.

And as the 'adult,' she should be ashamed of herself for blaming her inexcusable behavior on a child. Unless your sister was taking those "provocative" photos of your wife, she is not to blame for her unhappiness or her affair.

If this woman refuses to accept responsibility and seek counseling, I'd remove the problem immediately. Otherwise, she'll screw up the both of you.

[moimeme]

Otherwise, she'll screw up the both of you.

Looks like that ship has already sailed

[yogi-mon]

All I can say is that I cant imagine what your going through.
I hope you dont have to feel bad for much longer...

Well there is no question that your wife has behaved badly. Several people here have told you that already. But as I read your post, here is something that jumped out at me:

Looking at this objectively, yes all of problems did occur when my mother returned into my life with my sister, and for <severe> reasons I wont mention unless asked , I took custody of my sister.

Did you take custody of your sister or did you and your wife do so? Did you receive any counseling to help you understand what your new life together would be like? Did you discuss what your new challenges were likely to be and how you would work together to resolve them?

I don't know how old you are or what your and your wife's plans for children are/were, but it is a huge deal to become an overnight parent and especially to a rebellious 12 year old who must come with a ton of baggage from what little you've said about your mother and the fact that you are parenting your sister in the first place.

Marriages change dramatically when children enter the picture. People may suddenly discover that what were once small differences of (theoretical) opinion are now major issues. Your wife may indeed have legitimate issues around the way your sister behaves and, more to the point, how you and your wife work out (or don't) issues regarding your sister. The fact is that your sister is NOT your wife's child, and it is going to take a lot of effort on everyone's part (but especially yours, I would think), to make things work.

Jesus, how can a 12 year old break up a marriage, I don't see it; which my wifes points out everytI'me we talk/fight. I can't even begin to think about whats wrong between my wife and sister because of all the anger/hurt/resentment I feel about the affair my wife had.

How long has your wife been trying to talk to you about your sister? Although her choice of methods leaves a lot to be desired, it would appear that she has finally gotten your attention.

Again, this is not to say that your wife has not acted inappropriately. She has. And if she is not willing to receive some sort of counseling with you -- not to necessarily change your sister (although family counseling may be recommended) -- but to understand why your wife chose to act out her upset through an affair and what steps you both need to take to put your relationship back on track (assuming this is both desired and feasible -- a good counselor will address this *very* early on), then I'd say there's no hope here. (What a run-on sentence - sorry!).

[wiseOLDman]

I gotta agree with all the comments above. I'll have to assume that you and your wife agreed that it would be appropriate to take your sister in. Your wife, like many people in today's society, is not taking responsibility for her acts. She's blaming others for her actions. Contact an attorney to assure that you and your sister are protected from this woman. You are willing to try to work things thru and she's not so you've done your part.

[SoleMate]

Counselling is the only hope here - both marital and family counseling. I'm sorry to say that if your wife does not agree, there is minimal chance your marriage can be saved.

Children do put huge stress on a marriage - even when they are born into the family as cute tiny babies. A typically or even atypically troubled adolescent is an even bigger stress, but no, it is never appropriate to "blame" a child for breaking up a marriage.

I usually agree with Moimeme, but I really disagree with her advice to tell the whole family about your wife's affair. I feel that this is a private matter for you and your wife. Once you start making it a matter of common knowledge, it becomes a source of unwanted conversation and advice, and will just tend to deepen your own wounds and also your wife's and sister's. If you do this as a way to punish your wife, well then...welcome to the gutter. The fact that others may already be there is hardly relevant.

I see three suffering people here - and yes, your wife has transgressed horribly. Have you listened to your wife's words about her suffering? And last, has your wife been evaluated for depression? It could be at the root of her anger.

Good luck and God bless.

try to start an email thread with her regarding your issues.

That way you have things in writing. If it comes to divorce it would be a good thing for her to have written the why / what. A judge would probably like to read it. Also - keep the emails you already have.

"When I confronted her, she told me that she has been trying to tell me for a while that she is/was unhappy." - well she was not doing a good enough job. Sometimes somebody can do/say things they think are supposed to work - and when you dont understand them - they give up. She should have looked to other, healthier methods for letting you know she was unhappy. What she did, although somewhat common it seems, it inexcusable.

I would also suggest you get yourself in counceling right away. Try to get your sister involved too. It sounds like she has issues to work out and it would only help her. If all three of you could go - Im sure her and your wife would benefit from having a controlled environment to deal with their problems and conflicts....hopefully this would bring them closer together.

Also - taking in your sister - good for you man. I would have a really tough time with your wife. To me family is family. We make sacrifices for them. If your wife has such a tough time with it - maybe she has no idea what family really is.

unfortunately - without a mediator/therapist - I cant see any issues being resolved. If she wont see one - then I suggest separation right away. That way if things dont work out - you wont incur any debt she racks up following the separation.

good luck.

[midori]

I think that your wife's behavior is reprehensible. But you've got to look at the larger family dynamic. Why isn't your wife getting along with your sister? You mentioned your sister challenges your wife's authority. You are inclined to chalk it up to the rebelliousness of youth, but as cdn observed, that may not be at all the way your wife experiences it.

Not to suggest that your perceptiveness is lacking, but do consider that your own unfortunate childhood might not give you the best sense of what is "normal" for kids your sister's age, and/or what is acceptable. I think family counseling is most definitely in order. And while you and your wife should go into marriage counseling, in the end the person who needs the most help in adjusting and coping may be your sister. You mentioned dire circumstances that moved you to seek and obtain custody of your sister. Unless your mother willingly gave her up (which could be damaging to your sister in and of itself), there must have been overwhelming evidence that her home was inappropriate for your sister.

What has your sister been through during her short life? If she's suffering from some kind of trauma you can't reasonably expect that everything is fine with her now that you've removed her from that unhealthy environment.

Believe me, I'm not on your wife's "side," inasmuch as I don't think her behavior was at all justified. But now that it has happened, use this as an eye-opening opportunity to look at what is going on in your household. If your sister is having difficulty at 12, where will she be at 14, 17, 19? Her challenges to your wife's authority could be some kind of cry for help; or at least a test of your wife's devotion to her.

Mind you, I'm not suggesting that your sister is irreparably damaged goods. But obviously something isn't right there.

As for your wife, I dont' really know what to say. Is she a very jealous person, is she jealous of your sister's demands on your time and attention? What's her story? Why wasn't she able to speak to you rationally about your sister -- is that because you wouldn't listen to her, or because she isn't attuned to what's going on with your sister? The cheating is unjustifiable. The blanketing condemnations of your sister suggest insensitivity and selfishness. But they could also be a signal of frustration and feeling powerless. I think you need to do a bit of thinking -- how do you perceive your wife's character? Generally speaking is she a good person? What do you think?

[moimeme]

If your sister is having difficulty at 12,

Gosh! Girls are into puberty at 12 and earlier. That in itself is going to contribute to problems. I knew my ex's stepdaughter from the ages of 10 through 12 - there was a VERY big change in her outlook and personality once she started to bud. "What'll she be like at 14, etc.?" She may well be very difficult both because of puberty and because of her family situation - which is why she badly needs a female figure in her life who can understand that she's just a kid going through a rough period. My ex worked with a lot of female teachers; many of whom had daughters the same age. When they'd talk about their girls, all the women had tales to tell of difficulties with them. I'd almost be more worried if the girl had hit puberty and been exactly the same as she was before!

Heck, puberty for girls can be the equivalent of four years of PMS!!!

[midori]

When they'd talk about their girls, all the women had tales to tell of difficulties with them. I'd almost be more worried if the girl had hit puberty and been exactly the same as she was before!

Heck, puberty for girls can be the equivalent of four years of PMS!!!

It's a myth that all girls undergo enormous, volatile personality and temperament changes as they go through puberty. Puberty has been characterized in the West as a time of great tension and conflict. That's not true in all cultures, and it's also not always the case with girls in Western societies.

Given what little we know of this girl's history I think it would be a bit naive to assume that her problems can just be chalked up to puberty. Yes, she needs a caring female figure in her life. But that might not be enough. He should at least have her talking to a skilled counselor

[moimeme]

He should at least have her talking to a skilled counselor

Agree absolutely. Sounds like this kid is having a pretty rough time.