[blingkid]

Hi, I've been with my girlfriend on and off for 6 years now. we recently got back together after she left me thinking that she didnt love me anymore. She soon came to her senses and came back.

However i dont think i can trust her because during our breakup even though i dated and slept with several women, she dated and slept with one man. I feel insuccure, and jelous about her sleeping with another man.

I asked alot of questions and found out that she doesnt find me as attractive as she once did because i have put on weight over the years and that she finds slimmer guys attractive.

I'm trying to loose the weight but just dont know if that will change anything. She also says that she doesnt enjoy the sex as much as she used to, and feel this could be down to her not being physically attracted to me although she loves me.

I tried to break up with her cos i dont know if we can make it through this but she doesnt want that because she doesnt want to loose me. I do love her and i know she loves me, but can it work? I need some advice. What do i do?

[midori]

Originally posted by blingkid
Hi, I've been with my girlfriend on and off for 6 years now. we recently got back together after she left me thinking that she didnt love me anymore. She soon came to her senses and came back.

However i dont think i can trust her because during our breakup even though i dated and slept with several women, she dated and slept with one man. I feel insuccure, and jelous about her sleeping with another man.

Um. How to put this... get over it. You two were split up. You were sleeping with other women.

I tried to break up with her cos i dont know if we can make it through this but she doesnt want that because she doesnt want to loose me. I do love her and i know she loves me, but can it work? I need some advice. What do i do?

You know what, usually I'm all for couples to work through things and come to understand each other better. But for some reason your situation just strikes me as futile. I think you are beating a dead horse.

Yes, lose weight. So that you'll feel more confident about yourself. And for your health. But I don't think that's going to make things better between you and your girlfriend. You don't fall out of love with someone just because they've put on some weight. You say that the two of you still love each other -- are you sure about that? Or do you just have a lot of affection for each other and are both attached to being in the relationship? Six years is a long time. A hard habit to break. And some people don't know how to function outside of a relationship.

You know what I think you might try: break up. Make a list of things you each would like to accomplish that you think would make you happier, more attractive people. For you that will be losing weight. Make a pact that while you two might date other people during the next two or three months, you will not sleep with anyone. Not because you will have any responsibility to each other on that front, but because the two of you are trying to look at your relationship to see if it's what you really want, and in order to do that you need to gain some perspective, which being single for a while might provide.

In other words, both of you really make a stab at living as single people. You can't do that if there are new women/men phoning you, wondering about whether a relationship is starting since you've slept with them, etc. It would mean being in control. Getting drunk and hooking up with some random chick might be fun, but if Miss Random thinks that you'll be calling her up the next weekend to go out then you're not really single, are you? So you'll have to be clear about what your mission is.

Check in with each other at the end of two or three months. See how you're feeling. See how you feel about each other. I think you'll know then whether or not it's really love between the two of you or just a fear of letting go of the relationship.

I know I'm suggesting that you break up and stay single through the holidays -- what a horror! But consider that maybe that's part of what brought your gf back, the thought of not having anyone to ring in the new year with, no one to exchange gifts with and be all cozy and snuggly while strolling around holly-festooned shops, was too much to bear. I am single myself, and have gone through many a holiday season single. It is possible to enjoy the holidays as an unattached person. But it will require a real shift if you're someone who has only come to know themselves in the context of being in a relationship.

What you've described sounds like a dead, barren relationship. Your extra weight cannot possibly be the sole source of the disconnect. Maybe it's just not worth saving. But if you want to, I do think you and your gf will have to take some radical steps, whether it's what I've suggested or something else.

Good luck!

[Arabess]

I agree with Midori.

I also think you two are only focusing on what happened in your PAST while broke up....instead of working on a stable relationship NOW. Weight....and who slept with who....and how many....become issues couples argue about in order to avoid the real problems and truths regarding the relationship.

It seems to me neither one of you want to be alone....but yet you aren't finding complete satisfaction by being together.

I think you will have to really make a judgement call on if this relationship is even worth your time. That can be a hard call....but it's just as well to face it now....then as Midori said "keep beating a dead horse".

[blingkid]

I take on board what you both say, but I think i probably wasnt clear about a few things, when we broke up, we were apart for 5 months, didnt speak often just once a month or so. We basically both tried being single, but i always knew she'd come back to me because I was always that sure about myself. But now i think the problem is my insucurity, I was hurt that she slept with another man. Thats what has prompted me to feel the way i do. I knida know its double standards on my part, but she broke up with me, you see, a lot of females like me so i wasnt gonna sit around like a muppet doing nothing. We get on real well, have great times together, but the fact that she doesnt find me as attractive as she once did really bothers me. She does love me, well at least i think so, but its just that i find myself asking all these questions about the situation. Its made me feel a bit low and thats a feeling i've never had, i've alway be the most confident person i know. Am I just being childish because thats what my friend thinks, he's known both of us as long as we've known each other and he tells me to be positive and it'll work out, but i just cant stop asking myself questions.

[Guidette82]

I have honestly NOT read the replies to this, but I can say this much...if she isn't sexually attracted to you, it is NOT your weight. If you TRULY love someone and want to spend your life with them, weight is not gonna change your feelings...neither will looks. It's good that you are trying to loose weight, but don't do it for her, do it for YOU. It sounds to me like she feels secure with you and she doesn't want to have to go throught that CHANGE of finding a new relationship and starting over. I would recommend telling her that you don't feel comfortable with the relationship anymore since she is making it clear that she isn't attracted and see how it goes. She may feel more up to being honest if YOU bring up the issue...DO NOT stick around just because you don't want anyone getting hurt. If the relationship isn't working, you need to move on with your life. If it's meant to be it will be. GOOD LUCK!