[xyz_212]

i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. the last 4 month sof our relationship were tough and i finally couldnt take it anymore. he wanted space. we took one or two week breaks and when we would see each other again after the break things would be ok for a day or two and he would get back into his distant ways and i would feel neglected.

it was as if he wanted to go backwards... he was saying things like lets see less of each othere right now.. why do we have to be so serious. etc etc. so i moved from chicago to ny. we were discussing moving together before things went sour so i did it on my own. i felt devastated and lost and so i knew leaving was best for me.

throughout our dragged out desicion to break up he was admiate about keeping in touch and said that he know i was perfect for him and that he wanted to live together in the future, have a family etc etc. he said that he just needed space right now to be on his own to not have to worry about anyone but himself for a while. he said he felt like every descion he made lately had me involved and he just wasnt ready for that.

so as hard as it was for me i had to respect that because im in love with him and so i figured that could work. i have been in ny for one month and we have been keeping in touch. (emails every other day and a phone call once a week) anyways... i was ending up crying on the phone everytime we talked and reading too deep into emails he was sending etc etc..

so you kknow. his emails always included i miss you and ended with 'i love you'/

how am i supposed to read that>? i was getting confused and felt like we were still together//

so he suggested we see each other for christmas to keep up our friendship etc etc and talk about the future and so i thought it would be a good idea.. he said that we would spend new years eve together and well,,, i was thrilled.

yesterday when we talked i asked him for definite date on seeing each other over xmas break and 1st he said he couldnt see me on new years only for a few days after xmas because he didnt have enough vacation time or $$.. then after a few minutes the conversation/story changed... and he then said he wanted to go off on his own because we are <quote> "not together"

then and there i realized that hes right we arent and i have been fooling myself. so i asked him not to contact me ... i said we couldnt talk anymore because it hurts too much.. while it may be easy for him its NOT for me.. simply because its on his terms..


i told him he could only contact me if he wa ready and seriously deciding to move to ny.

why is he doing this.. how could he email and talk all of the time telling me he loves me and misses me.. is he just crazy?

i know i need to move on for now and live my life and not wait..


i guess im looking for opinions, hope, realistic advise.

thanks. these boards are great!

[Goatsbreath]

Its obvious...., he's still keeping his options open. He dont want to close any doors so to speak. You should do the same.

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years did the same thing to me. He told me he needed time to be on his own and figure out his life without the influence of a girlfriend. He told me that he wants to stay friends during this break so that it will be easier for us to get back together, once he finds happiness within himself. So far, it's been about a month during our break. Unfortunately, we talk about 4 times a week, and we see each other about once a week. He's making it a little easier on me than your boyfriend is for you because he doesn't say "I love you" anymore, rather, "I care deeply for you," which makes it easier on me. Honestly, I'm having a rough time with it because there's still that hope that we will one day get back together and that fear that he will not want to get back together. You can't think about that. Take one day at a time. Do not start looking at the future, you'll just upset yourself.

Here's what I've been doing, and it's been helpful, so hopefully it'll help you too. Keep yourself as busy as possible and surround yourself with people who care about you. If you feel like you can't remain friends with him, then don't. If things are meant to work out, they will. You can't let one person hold you back from having fun and living your life. Just go out, have fun with your friends...of course you're going to think about him, and if you have to, give him a call--but don't act like you miss him--just be friendly, sweet, and keep it short--like you just wanted to say "hi" and see how he's doing. If you meet someone on the break, by all means, give dating a try, you never know...if you don't meet anyone, it's ok, just use this time to make yourself a better person. This is your time to decide whether he is right for you! So hang in there. I know it's hard. If you guys are right for each other, it'll all work out in the end. Good luck!

[candywor]

He may still care for you. But he is definetely keeping his options open with you included. You need to either tell him that you are moving on or ask him why he is acting like that and is it because of something you did. Nobody really wants space in a relationship unless they aren't satisfied and his bring up the point that you are " Not together" should be seen as a slap in the face an a indication to move on. It tends to be that when someone stresses that you are not together that they are already moving on and maving sure they stated that you aren't involved leaving it up to you on whether you want to hang in there, without laying the burden of hurt feelings at their door.