[Lester]

It has been almost 3 months since my wife of 20 years has moved out. Those of you who have read my recent posts know the circumstances. Since then she has agreed to go to counceling with me. Aftewr our first trip there the doctor didnt want to see me anymore and has continued to see my wife. She said my wife was very critical and needed to get better first.
After the first couple of weeks of separation my 14 year old son has moved back in with me and only sees my wife 1 night a week. His choice, he says she's weird. We have been emailing each other back and forth quite a bit but it never fails that no matter what I say about anything she always seemed to get angry. We have also been talking a little on the phone but I have to watch every word I say and can not speak of our problems. She gets very angry and extremely defensive over the oddest things.
So I have been just basically sitting along with my son waiting on her to make up her mind what she wants to do. Then a couple nights ago my son was talking to her on the phone. I wasnt paying any attention to what he was saying. After he hung up I walked into his room and seen him crying on the bed. When I asked him what was wrong he replied that she just doesnt care. I thought to myself "enough". I have been kissing her behind for so long and all she is doing is prolonging our agony. So I called her up.
I said "What the hell did you say to our son?" Then in a nice even tone of voice I began telling her the reality of things. She is surrounded by her family members and all they do is pat her on the back and tell her what ever she wants is what they want. I told her that I did not even know her. She wasnt my wife. My wife was kind, caring and loving. She would never abandon her family and certainly would not ignore her sons feelings. My wife would never turn her back on her marriage. She would fight tooth and nail to save it. I told her that she can not just walk away from a 20 year investment. That we started a business together and that her son and I are still here in our house trying to cope with her absence and continue on with our normal lives while we wait for her to figure out what she wants.
I told her that I have to maintain hope because of the enormous amount of love I have for my wife but how can I continue hoping if I dont see any positive moves on her part. Then I asked her about counseling and what was taking place but I knew she wouldnt tell me. Its always been a big secret. She has said that its helping her but all I see is that its helping her to stay away, making it easier for her. I asked when I was going to be invited back to the counselors? She said she is not going there to work on her marriage. She said she has nothing more to give. What does that mean?

Yesterday I sent her an email saying that this is the final message you'll ever get from me. I do not know you, I dont even like you and you certainly are not my wife. I am willing to continue the pain of hope but without any signs from you of trying to save our marriage I simply must let go in order to save myself. I have a child to take care of, a business to run and a life to live....what ever that is. If you ever happen to run into my wife please tell her that I love and miss her very very much and I want nothing more than for her to slip the ring that I gave her so many years ago back on her finger and come home to her loving family. Would you do that please? Please do not call me but my wife can call whenever she wants. And finally.........Goodbye


Did I blow it? When I got done I was crying a river of tears.

[moimeme]

It depends. If the things you said are true and you meant them, then you did the right thing and you should move on. However, if you threw those words at her in the hope that you would wound her enough to make her ashamed and come back, that was a mistake. You don't draw someone closer by pushing her away.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Sounds like you were very hurt and sad, and you let that turn into a hurtful expression of anger against your wife. I hope it did you some good because I am sure it didn't help her or the possibility of rebuilding a relationship.

Then in a nice even tone of voice I began telling her the reality of things. She is surrounded by her family members and all they do is pat her on the back and tell her what ever she wants is what they want. I told her that I did not even know her. She wasnt my wife.

Yesterday I sent her an email saying that this is the final message you'll ever get from me. I do not know you, I dont even like you and you certainly are not my wife.

Those were cruel things to say. I know they came from the deep well of your own pain, but if you have any strength in you to put a lid on that stuff, or let it out in non-destructive way (like at the gym), do it.

If your wife has changed that much, and the doctor considers her critical, then I think you perhaps need to open your eyes and understand your wife's suffering. I haven't read your other posts yet, but it sounds as if your wife is severely depressed. Yes, the spouse suffers a lot. (Check out my posts on this.) Bashing on your wife only makes things worse.

I suggest you get solo counseling with a professional who can help you understand your wife's problems, realize the results they have had on you, and learn some coping techniques. Another possibility would be family counseling with you and your son, hoping that your wife can get pulled in. Do pay attention to your son - both of you are being rejected and feeling hurt because of your wife's actions, so make a deliberate choice to pull together in a strong and loving way and be there for each other.

My sympathies on what your family is going through.

[Lester]

The things I said were true and I wasnt trying to shame her just trying to give her a level headed idea of what is happening and what she is doing. Whe I seen she had upset my son so much I just couldnt hold my true thoughts anymore. I felt someone needs to tell her the truth.

Counceling sounds like a good idea for my son and I. We are in a lot of pain and full of grief. Its just not fair that we have to patiently wait for her to make up her mind while she doesnt seem to evn be trying. The doctor seems to be pushing her farther away from me. Making her stronger in her resolve.

I think by sending her the email that I am starting to shut the door on her and I dont want to do that. I love her so much

[Kay]

Oh, Lester. I am just so sorry for all that you are going through. Really, I am.

I have to say that I don't find fault in what you said to your wife. I understand completely how incredibly intense those feelings of frustration, hurt, confusion and sadness are. Particularly when you have children who are suffering, too. Did it help your situation? Probably not, but you are a human being experiencing pain unlike any other. (you know me from my own posts; I empathize with you)

Has your wife actually said she wants a divorce? If not, I would probably make a date with myself that in 3 months, 6 months, two more weeks, whatever YOU choose ... you will begin taking steps toward a separation or (sadly) a divorce. I know that you love her, Lester. But if you really can't wait any longer or the pain is just too great, make a choice that works for you and for your son.

Keep posting. I care. (remember, I've "waited" for my husband almost a year -- and we're actually making some progress... but the wait is excruciatingly painful) Only YOU know what you can endure. Kay

[Lester]

You seem to be a very considerate and warm person and I wish you great luck with your husband.

She is always saying that maybe she should just go ahead and get a divorce. That it might make things easier on everyon. The other night when I told her all those things she brought it up again and I said "go ahead, go file but I wont sign it so it wont be finalized until 2 years after separation." Then she said " I dont want a divorce. "

What does she want then? I'm slowly dying on the inside.

We have our 21st anniversary coming up in January. I know the holidays will be pure hell without her and I have decided that if she isnt home by our anniversary I will shut down. That day will be absolute torture for me