[rani]

Hi Everyone,


I'm totally new to this site, sitting in my new house, my daughter upstairs asleep, I have work that I need to do, but I can't focus at all. So I thought that if I could pose this situation to you all, maybe you could help.


My husband of 10 years asked to split up on Sept. 20, it took this long to find a place to move into and in that time we have slept together quite a few times, argued, and I found out that almost a week to the day that he wanted to split, he met this woman that is his "friend" that has "been there for him."


I did it, I snooped, and I found that there was an emotional affair going on. I'm angry, insulted, scared, and I have NO idea of how to handle this. He says he still loves me, but that we have NOTHING in common, we agree on NOTHING and that counseling would do no good. -- I even broke down and downloaded one of those "save your marriage" e-books in my desperation.


I love him still, but it seems as though I have no chance here. But he doesn't want me to get anyone else to help me with the moving or fixing up the new house. What is he doing to me? And why? Does anyone else have this experience? Advice?

Thanks,
Rani

[Reckless]

I am very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately it seems as if there is nothing you can do about it, your husband is not willing to save your marriage and things are therefore out of your hands. You, however, should not have to go through all this alone.

This brings me to something that stands out in your post..

he doesn't want me to get anyone else to help me with the moving or fixing up the new house. What is he doing to me? And why?

Not only has your husband abandoned you and your daughter, but he seems to want to keep you in limbo. Why? so that should his new adventure fall through, he has you as a back up. This is despicable. You get help and get it now! Sure there will be times that you have to grieve a 10 year union and want to be alone, but you husband has no right to insist on anything, least of all that you don't get support. He gave that 'right' up when he packed his suitcase - don't let him forget that.

So get your friends and family round. Join a womens group. Get people to help love and support you. I would avoid any romantic attachments for the time being(rebound is bad news and very damaging for all concerned especially children) but that's not to say you have to sit in an empty house wondering if your husband will change his mind and come back. Forge friendships, male and female, get out, do what you enjoy, spoil yourself and your children make that new place a haven you, fill it with joy for yourself and your girl and for goodness sake, don't forget to send him the goddamn bill!!

Good luck
R

[midori]

Originally posted by rani

I love him still, but it seems as though I have no chance here. But he doesn't want me to get anyone else to help me with the moving or fixing up the new house. What is he doing to me? And why? Does anyone else have this experience? Advice?

Guilt. He knows that he took the coward's route by turning to this other woman. He probably knows on some level that he has shut you out and used a b.s. excuse like the two of you having "nothing in common." That sounds like a conclusion he reached with the thoughtful assistance of his dear friend. An appealing line of reasoning because it means that rather than addressing the problems in your marriage he can just walk away. After all there's no point in trying to fix anything if he knows that the two of you "must" split up.

Not wanting to see himself as a bad guy he wants to be able to say that he was supportive of you, and kind. So he'll insist on being the one to help you move, etc.

I don't know what to advise. I don't know if you want to save your marriage -- it sounds like you do -- or if it's possible to do so. People can be very good at deluding themselves, and if I'm right about what's going on, your husband may not recognize what he has done until the marriage is long gone and the divorce papers signed and filed away. The more you push him the more he'll cling to his rationale. It's not something you can (entirely) blame on the other woman -- this route was attractive to him for a reason. For some reason he was unwilling to deal with you and your marriage.

The only thing I can think to suggest is to talk to friends and family members. I think that when something like this happens the shut out partner is often so bewildered and hurt that they don't know where to turn and end up isolated from people who could help. Do you have a reasonably close relationship with his parents and/or siblings? Mutual friends? Old friends of his who have become your friends too? Talk to them. Not to rally the troops against him or make him out to be the bad guy, but to try to reach some mutual understanding about what is going on. This is your marriage, your husband, your child's father, after all.

No one can force him to change his mind. But he sounds like someone who is susceptible to others' opinions, sounds like this is something he hasn't been able to think through for himself and thus he adopted a convenient, if untruthful, escape route. Maybe if his friends and family all think he's nuts, and make no bones about conveying that to him, it will at least give him pause. But they might not feel comfortable doing that if they don't really know what's going on. If you're in hiding from them, or refusing to discuss things with them out of a misplaced sense of pride or whatever, they won't have any idea that you don't agree with the "nothing in common" verdict.

I don't know the dynamics involved, or the people involved. What I'm suggesting would require you to keep your emotions in check for the time being (although I can appreciate that you must be reeling). If you seem to be hysterical his family and friends may take that as evidence that things between you and your husband are bad, that this was inevitable. Emotionally fragile or volatile women are scary to a lot of people, they'll avert their eyes, lest they get dragged into ugliness.

You ought to consider whether you really want this guy in your life now. I mean, I think you do, and thus I've suggested what I have. And it may well not work, it's just a suggestion. But frankly you've got to wonder about a guy who starts to get a bit antsy or unhappy and, instead of turning to his spouse, instead of trusting her to work things through with him, he sabotages the entire marriage and jeopardizes his relationship with his child. Why? Because he's an emotional coward? Can that change?

I can see that the emotional affair might have been the catalyst for him to leave you. But if he wasn't ripe for it, the emotional affair wouldn't have happened. This other woman might seem to be the source of the problem, but when you get down to it, it's him. Do you want that in your life?