Hi- I'm hoping someone can offer me some advice in my situation.

I'm in my mid-twenties and am in school pursuing a PhD. I've been raised in a VERY stict european upbringing, but have been living in america all my life. My family is warm and caring and has always been there for me, but my parents set certain impossible expectations for me (i.e. MUST marry someone from the same background or else i will be disowned). I have always been a very respectful daughter and an all around good girl (never done drugs, never slept around, very driven in school, etc.).

For the past 3 years, I have been in a serious relationship with a hispanic-american guy and my parents refuse to meet him. I kept the relationship a secret for years, but it's getting to the age where I shouldn't have to hide who I love. He is the most caring, sensitive, driven man I have ever met and we plan to get married later on down the road- when we both finish our studies. He treats me with love and respect, and all of my friends love him for me and think we make a strong couple. I love him with everything I have- and would do anything to be with him (as he would me) forever.

My parents believe that people of two different cultures should never mix cause it will end in divorce. They also fear that I will lose my culture and my children will have identity crises (they are a BIT behind the times). They told me that if I marry this man, that they will disown me and not come to my wedding and not be a part of my life. I love my parents dearly, but I cannot leave someone for my parents. They haven't even met him to know if he is wrong for me! My boyfriend has been EXTREMELY understanding through all of this- but I feel so guilty for putting him through this. And I also hate hurting my parents. My gut feeling tells me to marry this man- because he is everything and more that I want in man. My brain is telling me that you can find another bf- but not another family.

Anyone have any helpful advice? Thank you in advance

[moimeme]

Is there any chance that this strong European background also includes a religious component? If so, is there any possibility that a clergyman can be asked to intervene (assuming said clergyman doesn't hold identical beliefs, of course). How about a senior member of the family who has less stringent views (if there are any)?

My gut feeling tells me to marry this man- because he is everything and more that I want in man. My brain is telling me that you can find another bf- but not another family.

Listen to your gut. You cannot constrain your life because of others' views, even if they are your parents. The chances are that they may come around one day; often when the grandchildren are born, all is forgiven.

The parents' job is to develop the child into a fully functional, independent adult. Some parents forget that part of their role is supposed to end when the child reaches adulthood. You will regret losing this man for the rest of your days and come to resent your parents should you abandon him to bend to their wishes. Yes, another man may come along - but then again he may not. I know a lot of people who are still looking for their second chances.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Ouch. Very painful and difficult.

My gut feeling tells me to marry this man- because he is everything and more that I want in a man.

Yup, you folks pass the "love, not infatuation" test.

My brain is telling me that you can find another bf- but not another family.

Well, there ARE lots of men out there. But this one is special to you. I don't agree that "birth family" should always trump "fiance".

If I were you, I would work and suffer a lot to make the dream of this marriage come true. I understand how strict your parents are. Are there any cracks in this? Any aunts, cousins, grandma, respected friend, anyone who may have a slightly different opinion who could get their ear? Have you told your parents about your love and really gotten a reaction? What exactly don't they like?

I have seen very conservative, previously bigoted relatives come around and reconcile to and EMBRACE gays, blacks, and Koreans just based on knowledge and familiarity, once they joined the family or the church. If your man is the sterling character you describe, would not acquaintance with him begin to soften them?

What does "disowning" mean? Are we talking financial or emotional?

What does your boyfriend say? How does HIS family feel? (Worst case, they might be the only family you would have left.) How will he feel knowing that he might be the unwilling and innocent catalyst for a break between you and your parents? That could be a burden on both of you.

In some/many cases, parents take a hard line until the first grandchild is born, and then they relent for the sake of having the young one in their life. Does this seem likely or possible?

Have you taken a good look at your man and made sure that there is no extra gleam on him because of parental disapproval? (Just throwing that in to cover all bases - I don't consider it likely in your case.)

One final thought: if you let this man go from you because of your parents' reaction (or your FEAR of your parents' reaction), you will resent them greatly, possibly for life (like unfortunate Princess Margaret), depending on whether you eventually marry and whom you choose.

I have a similar background, although my parents didn't care who I married as long as he was nice. Many of my friends, however, either weren't so lucky, or were just as staunchly into the Old World culture as their folks were and wouldn't dream of marrying outside of it. They went to special Saturday schools to study the language, they went to youth camps, clubs, etc, all to do with the culture.

In any event, even after all that, some of these women did end up meeting guys who were (gasp!) plain old Americans without roots in Europe. To make it work, I know in several cases the guy ended up learning their language and some of the broader aspects of the culture before being introduced to mama and papa. It just would not have been accepted otherwise.

This may sound crazy, but how about if your guy goes to Berlitz and takes a crash course in your family's language? (I am just assuming you speak your parents' language at home - ignore this post if that's not the case). Let him study for three months, then introduce him and let him wow them. Heck, if he already speaks Spanish he'll have an easier time of picking up an additional language. Just by showing that the guy is interested in your culture and has made the effort to learn about it is often enough to melt the coldest heart. It's been known to work!

As a last resort, you might casually bring home My Big Fat Greek Wedding and pop it in the VCR.

[quankanne]

As a last resort, you might casually bring home My Big Fat Greek Wedding and pop it in the VCR.

I was just going to recommend that, too! The amazing thing about this movie is that you can plug in your own ethnic background, and it still makes sense/hold true.

if you're the first person in your family breaking out of the mold by dating someone not of the same ethnic background, it's going to be a struggle. But, if you've got a good man, you've got a very good start, because I think what it boils down to, once you get past all the bullsh*t of "you can't be with him, he's not ----------," you'll find that your parents' main concern is whether or not this person is going to be good to the child they love.

Is he going to treat you with respect? is he going to treat them with respect? Will he love you the way they love you? will he stand by you in hard times? does he have the same values as you? I think a lot of times, people will play the race card simply because they are afraid of the unknown. They'll say that you need to stick with your own kind because at least it's a "known" factor. In your boyfriend's defense, you can tell them that Hispanics are traditionally very family oriented and have a strong work ethic.

You must be feeling like you're being pulled in a thousand different directions by the people you love. But ask yourself this: do you trust this man enough to want to invest the rest of your life with him, to go through having babies and going into debt with all the trappings that come with having a home and family of your own? Of all the "stuff" that comes with being married? Do you feel that you can willingly commit to making him your new family, because that's what is going to happen. When you marry him, he's going to be your family for the rest of your life. Taken from that perspective, it might make it less about having to chose between him and them, and more about making sure that this is the life partner you want.

if the answer is yes, he's the one you want to grow old with, then your family will come around. maybe not as quickly as you like, but they will, especially if there are kids involved ...

good luck1

Thanks guys for all your posts. You've all really helped a lot. To reply to some of your questions, his family lives on the other side of the country so I have only met them about 4 times. They're very warm and welcoming, but they do not know the extent of the situation. They know my parents want me to marry someone of the same culture, but they don't know how crazy they really are about it.

My boyfriend has been very understanding through it all- and even after all of the... whats the right word.... "rejection" from my family... he is still so very interested in my culture and is looking into taking classes to learn the language (he has even gone to visit the motherland a year ago with a few of his friends so that he could better understand my culture). We've even talked about him converting to my religion (he doesn't really have a religion of his own, so he is very interested in learning all about it). Also, please dont think that I am trying to make him into what I am- because I dont want that either. Just as he is interested in my culture, I am interested in his. And if we were to have kids, I would want them to be raised with equal connections to both cultures (I at least hope, if that is possible).

The truly sad part is that I know my family would adore him if he had that one extra credential of being from my background. And also, someone in the above posts mentioned that maybe he's more attractive to me cause my parents don't like him- but I can honestly say it has absolutely nothing to do with it. I fell in love with him when I was away at school, and was completely delusional in thinking my family would accept him. So no I dont think that plays a part because I actually believed that they would be happy about him. (little did I know... )

By disowning, my parents mean cut off all emotional and financial ties- as in cut communication all together (which i cannot even fathom). I am extremely close with both my parents, even moreso than any of my other siblings. When times were hard (about four years ago)- I came home to help with the business and take care of my mom and dad. I am in no way implying that my parents owe me for any of this- I'm just saying it hurts pretty badly when they know how much I care about them and they try to use it against me to make me feel guilty for not marrying a guy of their choice.

Unfortuantely, my siblings and cousins are all about marrying someone of the same culture, so it really does make me the oddball out. I have one distant cousin who married an "American" and they ended up getting divorced (her husband had some psychological problems that couldn't be worked out). That only added to my parents' argument that people of the same background should stay together.


You all really are right. I could never leave someone for my parents. The threat of regret is too large. It doesn't mean that there won't be troubles down the road for the two of us, but for some reason, I'm just not as scared anymore.

THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP

[rainbow]

not only should you follow your heart, but keep in mind that they won't be around forever. There will be a time in all of our lives that unfortunately these wonderful people who loved and raised us will pass on. Then the other half or more of our lives will be without them. It is a thought that scares me.

But to think that while they are here they would want to control my happiness for their own selfish reasons I can not even fathom. I feel bad for you in that situation.

One comparison I have for you is my mother left my father and fell in love and moved in with another man. She got a divorce and lived in guilt from my father and siblings for 5 years. she came back to my father and remarried him. She is not very happy and lost her love forever and regrets it. I can not stand to see her pain.

Do whatever makes you happy in this life. It is your life.

Good luck

[Candygirl925]

Another quick thought....your parents may eventually come around when they realize you're going to marry him anyway! Really...my mom was like that too until she realized her views on "mixed" relationships weren't going to stop me from dating whoever I wanted to. If SHE can change, anyone can!

[Thinkalot]

I can sympathise, as I am very close to my mum and she and my boyfriend had a big falling out, quite early in my relationship. Mum did not handle it well, and I felt torn..by choosing him, it was as though I was rejecting her.

Fear of change, fear of loss and fear of rejection can make even the best parents act in all kinds of manners...and not usually good ways. They can try and control their "kids" even though we are now adults!

Anyway, the good news is, eventually my Mum came around. I chose to stay with my bf, despite the pain it caused me with Mum, and after a while, Mum made peace with him and they are now friends. I hope your parents can grow and change also. They probably don't want to lose you in their lives either, but they are scared and trying to control you by threatening to walk away.

Remember, you may not find another man like the one you've got.

[Melinda]

To tell you the truth, at this exact point in time, if i was to choose my bf over my parents i would! I love my bf to death. He makes me laugh all the time he is so funny! My parents have done their job, raised me the best they could, and now i've set off into the world on my own...they have been in the background ever since...they don't really call me or control my life...but if they were to start, i'd definately stay down here with my bf, who has a great family, they treat me like one of their own, so if worst came to worst, i'd just be in even less contact with my parents...

Anyway if he's your everything go for it...afterall only you know what's best for YOU...

I tried to reply yesterday, but I don't know if anyone read my posting. THis situation is like mine. My parents would not even want to meet my BF who is HIspanic. I too am of European descent, very strict controlling parents. I kept it a secret for a while then decided to stand up for myself and ended up being assaulted by my parents(slaps and grabbed by the neck) yelled at, threatened that if I don't break up they will throw me out, and that if I marry him they will cut all financial and emotional ties with me forever. They even said they will put our house up for sale by June so they could move back to Europe and leave me here. I don't know if these are just threats but they are crazy. BTW I told them four days ago about my bf and I have been going through hell. I am so depressed that I missed two days of work. Please help!! I would love to speak to the GUEST who wrote about her situation with her bf. I need a buddy who has the same experiences. If anyone has her e-mail I would like to have it.

[Melinda]

Although if they truly feel that strongly about things...I mean did they even get to know him or are they judging him because he's Hispanic? If this is the case I'd say do what makes you happy, it's nice to have family around, but not essential. I'm sure his family will welcome you and make you a part of their own.

Goodluck.

PS If that was me, I'd choose my boyfriend!

Hey Melinda, thanks for replying. They hate him because he is Latin American. They say that those people are the scum of the earth, they cheat on theri spouses, sell drugs, have a bac stigma in soceity etc. He is caring, ambitious, religious, respectful, and makes me feel so good about myself. Unfortunately he is afraid I will break his heart because he knows how Greek parents are. I try to reassure him that I won't. Anyway I feel depressed that my parents are going psycho on me to the point of saying they will sell our house and move back to Europe cuz I'm dating him.
Two days ago, I told them that i broke up with him, so I can have my peace. Of course I haven't but it is the only way I can somehow sneak out to see him. Yesterday my father followed me to the gym (I'm 24 for pete's sake!) to spy on me. I don't know what else to do. Talking to them nicely does not work,neither does arguing or anything. They are just nuts! and they are driving me nuts too! my mom even wants me to stop talking ot my friends cuz they are dating non-greek guys and she says they influence me to do the same. As if I don't have a mind of my own!! She's like "were you that desperate to go out with a hispanic man?" "why didn't you just hook up with so and so (who may be a loser but is at least greek)!
thanks again

[Melinda]

Do what makes YOU happy, when they're gone (ie dead) who is going to be around to please YOU? Live your own life now, they raised you, and they should be proud of you no matter what. If you know he's the one for you, look after him, and both of your interests, not your parents. They just want control but you're going to have to prove to them they can't choose who you marry. Go for it pal!

[moimeme]

Is there a priest or some other influential member of the community that you could speak to who might help you? If not, what about a family member that is not as stringent as your parents are?
This sounds frivolous, but what about watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding with them?