[ConfusedNAZ]

Help I am so confused, I have been married for 17 years and I found out my husband has been calling a woman at his work.

He says he only called her once and doesn't know why he did in the first place, she left him a pretty nice message on his cell phone.

When I confronted him about it he said it was only the phone call nothing else, but immediately changed the pin number on his phone and continues to hide his cell phone when he is home.

I asked him why he does this if it is nothing and he says not to upset me anymore in the chance that she were to call again.

He says he hasn't seen her in passing since this happened to tell her not to call anymore and that he will not lose his family for her.

Please help...I love him and what we had was great at one time, I just don't know who to move on from here, if I should believe him or not.

ConfusedNAZ

[ArdeaCandidissima]

It's clear that he has been up to SOMETHING he doesn't want you to know about. As to what exactly, I'm not sure.

The statements "one phone call only" and "don't want to lose my family" don't exactly seem consistent.

I would suggest seeing a counselor and the three of you working frankly on the issues. One seems to be lack of trustworthiness, and hence trust. Probably there is lack of closeness as well?

[Lanapalace]

I have been married to my husband almost 10 years and have suspected him of cheating for years. I am about to give you some advice that seems so obvious when I read your post - and then I am going to take my own advice and do the same.

My husband does the same thing! He has a secret pin number on his telephone and e-mail address and a combination code on his brief case. If they want us to believe they are not doing anything wrong, they're lying. Maybe your husband did not have an affair. But you have a valid reason to suspect that, and as his wife, you have the right to reassurance that he is not. As such, he needs to let you have the pin number and not keep any secrets from you. Unfortunately, obviously if he was getting more calls from her and he tells you the pin #, he will also tell her not to call him on that phone.

In my mind, immediately changing the pin # implies guilt of some sort.

I know you must be very sad and upset about what is going on. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

If you smell a rat and have already "seen" a rat,there probably is one.Remember a woman always knows.

[shortty10]

Trust your instinct. My husband did the same thing. I found out about all these calls to his best friends wife, we had a huge arguement over it he promised there would be no phone calls, and if they were innocent phone calls (like to talk to her hubby) he would not hide them from me. Well I had a friend who was monitoring his calls through his cell phone company, no sooner did he leave our driveway the morning after the arguement and he was calling her cell phone. When I confronted him he deinied it until I showed him the proof. He then said he had to give her the "heads up" well if there wasn't anything going on why the "heads up". Go with your gut I have learned it is usually right in these situation.

[bark]

Speaking as a husband who has had an affair, I am all but certain that your husband is having an affair with this woman at work or is on the verge of having an affair.

The secretive "double life" signs are there: her cell phone message, his hanging the PIN number and hiding the cell phone. There are other things he could do: have the cell phone bills and credit card statements mailed to his office. These are usually very incriminating documents.

Other signs of an affair are: he works more hours, his wardrobe improves, he exercises and diets more. Also, if his sexual patterns change--he becomes more or less interested in sex with you.

If the affair hasn't started yet, you might be able to nip it in the bud. On the other hand, if it has just started or is in full flourish, fasten your seat belts because you, your family and your marriage are in for a very, very rough ride.

Good luck.

[lostforwords]

Other signs of an affair are: he works more hours, his wardrobe improves, he exercises and diets more. Also, if his sexual patterns change--he becomes more or less interested in sex with you.

wow bark..... when i read that part suddenly a past relationship came to mind and all these signs were apparent..... and i knew they were.... however i chose to ignore them..... i was in complete denial of it..... needless to say the relationship is done and over with..... its wierd how people dont want to face the truth.

[bark]

I know, lost. We could do an entire thread about the signs of an affair. It would be very practical and useful for the betrayed spouse. Maybe another time.

[lostforwords]

ya know the more i think about it the more things come to mind as in im pretty damn sure as in almost positive she called our house 2 times saying he joined some singles dating group on the internet and she was just confirming his account..... ofcourse i was stupid and asked him if he did with her on the phone and he said no with a puzzled look on his face..... why would they call to confirm an account off the NET???? LMFAO!!!!!!! OMG... too damn funny..... ladies if it almost seems too good to be true.... it most damn near is.... lol and guys too.... dont want no gender bashing.... damn good thing its been over with a few years now <giggling>

[bark]

lost, why was your bf/husband joining a singles dating group on the net? Wasn't that, if true, a tip-off that something was rotten in Denmark?

[lostforwords]

lol exactly but like i said i fell for his line of "No" lol and the puzzled look on his face...... i was pretty much in denial of everything..... trust me it set off red flags at the time as i remember myself thinking gees she called here 2 times but OBVIOUSLY it was an error on her part.... bark... why would an internet dating service CALL to just confirm an account in the first place.... my understanding NOW is they dont call at all..... hence why i sit here and realize how much denial i was in at that time...... and times when i would confront him.... he would act like i was crazy and the whole nine yards.... the one time when it kind of sank in that he was looking or possibly screwing around, i was absolutely devastated but i still didnt leave..... i finally left a few months later when i realized what kind of person i was turning into..... it was very very scary for me. i just chose to not see the signs when i should have. man they were right in front of my facve.

[bark]

My wife found out early in my affair. A hotel receipt was mailed to our house. She didn't say much and my affair continued for 2 more years. I didn't deny the affair when she asked me, but I didn't volunteer any information. In effect, she rode out the affair. Some spouses can do that, some can't or won't.

How spouses differ in their behavior once they learn of the affair is a separate thread.

[Iamhappy]

We could do an entire thread about the signs of an affair.

Oh, Bark, please, could you?

I think it would really help out a lot of people. I know it would have helped me out. I was clueless. I didn't know he was cheating on me until I caught him with her. Chalk it up to inexperience, naivete and blind trust on my part. This guy was my first everything (but I was not his first) and I had complete trust in him. I thought I knew him after being with him for 7 years. I was always honest and open with him and believed he reciprocated these thoughts and feelings in kind. I was wrong. So gosh darn wrong.

If I knew then what I know now, I'd have saved myself all this heartache.

By the way, when I caught them, he had the nerve to be angry with me because as he put it, "She's probably never going to want to see me again because of you."

Then he told me that the reason he didn't tell me about her was because he didn't want to hurt me. He was trying to protect me. I actually believed this for about two seconds. When I called him a liar, he turned things around and made me feel like it was my fault he cheated. It was my fault he couldn't be honest with me about his cheating.

I should have known better. This coming from a guy who would tell me that everyday he was with me he died inside. What a jerk.

[lostforwords]

its funny how people can rationalize through their denial of it when they have the signs... back then when i would talk to close friends about the signs etc..... i mean they would tell me straight out what they thought he was doing..... and i would still say no.... hed never do that..... i think its just a phase..... its funny as well cuz it came to the point where i had even asked him if he still loved me... his reply was sometimes i do but sometimes i dont.... he had even given me examples of when he didnt..... i was dumbfounded and tried oh so hard to make sure i didnt act like that...... rather sickening when i think about it now.... the hell we put eachother through.... omg how much a person changes through out life.... i have ALWAYS considered myself a strong person.... but the day i left i felt like i was the most weakest person you could ever imagine... i just think back and try NOT to miss the signs or make the same mistakes..... ah what love does to a person.... but every relationship i have ever been in since that particular one, i have always ended it before it gets any further then the next step (commitment) or i never totally give myself to that person...... im always waiting for the floor to drop.... sad isnt it.... strangely enough im aware that i have this pattern but yet at this point im OK with it.... Help me Doctor Phil lmao

[bark]

when I caught them, he had the nerve to be angry with me because as he put it, "She's probably never going to want to see me again because of you."

lost, I thought I've heard it all. I can't believe that guy's gall. That is an unbelievably harsh and nasty thing to say.

I'm no angel, but I never blamed my wife for my affair or said anything remotely that nasty. I feel for you, woman.

The fact is the relative lack of attractiveness or appeal of wives is irrelevant as to why most men cheat. It's because the other woman and sex are new that's the draw. No betrayed spouse, absent extraordinarily unusual circumstances, should ever, ever blame herself for her husband's betrayal.

I'll probably start a thread this evening--after work.