[TheFaithfulWife]

I wrote before about my husband having had an affair and how it has affected me. I am not willing to totally forgive and forget at this point in time( it has only been 11 months)
I am being pressured by our marriage counselor to do EMDR treatment, it is a treatment involving closing your eyes and being brought back to the moments that brought deep pain. It helps you view and feel these moments with detachment thereby supposedly helping remove the hurt.

I am not feeling like I am at the point where I want to give up the hurt I am still feeling just yet. I don't want to go on with my life and just feel nothing when I remember all that has happened this past year.
I feel that my husband and the counselor are rushing me and that both want to just pretend that the affair never happened. Every time I bring up anything about the other woman I am told that we have already discussed the subject and that I should have resolved my conflict by now.

I can tell you truthfully that I am far from resolving my feelings about the other woman, I never got the chance to get in her face, like I did my husband, and tell her what I think about her.

Am I being a witch about this? I still have this overwhelming desire to take her down a couple notches. I will have to see her on some occasion because she is involved in a scouting group that sometimes crosses paths with ours.
Should I get in her face when I find her alone? or should I just do the EMDR and just get past it all?
I need some quick advice as I have counseling Thursday.
Thanks
TFW

I think that you need to see a counselor of your own to help you deal with your issues, which are clearly still unresolved. I don't see any way EMDR or any other "marriage" therapy is going to work igiven your current emotional state.

I am not feeling like I am at the point where I want to give up the hurt

One question for you to ponder is why you want to hang on to the hurt. What are you gaining by this? Do you feel that by still being hurt you have leverage over your husband? Do you actually want to repair your marriage or are you wanting to punish your husband? This is the sort of thing I imagine a counselor will address with you.

[moimeme]

EMDR is generally used for trauma recovery. It sounds as though your therapist feels your reactions indicate a trauma response.

You say you want to hold on to the hurt - why ever for? You do realize that it is eating you up internally, right? You do realize that this is wreaking havoc on your physical health, right? You say it has 'only' been 11 months - that is actually quite a while. It appears that your therapist and husband both feel you are 'stuck'.

Frankly, it appears to me that you are in a very unhealthy state in that you want to wallow in your hurt and anger and to wait until you can get 'in her face'. No good can come from this. If you still need to purge feelings toward her, write her very long, very nasty letter. Put it in an envelope, seal it, and then go burn it someplace safe and with it, allow your anger to burn away. You owe it to yourself above all to heal and move on before you do damage to your phsical health; anger is a toxic emotion. Don't let it stay in your system any longer.

[Clancy]

Eleven months really isn't a long time and the pain of infidelity can last much, much longer. Even ten years is not unrealistic. I understand not wanting to give up the hurt. Giving up the hurt means you forgive and it's easy for other people to say forgive but not always easy to do so. People become possessive about their hurt, their pain, and their refusal to forgive. It gives a sense of power where one feels that one's former power, their "stability" has been ripped away from them.

In my opinion it's bullsh*t for you counsellor to suggest to you that you should have resolved this conflict by now. No, it's not healthy to maintain a searing anger and hurt inside your heart and soul but it is human. I have no knowledge of this process your counsellor wishes you to undergo but I wouldn't do it if you feel like you are being pushed into it. I sincerely hope that you do soon come to a resolution of the hurt and anger you feel and I hope you continue to seek out other avenues to learn how to do this. Good luck.

[brashgal]

wow, what is it with Scout troops anyway? This is the second post I've read tonight and this is where my ex-h found one of his lovers. I'm beginning to feel that it should remain an all-male bastian - no girls allowed unless they are accompanied by their husbands. You'd think having the kids around would be a deterrent. Some people have no sense of propriety.

Speaking from experience, you could get in her face but what would you gain? At some point you would realize that she certainly did not care about you or she wouldn't have had an affair with your husband. She may even become confrontational (as one of the OW's I confronted became - thank God we were just speaking on the phone). She doesn't owe you anything. You will come off as insecure at best, raving lunatic at worst. All I felt was regret, not vindication.

I think writing the letter is an excellent idea. Although I have not written letters to the OW, I have written letters to my ex (but not given them to him) - it is very cathartic.

You will never forget but you do need to let go of the pain and the anger. Thinking positive thoughts for your move to the road to recovery.

[otherwomen]

I have had 4 EMDR Treatments so far!

You would not believe the improvement in me.
It's weird.
I feel so different now.

I would recommend EMDR to anyone who cannot get over something, you don't have to have trauma in your life to do this.


It saved my life.