Delia -- A bit of background to answer your question. I moved out on November 1. On Halloween, I was at a party and met a woman I'd known socially for years. One thing led to another, and we wound up back at her place. However, I begged off -- TBXW and I made an agreement when we decided to separate that neither of us would date or sleep with anybody else while we were still under the same roof. I had one more day to go, so I asked this woman if we could delay till the following evening (first night in my new place). She was OK with that, sparks flew that next evening, and I got to leave the marital home knowing that I'd kept my word and behaved honourably right up to the end.
Anyway, I specifically told this woman that I didn't want a relationship, which was true... it was too soon, obviously, and in any case I didn't want one with her particularly. Neither did she. It basically turned into a few weeks of sex and hanging out together. That was pretty transparently a rebound, and I recognized it as such while I was in the midst of it. To some degree, it was a bit of a f*ck-you to TBXW -- "you had a bunch of affairs during the marriage, so look at me... first night in my own place and I get laid."
So, the point is, I knew the fling with her was a rebound from the start, but we were both OK with that. There was no commitment, and no expectation of anything long-term, serious or exclusive.
With the woman I'm seeing now, we're taking it pretty slow, physically. We've seen each other every day since Christmas, but haven't slept together. I guess I figure that, if it was a rebound, I wouldn't be investing this much time and effort into it. Also, I actually have feelings for this girl.
I am in the same boat except I have the the kids and my husband filed for divorce and he is taking his sweet time....I have been dating m boyfriend for about six months now alot of it being long distance (military), but we have a lot in common and even if we were not dating we would be friends.....now, my soon to be ex husband filed for divorce in July and shortly after that is when I started dating...a whole year and a half later AFTER we separated! So I learned that in life there is a lot of gray areas...i have no intentions on being back with my husband (he would fight me when i was pregnant!) and he had a girlfriend four months before we even broke up....why didn't i file for divorce? Because I am POOR and I have to Rob Peter to pay Paul (100.00 dollars left every month, thats it!) so to speak just to live everyday with two toddlers until I finish college.....so I met this man that is a whole lot like me...he isn't smothering and he lets me have my freedom and we actually talked alot about that seeing that we are both separated.....now, for him with divorce, i don't know and i really don't care.....I like where things are right now and I have no intentions on taking it any further than dating just like we are now.....so just know what you are getting into and know what you want.....and you will do just fine!
Thanks for the feedback. We are committed t each other and we are not seeing anyone else. He said he's not going anywhere. I know I like him very much but I do not know what I want long term as of yet. I asked him why he didn't want to date around and he said that was never his style and he likes being in a relationship.
I am concerned how he will feel once he signs the papers though. Not that he's still in love with his wife but that he be confused over the finalization of it all. I do not know the time line on the divorce. He said that since everything was ironed out for the legal separation papers filed in Jan of 2003 that all they have to do is refile the agreement as a divorce. Since it is uncontested I would think that once they pay it takes 30 day to become final but I really have no idea. Can anyone help with this? I don't feel comfortable asking but if I know when this is coming I can brace myself for what may be to come.
So when you are out with the new girlfriend or boyfriend do you mention the ex? I went to dinner with a couple that knew both of them as a married couple and they kept mentioning her...Do you do this cause she an instructor..or have you met her? Then even directed to my boyfriend..did you know your ex did this it was so funny.
Isn't that inappropriate? I don't think it was intentional. And now tonight he mentioned a story about her and said did I tell you about that?... I said no and changed the subject.
At dinner he said to the couple enough and apologized in the car. Now tonight he brings up a story about her himself.
What does all this mean? Am I crazy? My friends didn't bring up old boyfriends when he was out to dinner with them. Wasn't the purpose of me going to dinner with them so they could get to know me?
I think what's going on is that you're man is sharing with you his feelings about the divorce and sometimes the way they do that is by diggin up old stories about their ex. Yeah, I know, it's the last thing you want to hear, but with you deciding to be a part of this, it comes with the territory.
Divorce is the death of a relationship. When mourning a death, alot of people talk about the person who died, and the experiences they shared, to better help them cope with their loss. I think it's kind of similar here. I know you want him to get over it, but it's all on his own time.
I commend your guy for sharing with you. It means he's honest about his feelings and feels comfortable opening up to you know you'll understand and will be supportive. I, myself, am in a relationship with a divorcee and have to deal with that all the time. But at the end of the day, if he wanted to be with her, he would be and not with you!
Keep your head up. I have the same thing happen to me and I feel just how you are, but then have to look at the positive to shed that negative.
That's funny because in my book...it's four years.
IT's just based on personal experience.
I dated a seperated guy and a divorced guy. In each instance, they were just completely messed up over the marriages not working out. The seperated guy (I'll call him Tom) had been married 15 years and one day she just came home and announced she was leaving.
When I met him, they were still not legally divorced, but in the process of doing so.
During the first part of the seperation (which was about 2 years) he'd dated one woman. They had a pretty serious relationship, even lived together, but when it came down to getting engaged he knew he wasn't ready and ended it.
When he met me, he'd been seperated about 3 years. We had a wonderful time together for about 6 months before he had an emotional meltdown and backed away.
I talked to him about a year later and he said he couldn't believe how messed up he'd been through those four years of seperation and divorce. "It just changes how you interact with people,"
The divorced guy I dated also acted very flaky. By the time he realized we had a good thing, I'd moved on. You know, that was also right around the four-year mark of seperating from his ex.
One of my best friends is a guy. For the first 3-4 years after his marriage ended, he just slept with everyone and everyboyd. Everytime a woman really liked him he'd find a way to f*** it up. Since we are platonic friends he told me everything from the guy perspective.
He said women don't often realize how devastated men are when their marriages fail. Men are supposed to hold it all in.
So that's just my input. I'd be very wary of a guy who is recently seperated or divorced if what you seek is a permanent relationship.
Those without fault should toss the first stone.....I love that quote......kind of reminds me of what you are all saying here....you want to judge someone for what they do in life but are you living her/his life are you feeling what they feel in the situation.....I don't think anyone has the right to judge.....If he/she wants to date while in separation.....let it be....not your life....not your feelings....and definatly not your concern
That may seem abit harsh but you know if people would spend more time trying to fix there lives instead of medaling in others this world would bea better place
Here is something else that I feel is pretty funny. Maybe this should go on the christain board. Christains who want to judge someone who dates right after a separation when in fact they separated becasue someone cheated ......but in God's eyes ....that marriage is no more....but christains who are of God want to judge becuase that person isnt living according to Man's rules. God's rule I guess doesnt matter.
Trust your heart. I don't go by rules.. anyone who tells you you shouldn't do this or that should go stand in front of a mirror for a while. It's good to get others' perspectives but live your life for you. I must tell you this though. I believe a man who wants a woman to meet his young daughter has plans for her in his life. I hope things work out well.
As for women "going back" to their hubbies after they find out he has a girlfriend, well.. you know how some of us women are. We don't want him until someone else does. Confusion and low self-esteem are contributors.
In my opinion: How a person treats you from Day One is how they'll always treat you -- good or bad.
Please live YOUR life. I think you have a good thing going!
Quote:
Originally Posted by delia88
Hi everyone,
I didn't know so many of you had responded until now. I've only been dating this man for two months now. I figured I should ask questions now. But, as someone mentioned I can't ask if he loves me and wants to marry me because that's not even remotely where we are.
The wife has been unhappy since day one. First she wanted him to change careers, he did then she kept wanting him to change other things and he did but she still wasn't happy. She went for therapy and still wasn't happy so then they both went together. During therapy communication got better so they started having sex again and their daughter was conceived. They were still going to therapy after the birth which was an accident. In the end she said she felt pressured to get married by her parents because they were living together. She knew she did not want to get married because she did not have "the feelings she was supposed to have" for him but thought they would grow after the marriage but she said they never did. He was devestated but tried to keep the family together for three years. She wanted to date other people while they lived toghether and he said forget it. They live seperately and have joint custody. SHe pays for the house and her bills by herself but she's getting certified to be a personal trainer in the mean time she works at various health clubs. SHe couldn't afford health insurance on her own unitl she is full time at one health club so they went for a separation agreement that outlines property, finance and custody. When she is on her feet they just refile for the divorce since everything has been settled.
As far as dating she is dating a couple of guys which she brings around her daughter. He dosen't feel that right but he wanted me to meet her. So after some research I did on the subject and aftrer reading the first two responses I got from you guys, we decided that I will meet her at a sporting event that there is always a big group of men and women who go together.
I asked him if this was a trial seperation. He said no it was not. That at first he was devestated to know she never loved him but he looks at it now as he has a beautiful daughter out of it and to move on. He said he does not have sex with her and has not for some time. They see each other every month to go over the next month's calendar for visitation whcih they are required to do for the separation agreement other wise they see each other for drop offs and pick ups.
Yet, all of this is what he tells me and his perspective on it. Since she is the one who wanted out I cannot predict what he would do if she suddenly wanted him back. It is a possibility. We are not in love.
I'm not sure how far I should take this. Or what I should ask moving forward.
Thank you so much for your responses I did not know that they were there until today. Any other thoughts on what I should ask moving forward would be appreciated.
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Dating the t/b divorced man
EXW t/b mentioned in front of me
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