[cryineyes78]

Hello~ I have to start my question with a little bit of history. I am 25 years old and have been married since just before my 17th birthday. I got pregnant you see and my parents decided for us that it would be best if we got married right away. Within a week of finding out I was pregnant my husband and I were married in our county's court. Every since the day we said I do we have had a multitude of problems. Now nine years later I can't take it any more, but I cannot leave.

We have both cheated multiple times, honestly, me more than him, but we are still together. The both of us have stayed for various reasons, but somehow neither of us leaves. I did leave him a little over three years ago for about 9 months, however, one night we got together and I wound up with two blue lines on a pregnancy stick 3 months later. We made the decision to try to work it out. Throughout these past 3 years I have wanted so badly to leave, but financially it is best for my kids to stay. He does very well with his company and I feel like my kids deserve the best. But our problems are still there.

We have horrible communication, but the worst of it is our sex life. Basically it sucks. We haven't slept in the same bed for about 4 years. I hate it cuz I spend the whole night fighting him off me and have woken up numerous times with him inside me. (even when I said no sex before we went to sleep). I HATE kissing him. I cringe when he touches me. It makes my skin crawl. When we do have sex I only have sex with him because I have to. It's basically a hurry up and get it over with situation and he usually doesn't get it more than once a week. I just have no attraction to him and have not climaxed with him since before I got pregnant the last time...going on 3 years. However, I have cheated since then and it is not like that with the other guy. He, as you can imagine, is very hurt by my lack of interest and it is cause for many arguments and mean words.

Yet, I wish that I could be attracted to him. I wish there were sparks and that I could have desire for him. I really in my heart would like to stay with my husband and raise the family we created, but our sex life is a big hindurance. I don't know how to make myself desire him and want him sexually. I am so frustrated. I have tried to let go and give him oppurtunities to make it better for me, but it doesn't work. I don't want to cheat, but after so long I can't take it anymore and say screw it and do it. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Throughout these past 3 years I have wanted so badly to leave, but financially it is best for my kids to stay. He does very well with his company and I feel like my kids deserve the best. But our problems are still there.

Is it best for the children to stay because of the money, or are you staying because you have become financially dependent on your husbands paycheck as well?

I think if the two of you are really that miserable, then its not impossible to reach some compromise. It may mean that you will have to become financially responsible for yourself so that you can move out and be on your own, while allowing your husband to become the primary care giver.

If the children are really your concern, you'll do what's best for them and not turn them into objects of barter, or continue to teach them by example that its okay to lie, deceive and cheat when you are in an unhappy relationship.

And how do the two of you find time for having affairs? Who is taking care of the children while your time is spent elsewhere??

[cryineyes78]

I would say both, as far as being financially dependent. I am finishing up college right now and should graduate in June. I will be able to work then. However, I don't want my kids to suffer cuz we can't work things out. I would like to get it together for the kids, not just for money, but the financial dependence has kept me here in times I really have wanted to go.

I could not ever leave my children with him. I am my children's whole entire world and have been their whole lives. My husband nor I would never use our children as bartering tools. As far as teaching them to lie or cheat, I agree. I don't want them to know that. I want them to know what a loving marriage is.

As far as time to cheat. It's actually easy for him. He works a lot and is able to say he is working. I have school and such, at which time he is with them. They also spend time with their grandparents every now and then. Our "affairs" are very short lived, except once he had carried out an affair for a while, which is why I left before. The times that I have cheated have been one or two encounters with men I have met and known through school or friends of mine. This has happened a few times since we married. As you said, I do not have time for an affair. The only thing I get when I cheat is sexual gratification. So, to put the question to rest, I take care of my children and am with them daily. It is not a situation where my children are neglected and I am running around regularly sleeping with other people. I apologize if I made it seem that way.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Have you researched the articles on this site yet? I think the information you will find there will be much more helpful than opinions and advice. Must continue to give credit for Moimeme for posting it.

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Meanwhile, it is always best to work on rational solutions to our problems rather than being distracted by short-term fantasy escapes. As long as you remain in perpetual limbo (one foot in the marriage and one foot out), you will never be able to make a decision about the rest of your life one way or another.

Don’t be afraid to take charge of your life and become the change you want to see in yourself. If you can’t work together to make this relationship work, then focus your time and energy in doing what you need to do so that you can bail out eventually and land safely.

PS... Meanwhile, don't forget to *thank* your husband if he's helped to pay for that college education!