He's abusive, I'm scared.

April 26, 2011

First, let me say that I am a police officer and I know just how bad abusive relationships are and can be. So I don't need to be told a whole lot of "get out!", etc. I know what I should do... its a matter of being strong enough in my personal life to do it. On the street is one thing... at home its like he controls me emotionally.

I am a very weak person when it comes to being alone. I love alone time as long as I know there is someone who loves me... aka a steady relationship. I know this is one of my weaknesses and I know that being alone would serve me well.

I have been with this man for almost 3 years. We are supposed to get married in September. We have already seen one planned wedding come and go due to his abuse toward me ... emotional, verbal, physical. Now, the physical abuse is no longer displayed toward me. Instead, he beats the dog without remorse when the dog misbehaves. It is his dog so I cannot demand he stop, and he will not listen to reason -- that dogs don't have morality and don't know right from wrong, they only know what gets favorable results and what doesn't. He still has outbursts toward me with name calling. Its much better than it was but I still live with the fear that he will one day become worse again. I am not certain about this marriage and I am definitely not comfortable having children with him. He has a son and I've witnessed him verbally/emotionally abuse him, and then explain why he did it as if he were justified.

Let me say that this man is not a monster. He was abused terribly as a child. I wouldn't wish what happened to him on my worst enemy. Still, it was not my fault and I do not deserve to be treated poorly for even a second. His reasons for his angry outbursts are no excuse -- he should still be able and willing to control his tongue. Its not that damn hard.

When we began, it felt like we were meant to be together. Everything was perfect. It wasn't until he was moved in and we were sexually active that things went downhill. I remember the first time I saw him enraged, it wasn't even directed to me. He was trying to get us to a restaurant that he was so excited to show me, but his GPS wasn't showing him how to get there properly so he punched it... hard.. and nearly broke it. I was terrified because I had just gotten out of a relationship with a man who was very often angry. But he never showed anger how my fiance has and sometimes still does. They aren't even in the same ballpark.

Its hard because, no matter how much I know this is the right thing, I am in so much pain knowing that we had such a wonderful thing. Still, he has hidden things from me, lied, called me names, cut me down, insulted me publicly, he is sarcastic, he jokes at my expense, he beats the dog, he's hit me -- even when I try to as calmly as possible give him a chance to cool down, he's attacked me either verbally or physically.

I am trying to give myself ammunition to stay on track. I know the arguments he will line up when I try to get him to go. Either he will stick to the track he's been on lately and be an understanding guy (he's been mostly good lately), which will make it even harder, or he'll revert to how he always has been and accuse me of being just like the exes who "used him" and the discarded him. It was NEVER my intention to use him. Yes, my life is better now that he has been in it. I have a great job, moved out of my dad's place, I have a home I LOVE in an area I love -- but these things were never my goal when I decided to be with him. I was truly, deeply, passionately in love... but he's broken my heart more times than I can even begin to count.

I need support. Anyone who has gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please message me. I know mine is not that bad but I can't live like this anymore... constantly on edge, unable to trust him fully... I can't be in a relationship like that, its not right and its not how I grew up. I'm going to need support, and I may need to vent several more times before the end. Please help... thank you.

April 26, 2011

all I can say is..............it's hard.........painful, probably the hardest thing I'm going through right now.

My ex was abusive and I let it happen, he eventually left me. I miss him terribly, but I refuse to contact him. prepare for A LOT of grieving, not only grieving the lost relationship but grieving a person you thought existed and that you wish he was.

My ex was so wonderful for about a year, such a sweetheart, said all the right things, the fool I am I bought it all. I fell HARD and once you fall it's so hard to let go!!!!! You want that person back, but that person was NEVER them....and never will be. This has been the hardest of all to grasp for me, to know that he is NOT that person. It hurts SOOO much because I miss that person the most, it hurts everyday yet I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me at the same time, so the emotions are just all over the place.

it's nice to not have to worry about what he's doing, if he's cheating, if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time to throw him off and make him angry. I don't miss living in fear, but then there's still this longing in my heart for the sweetheart that he was. Gawd I miss that person....

April 26, 2011

prepare for A LOT of grieving, not only grieving the lost relationship but grieving a person you thought existed and that you wish he was

Thank you... I had never thought if it like this. I cannot imagine how hard it was for you, to have fallen with someone for a whole year to only have it turn around. I consider myself lucky that with my fiance it was only a week or so, with the usual yo-yo-ing afterwards. I have broken up with him in the past. The longest was three weeks... he began messaging me with the sweetest things. I tried to forget, tried dating someone else but that didn't work out and I flew back to him. I know what you mean, missing that person who isn't really them... that sweetheart who is only part of the whole story, and certainly not the main part.

My first line of defense is to tell everyone... to be held accountable. This did not work last time and I Was very embarrassed when I Went back to him... but I could not help it, it seemed. Also, venting helps remind me WHY I left/want to leave.

Next, to keep busy... this will be hard because my closest friends in this state are also his friends. I may have to reach out to co-workers to socialize so I don't wallow in self-pity when I'm alone lol.

I can't think of any other ways to prevent returning to him besides all that and lots of time. Do you recommend dating sooner or waiting? Part of me knows I need to be single for a bit, to gain strength. The other part is afraid if I don't "rebound" to something else then I'll just go back to him.

Before him, I was single for a few months and it was kinda cool. As long as I had a guy to crush on safely, I was okay. It didn't matter if it was going anywhere, just focusing on him (whoever he is) kept me going happily. Maybe its silly, but I'm hoping I can find a guy to do something similar with... without actually dating him or getting involved beyond the simple high school-type day dreaming. I figure this keeps me safe, emotionally detached, but mentally pre-occupied enough to not go back to my fiance.

Also, I do not look at porn, I know lots of people find solace in that but not me. It just doesn't do it for me.

Oh, I should also read lots of books, that is always a good idea. I don't have cable and the TV is his, as well as the PS3 so there goes my other entertainment lol. I should focus on exercise.. not just for the self esteem but also because I should be more fit due to my career. I'm not terrible but certainly not how I was a year ago.

Sorry to blab, but its helping me to come up with coping mechanisms.

April 26, 2011

First of all, I'm sorry about what you are going through. Its very hard on oneself to be in that position where you know its unhealthy to be with the person you love so much.

Now the main thing is to let human nature do its grieving process the way its suppose to. Do not avoid the pain and cry if you have to. DO NOT rebound nor look for a relationship until you are happy single.

The easiest thing a human being can do is be in a relationship. It doesnt require much, few common interests, a bit of a sexual attractiveness and speak the same language. Absolutely everything in our society has been established with the purpose of either finding a partner or being with a partner. Internet, bars/clubs, restaurants, parks, churches, gyms, theaters...

They may be recreational but many of us use them to find a partner that shares common interests.

Now the hardest thing a person can do and achieve in our society is to be happy as a single individual. Many find it impossible since we are constantly surrounded by couples and everything around us is couples related. To achieve single happiness is a great feeling which could not be compared to anything. If you can't be completely happy single then you would never be happy in any relationship since we put our happiness in the hands of somebody else.

We jump in relationships because they make us emotionally happy, which is the wrong reason. Relationship should be build first on loyalty and trust but never on happiness since this has to come from yourself. Once you have loyalty, respect and trust your relationship should last forever. But never be with somebody because they make you feel special by "bribing" with gifts and tell you phony compliments just to raise confidence and make you feel loved.

And how do you find a loyal person to love you? Its easy. First and foremost as I said you have to be solely focused on yourself and only self. You can't be thinking when will it happen, it must be why should it happen. That's how happy with yourself you have to be then from that state of mind you can make clear decisions and better judgements.

Every break up people say makes you stronger but its a hopeless statement. Every break up makes you more desperate, eager, vulnerable, miserable and emotionally scarred. Your next relationships will be worse than the previous one. The more you have the harder they get since we learn to want more and give less or on instances give less and want more. We never learn since there's nothing to be learned from it. Personalities are unique to each individual and we start from scratch with each person we meet. There shouldn't be, should have or could have since every mistake in the past might have done great in the current relationship.

Learn the power of you and clear you mind of past and future relationship until you don't need one to be happy. From that point on you can make decisions and judge people better on their behavior and history than solely on happiness and emotional support.

April 26, 2011

Hello, Kaito. I'm sorry to hear how difficult your relationship is right now. It sounds like the two of you have problems expressing your feelings, standing up for yourselves in straightforward, fearless ways, and simply being happy with life and each other.

I recommend you read The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel. Whether or not you maintain your relationship with this man, this book is full of insights and practical advice as to how to develop a healthy relationship with someone (either someone new or to repair your current relationship).

It is possible to repair a difficult relationship, although not in all circumstances. It is also entirely valid to leave such a relationship, if that's what you feel is best for you at that time. If you choose to explore repairing the relationship, good counselling for you together as a couple and individually can help you in that process. If you choose to separate, counselling is still a good resource to make use of.

You say it was perfect to begin with. This is common in relationships that become difficult. It often happens because both parties are looking for happiness, and hoping that a relationship will solve their individual problems. In this state, we might make compromises for the sake of having a relationship.

Sometimes this works - my parents work well together and compensate for each other's weaknesses quite well, for example - but sometimes we find that the weaknesses, frustrations are still there and the other person doesn't soothe them for us. And the compromises that we made early on are actually adding more pain on top of the pre-existing stuff.

You cannot move on freely if you are holding onto the past so much. You had a good time; now you're having a bad time; and it is only by holding onto the past that you continue to have a bad time. Let go of the past, let it go to where it belongs, and deal with the now. The more you deal with now, the more likely the rest of your life will be better than it has been.

April 26, 2011

VJohnson, I know you are right. That will probably be the hardest thing for me, which is funny because I really love my time alone and I'm good at preoccupying myself. I have been in a steady relationship since high school... first one for 5 years, and then shortly after the one with my fiance. I've done a lot of growing but still the thought of being single daunts me. I thought it would be harder for me because I'm not into the "bar-scene" and I keep thinking "where will I meet someone?!" I just have no clue how. I've used dating websites in the past but I am adamant not to do that this time.

I can already tell this breakup will be torturous -- he's away on business and saying sweet, promising things again... things I know he means but also things I cannot trust will make us, him, or anything better. Its a big heads up that somethings not right when things are better with him gone... I'm at peace without him in the house, and he's a nicer person when he's missing me. But it definitely makes my task harder.

Betterdeal, him and I have been to counselling. At first he wouldn't do it, but I when I said I was going to leave if he didn't he finally agreed. It was a tough road... the counselling didn't help me at all but I think it helped him come to terms with a lot of his pent up anger and past issues. Still, even if he is much less violent than he used to be (toward me), that still does not heal the emotional wounds he's already given me. Everytime he's a sweetheart, I'll still be waiting for that moment where he snaps without provocation and I'm hurt again. Actually, its much worse when I'm trusting him and expecting him to be nice... nothing hurts more than the person you love, trust, respect calling you names. I cannot imagine calling someone I love those things. I cannot understand why he does it.

So, even if I worked on this relationship still longer than I've been working on it, I'm afraid the damage is done. I'll never be able to trust him enough to have kids... to have a loving environment to raise them in. This breaks my heart because I know how happy children with me would make him, and I've been trying to make him happy for so long. I've driven myself into a tight economical situation to appease him, because I thought he deserved it. Well, I've seen enough of "I want I want", and then he gets what he wants, and still he's a miserable person. There's nothing I can do for him anymore. I have given him my love, respect, the monetary items he says he needs to be happy.. I've given him my time and my pride. I've molded myself however he needs me to be in order for him to stay happy and not get angry. Christ, its gotten to a point now where I'm afraid I may not even be recognizing I'm doing it. But I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him, even if I'm partially conditioned to how he wants me to act. I'm still on edge, still tense. I've given him all the tools he needs to succeed, everything he's asked for in an endless effort to trust be treated NICELY. He blames his anger on his depression, but at the same time will claim to be happy with me. That nothing is my fault. Then why do I get the brunt of the rage?! He says I've done nothing wrong, yet still when he's frustrated with anything and I'm too close, I will get called "stupid," "slow," "c---," "b----", etc. If the dog steps out of line he gets a severe beating on the head, while I have to beg him to stop and listen to the dog crying. This behavior he justifies. Its the dogs fault for misbehaving. He will not listen to reason.

I always used to tell myself I'd never be in an abusive relationship, that the second someone hit me I was out. I was younger then and did not realize the way these things happen... that you're not dating a monster who then expectantly hits you. The cycle is what gets you... that sweet nature and the inexplicable rage that comes out every now and again (but more often than not). The first time he hit me, I considered it my fault because I would often slap his arm, shoulder, back, leg, whatever. I would slap him playfully because he would often insult me openly. I thought he was being a wise-ass, a trait I am used to and find funny since I grew up with a bunch of wise-ass italians. But when it comes down to it, my family is loving and is always there for me. There is no rage that follows, its all love, and the smart comments made to each other are out of love and a joy of being around each other, and being able to laugh at our "faults". Well, I mistook my fiance's actions and words for such a thing. As the insults got worse and more demeaning, particularly in private, I'd hit slap him harder. It feels like it was my fault for starting it, so when he hit back the first time and bruised me bad all I could think of was: well, I slapped his leg first. It didn't matter what he had said to provoke it (that I was stupid, a bitch, etc.)... I still made the first action and I felt at fault.

But the first time he attacked me unprovoked was when I should have woken up and gotten out... I was in the academy then and it was before we had domestic violence training, so I could not recognize the cycle and minimized it. "He was stressed. He didn't mean it." Even so, it was saddening when right after he told me to tell everyone else I had fallen. I do not think I can or will EVER forget that night. I don't think I should, either. I am lucky the injury was not worse, that he did not continue attacking me. I could have had a concussion or worse. I was completely at his mercy, without a way to communicate to anyone else (we did not have or phones and we were stuck in deep snow a few miles from anyone else). My only response to the initial attack was to drop and cower in such a way that THANK GOODNESS worked and stopped his attack immediately. Still, he didn't do what most concerned love ones would do. He did not drop down to help me up. He did not comfort me. He stood over me for a while. Eventually he said, "Did I hit your head?" He said he didn't mean to, that he meant to hit my hip (he had shut the car door on me hard). I was quiet, afraid to make anything worse. Finally he took MY advice that I had been giving on the situation at hand and we became un-stuck. When he begged me to say something, at this point having been apologizing profusely, I said: You told me you didn't meant to hit my head. He agreed. I said: But you did mean to hit me. He was quiet. He had meant to hit me. We were heading to a super bowl party, he asked to take me home so our friends didn't see me crying. I thought about it... going home, grabbing my stuff and getting out. But I had no friends in our state besides his, and I wasn't yet very close with my academy classmates. So I said no... that I wanted to spend that sunday with him before he went on business again out of state. After all, I had driven 8 hours the night before through the worst blizzard that area had seen in some time just to pick him up from the only airport close enough that was still accepting flights. I wasn't about to let all that effort ruin my night. And, besides, I knew he'd be sweet now, so I was going to enjoy that sweetness. ... It wasn't really enjoyable. Sure, he was a sweetheart, and the woman at the party (a dear friend and woman I love and will miss in all of this) commented on how much he loved me, that he's never been this way with anyone else. I smiled and tried not to cry. She's a victim of abuse too... but her husband has mellowed. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to accept it. She's a strong lady, but... I can't be like that.

So yeah, he asked to take me home *so our friends didn't see me crying* and he'd go to the party. The party was more important to him, as well as his reputation, than my well being. He did ask once if I thought I had to go to the hospital but I said no. I don't even want to know the anger he'd have had if I had said yes, thus ruining his super bowl evening.

When we rolled up on the house, I was already preparing a story to lie about. I was going to offer to him that we lie if anyone noticed anything. I did not think he would want to lie about it as well. I wanted to spare him any embarrassment. But when he came up before I said anything and told me, "If anyone asks, you fell and hit your head on the guard rail." ... it was saddening. I didn't think he'd be so heartless.

So this, as well as all the emotional abuse he's put me through, is why I cannot "try" anymore. I've tried for almost 3 years. He still does not admit total fault. Quite frankly, I don't even care if he does... I just want to move on. Its going to be a painful road and I don't even trust myself to follow through with it, which is why I'm reaching out in all directions to friends, family, and now complete strangers for any sort of advice and support on how to GET AWAY.

Right now, he's on business for his last trip. I feel bad doing this to him now because he's sort of in the process of losing his job (the company is gov't contracted and is out of contracts). He wants to go to school, get a degree, get a good job and all he talks about is supporting me and my dream with that money, and buying all the stuff he wants, etc. He talks about how good it will all be when he gets a good job... and I agree, it will be good but.... why can't he realize that all we have is NOW, and he needs to be happy NOW? Its always been "it will be better when..." ... I admit, there are times we need to bide ouselves for a better tomorrow. Times we need to save so we can spend later, and things of that nature. But sacrificing happiness, love and trust today does not mean we get more of it later, or that its more warranted later. It is ALWAYS warranted. It is a trait that grows, not one you can diminish now and will be saved up and even better later.

Oh... VJohnson... the way you talk about gaining trust and respect with someone before you can have a happy relationship -- I love that. It is so true. I feel this way with my co-workers. There's a tight bond with my Squad. I love, trust, respect all of them for who they are. I get the impression they feel the same way about me. We crack jokes with each other with no fear. We are always there to back each other up. I see in my job all the traits I want in my personal life. Sure, guys fight at work, but that hasn't happened with me yet. They have their little squabbles like any family would. But no matter what, deep down, we are always there to love and protect each other. It reminds me of my family growing up. ... This is how I want a relationship to be. No fear between us... just love and support to be who we are, and the respect that if who we are does not mesh, we can always move on. ... I was reading something that scared me, something that described my fiance perfectly. It is called Love Addiction. I saw it here: http://www.recovery-man.com/loveaddict.htm .. I had never heard of this term before yesterday. I have been looking at ways to recognize an abusive relationship so I stop minimizing it. When this came up it was eye opening. 90% of that describes my fiance.

Ugh... I type too much. Thank you both!!

April 26, 2011

You want that person back, but that person was NEVER them....and never will be.

Amen.

Also, Kaito, you say you have no friends other than the friends you share with him. I'm sure you also know that keeping the victim isolated (moving far from the victim's family and friends and trying to keep hir from making friends that the abuser doesn't share) is a typical behavior for abusers.

April 26, 2011

Addiction to anything (love, drugs, gambling, anything) is almost always a form of distraction from whatever it is inside that's chewing up the addict. Mood swings, big talk about the future, job instability, cruelty to loved ones (you, the dog), are again, all signs of deep rooted problems that will take a long time to unearth and replace with something more healthy.

The label or diagnosis doesn't matter. What matters is what you do now. You sound very clear about deciding to make yourself well, which is great. You know where you're going, and you will get there. Like you, I asked myself, "could I have children with this woman?" and the answer was "no". Show over. The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you'll find yourself in a situation good enough for your children.

And stop feeling guilty! You gave him some of your time, affection, love, mind, body & soul. That's a lot for him to be thankful for.

Change you locks, your mobile number, block him on Facebook, let your shared friends know you are split up and you want nothing to do with him. Move town if needs be. Running away from danger is as valid a tactic as fighting back. Now is all about creating your own future happiness, your own children's future happiness.

Keep on keeping on

April 26, 2011

Amen.

Also, Kaito, you say you have no friends other than the friends you share with him. I'm sure you also know that keeping the victim isolated (moving far from the victim's family and friends and trying to keep hir from making friends that the abuser doesn't share) is a typical behavior for abusers.

I'm aware. I don't feel right pinning the move on him though, because when he got the job offer he said he wasn't sure he wanted to make the move in the first place.. that he was scared to. He said I gave him strength to do it, and that he's happy I moved with him. I don't think he was lying here. I don't think he meant to do it. Also, he loves my family and loves to be around them because he recognizes them as a healthy family and he feels loved around them. They know what's going on between us but have respected my decision to try and make it work. But when I let them know I'm done, they were very happy to hear it.

Also, my family visits often. Actually he is quite far from his, he just happens to have friends here from a long time ago because he's moved to this area several times in his life.

Thank you betterdeal. I'll try not to feel guilty. Its amazing how hard it is to remember the bad times when he's being nice. Suddenly the good times come flooding into memory. But like you said... I can't have kids with him and thus show's over. That sweet person isn't him all the time, and even if its him most the time its not enough. That mean person who shows through some of the time is what a child will remember... and I'm tired of dealing with it.

I hadn't planned to do this. As of a few days ago things were fine. I told him I wasn't planning on going anywhere when he told me he was scared about me leaving. Well, then later the same day he yelled at me and called me names for no good reason... and I guess that got the ball rolling. I really believed (again, for maybe the 100th time) that last week was it, that his outburts were over. But seeing how he reacted to it.... the same as always... nothing is different. The apology, then the excuses, then the reasons why I'm making it worse for him and how I should change to make it better. He says if I put more effort into the relationship he'd feel better about himself and it would be easier for him to change and lose the weight/get healthy so he's not always so miserable. Excuse me?! More effort?! I know what he means... he does not mean more of the love and support I've showed him time and time again, or the way I've come back to him no matter what to help him through his problems. He means more sexual attraction, more touching and loving. Well, I'm sorry... I told him hundreds of times that any ounce of anger turns me off. And it doesn't just turn me off for a little while, it'll turn me off for days. Even when we have just made love, he'll complain how we haven't been doing it enough often. The anger will still show. And still I get told I need to show him more affection. He's right -- I have been distant. He initiates everything and if I'm not mad at him then I allow it /enjoy it. But its hard to want to touch and love on someone who can be so mean.

My mother tells me that this time in a relationship should be the happy time. We are young, not married yet, and we should be looking forward to our wedding with joy and not have so many problems... that if we were meant to be together we wouldn't have so many problems already. I know she's right. I see my close friend planning her wedding to a man she is obviously overjoyed to be with. She is clearly proud of him and strong with him by her side. I felt that way at the beginning of my relationship. I was so proud of him... but forget that now. I am ashamed to be with him. I know he is smart, strong, and can be awesome...but most of the time he's just lazy and lets me cater to him. Granted, he has days here and there where he wisens up (usually after an outburst) and decides he should cater to me, even if I'm not asking him to. I appreciate it and love to see the change in him, see him put the effort forth to make us feel more like equals ... but he quickly forgets and the laziness returns.

I admit, I am very lazy too. But when I need to be I am on the ball. The academy made me that way more than anything else. My work stuff is squared away. My home is messy, but I try to casually keep it clean. My fiance barely tries at all. He's been known to blame me when none of his clothes are clean but all of mine are. I explain to him I do laundry all together, I don't separate them. I grab what I know I need, and then I grab anything else lying around. If its not in an obvious place, I don't see it thus I don't wash it. He has a tendency to leave dirty clothes in his car after he's been on a trip... so thus I don't see it to wash it. Yet he'd still yell at me and call me selfish. Ugh. Such BS really. He hasn't done that in at least two or three weeks, though, now he's more careful to ask politely.

... About the dog abuse. I could never stop him because 1) I'm a small female and, lets face it, I can't stop anyone without some sort of weapon and I'm not about to hurt him ... and 2) its technically his dog. Well, today I go to bring home a puppy. This puppy was rescued by my Squad about a week and a half ago. He was badly beaten. My squad and I vowed that this dog would never see cruelty again. I felt the need to tell my fiance that he will NEVER strike this dog and he will NEVER raise his voice to him -- unless there is some dire need like he is attacking another animal. Well, I don't see that happening anyway because he is very young and will be raised with the other animals as his pack mates before he will be old enough to do damage. But the fact that I felt the need to say this to him was eye-opening. I also told myself: If he hits my puppy, I'm out. That's all I'll need, because he'll be like a child to me. ... Well, that was another eye-opener. Why am I still making ultimatums and reasons to leave?! Well, obviously because I want to deep down but have not been strong enough! Its selfish of me to even leave the opportunity for my dog to get hit, especially what he's already been through.

Actually, I need to leave right now or else I'll be rushing to get him.

Thank you so much again. This dialogue is really helping me out. Each time I mention a past abuse is good for me... because in case I start feeling weak I can come back here and read it, and remind myself why I'm doing this.

April 26, 2011

Kaito I would PM you but I don't think your elligible yet for that. Ok I too am in Law Enforcement. Being that you are trained (I don't know how experienced because training and experience are too totally different things) recognize that this guy is the stereotypical abuser pattern. It does'nt matter how he grew up, that's not your problem. What do your friends in the Dept. think of this. We've had a few female officers in our department who encountered this sh-t from and we had to take care of the problem eventually for them when it escalated-and it did. I'm sorry Idid'nt read the entire thread just part of it

April 26, 2011

Okay, so you are going to tell him he can't be cruel to this new dog. That says to me he will have the opportunity to do so, and therefore you aren't splitting up with him. Is that right?

What are you waiting for?

April 26, 2011

I don't get it with people and abusive relationships!!!! Get out!

And if you say that I don't understand. Here's a story.

I was with a girl and she was beautiful and loving and warm..although she did have a little temper on her but I knew when to back off if she was in a bad mood. However, one day, we got in an arguement. Two people having a bad day. She finished the arguement by striking me in the face with a pole. Nice huh...Well, I end up at the hospital with a busted nose and they had to get a dentist in there to remove what was remaining of a tooth from my head. She spent a couple (literally) of hours at the police station and at court, because this was her first offense, she was given two years probation and a fine. She also had to do an anger management course and complete it in a timely manner or else she would be in violation of her probation.

The point is, that was the last time I EVER heard from her again. I heard she wanted to contact me to apologize. However, I wanted nothing to do with her after that. I don't care how much I loved her or had feelings for her. I had too much self respect to entertain ever seeing her again.

There's no reason to be around people like that. Man or woman. peroid.

April 26, 2011

Kaito I would PM you but I don't think your elligible yet for that. Ok I too am in Law Enforcement. Being that you are trained (I don't know how experienced because training and experience are too totally different things) recognize that this guy is the stereotypical abuser pattern. It does'nt matter how he grew up, that's not your problem. What do your friends in the Dept. think of this. We've had a few female officers in our department who encountered this sh-t from and we had to take care of the problem eventually for them when it escalated-and it did. I'm sorry Idid'nt read the entire thread just part of it

I am not very experiences -- I graduated from the academy in July 2010. The only person in my department who knows is the woman who handles training. She and the Academy Lt (a woman) addressed it with me before I left the academy... we had a heartfelt sit down and, while I knew they were right, I still stayed with him at the time. Just prior to that sit-down I had broken it off with him for 3 weeks and was staying with an academy friend and his wife. I was back in the honeymoon phase again... but even still I was ashamed of my decision to return to him.

The academy was a different agency. I'm city police and the academy was county -- we are too small to run our own academy. So in my department only the training sgt knows as far as I'm aware. Well... at 2-3 other officers know I was having problems with him a while back, but they don't know why. the most I told one of them was that he had "anger problems". As far as they know now, things are going well because he's "better"... but... I don't know if I ever believed that.

He has many guns in the house and I have mine too. My sgt told me to be careful... I am trying to be. I know that if police get involved its a huge deal for me and my agency gets involved... and I can't have them taking my service weapon away. I'm trying to make this as civilized as possible, and give him the option to walk away peacefully. Actually, my training sgt lives in the next town over, so I have someone I can call in an emergency.

EDIT: Poor guy you're right, I don't seem to be able to PM you. I added you to my contact list but I don't think that did anything lol. I want to talk to someone else in LE but I know better than to put my email here lol.

He's promising me lots of wonderful things again... its hard but I'm not believing him.

Betterdeal - I told him about not hitting the dog at least a week ago. I knew I was taking this dog home for about a week and a half now, and I had that conversation with him shortly after we found the dog on the street. I did not plan to leave until maybe two days ago... it just sort of came to me as something that needed to happen.

He is away on business now and I don't have the heart to break it off with him while he's away. The last time he was at the place he is now, we were broken up and he was miserable... he keeps telling me how memories of that are causing him to want to change for the better. He wants to prove to himself whether he's the real deal or not, in his words. I guess he means this is kind of a "do or die" moment. He doesn't know I plan on ending it anyway. But I wanted to wait until he came back to break the news. I'm scared of that but I don't want to wuss out and do it through phone/text/email/whatever. Also, he needs to come back anyway. There's a lot of moving out for him to do. I'll be keeping the house (we had already discussed this, in case of a break up I got the house and he got the cars, since the house was what I wanted and all the vehicles are ones he wanted). So.... no, he doesn't know. I'm waiting for him to return so we can do this right. It will take time and be tough but I can't just kick him to the curb. He has someplace he can go, though. ... god this is tough to think about. Last time I moved out... but honestly being home will make it easier for me I think.

Thank you Chi town.... I know how right you are. I know its weak of me to have stayed even one minute, and I am ashamed of it. When he met me I was a different person. The thought of being police was a joke -- I could never have done that! I lived at home, had just gotten a new job at a little mom and pop place in town (nothing serious), and was mostly just being a young naive kid and having fun. I was a shut-in, mostly. I desired that attention and love and he gave it... I was sucked in so bad. Its amazing how, even now, I feel it isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Logically I know it must be. But I can't believe it. Still, I am sticking to my resolve to separate from him.

Edited April 26, 2011 by Kaito

April 26, 2011

He's promising me lots of wonderful things again... its hard but I'm not believing him.

We can all promise all sorts of things. It's what we deliver that matters.

I did not plan to leave until maybe two days ago... it just sort of came to me as something that needed to happen.

He is away on business now and I don't have the heart to break it off with him while he's away.

Did your decision to end the abuse come when he went away? Doesn't it say something to you that, when free, you want to remain so?

The last time he was at the place he is now, we were broken up and he was miserable... he keeps telling me how memories of that are causing him to want to change for the better. He wants to prove to himself whether he's the real deal or not, in his words. I guess he means this is kind of a "do or die" moment. He doesn't know I plan on ending it anyway. But I wanted to wait until he came back to break the news.

I'm sure he does want to change. He sounds very unhappy. Your relationship with him has not changed him for the better, so I very much doubt it will change him in the future.

I'm scared of that but I don't want to wuss out and do it through phone/text/email/whatever. Also, he needs to come back anyway. There's a lot of moving out for him to do. I'll be keeping the house (we had already discussed this, in case of a break up I got the house and he got the cars, since the house was what I wanted and all the vehicles are ones he wanted). So.... no, he doesn't know. I'm waiting for him to return so we can do this right. It will take time and be tough but I can't just kick him to the curb. He has someplace he can go, though. ... god this is tough to think about. Last time I moved out... but honestly being home will make it easier for me I think.

I'll be interested to see if this choice is one of fine tuning as you say above or another excuse to stay in a relationship that is hurting both of you.

April 26, 2011

Don’t be to ashamed of screwing up and staying with him. Just leave now. Don’t even figure this out with him. You figure a way to move out that screws you both over the least and you just disappear one day and tell him you are done being afraid of his abusive behavior. Break all contact with the guy and go nc when all the lose ends are tied up as far as who owes who money or what ever.

April 26, 2011

Bottom line is you are in a toxic relationship. The back and forth from misery to honeymoon you've described here is the typical abusive relationship pattern. I see it all most every single day. It reads the same way-we arrest a couple for a domestic and they just about killed each other. Well then get them to jail or the lockup and a few hours later they're singing lovesongs to each other. Just toxic. It's always the same ones too.

Now you need to look at the much bigger picture. You could put your career in jeopardy. F that guy and all of his issues. If you went through all of the training required to even be sworn LE and your even putting yourself in this situation your potentially throwing all of it away over someone that you more than likely would'nt bother with anyway.

As far as the guns go, don't get me started. I realize your inexperienced BUT as far as your weapon goes YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN CONTROL OF IT!!!! As far as other people's weapons go when you are present you are also in control of those weapons. That's your job 24/7 and that never ever changes.

I'm not coming down on you but I think you may understand

April 27, 2011

Bottom line is you are in a toxic relationship. The back and forth from misery to honeymoon you've described here is the typical abusive relationship pattern. I see it all most every single day. It reads the same way-we arrest a couple for a domestic and they just about killed each other. Well then get them to jail or the lockup and a few hours later they're singing lovesongs to each other. Just toxic. It's always the same ones too.

Now you need to look at the much bigger picture. You could put your career in jeopardy. F that guy and all of his issues. If you went through all of the training required to even be sworn LE and your even putting yourself in this situation your potentially throwing all of it away over someone that you more than likely would'nt bother with anyway.

As far as the guns go, don't get me started. I realize your inexperienced BUT as far as your weapon goes YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN CONTROL OF IT!!!! As far as other people's weapons go when you are present you are also in control of those weapons. That's your job 24/7 and that never ever changes.

I'm not coming down on you but I think you may understand

I definitely understand... and I completely agree. Its the whole part about leaving thats the tough part. Tomorrow I'm cleaning the house up. I'll find all the guns / ammo ... I'll hide the ammo and lock the guns, as well as hide the ones that are mine. He's never used a weapon on me, but I know safety comes first. Actually I'm more worried about him using a weapon on himself, I know he's come close the last time we broke up.

Dust -- thank you. I try not to be ashamed. As for no contact... I know that's the best policy. Its going to be a long hard road getting to no contact though, because his life is so infused with mine now. He's got his stuff both here and at my dad's house... lots of junk that just has been sitting around. Also, his name is on the deed and my name is on one of the vehicles... so until I can figure that out we have to remain somewhat in contact. Its gonna be tough to figure out but I know that when its finally over, I will need to have no contact to make sure I don't get poisoned by his promises again.

Betterdeal, my decision to end it began after an outburst he had on friday evening as we were installing a dog door. Earlier in the day he had been his usual sweet self, and then during our work on the door he got angry and called me names. Compared to how he's been, it was nothing. But it must have been the last straw... in the morning I was telling him I wouldn't leave him, even though he seemed concerned about it. I wasn't even thinking about leaving. And then that happened and... wow.. I just felt like I needed to leave. All day saturday I slept due to being sick, and ... well... also because I didn't want to talk to him so I just kind of laid around. Sunday was similar, but we did go outside for a walk and played with the dog. It was a fun day, and saddening too, because he was being nice again. But I still wanted to leave. But yes... when he's away, I love my time to myself... when free, I do seem to want to remain so.

"I'll be interested to see if this choice is one of fine tuning as you say above or another excuse to stay in a relationship that is hurting both of you."

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean the choice to wait until he comes home to break the news? I wish I could tell you what it was. Maybe it is an excuse. Or did you mean something else?

I am tempted to tell him over the phone, in an email, maybe even text. I am better at expressing myself with written word usually. He is not, so it puts me at a clear advantage -- not to mention the fact that he is across the country and can't hurt me if it turned bad. I don't think it will turn bad but who knows if he's desperate enough. I feel bad "leading him on" though. I also know that he comes home Friday, and I work Fri-Sun with 12 hour shifts, so I won't have the time or energy to argue with him about it then. I plan on telling him "no discussion", but I know he'll try... and there will have to be some discussion about "who gets what" and all that business.

I reached out to a cousin of mine who I think was in a similar situation. I didn't know it though... she got married and divorced a year later, when I was much younger. Now she is happily married with two children. When I was talking to her mother, my aunt, about what I'm going through, she mentioned my cousin going through the same thing. I will be calling her tomorrow to talk. I'm hoping this will help get rid of some of this doubtful feelings I have. Logically I know I'm doing the right thing, how to go about it, etc. But emotionally it kills me, feeling like I'm abandoning him. I know, I know -- I'm not, I'm just looking out for me as I should. But it feels that way, and I think it will continue to feel that way for a long time... I just need to find the strength to go through with it.

April 27, 2011

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean the choice to wait until he comes home to break the news? I wish I could tell you what it was. Maybe it is an excuse. Or did you mean something else?

That's exactly what I mean. You have no reason to wait for him to abuse you again, but you're deciding to give him the opportunity to do so. Your happiness is not as important to you as his is. I understand this (been there) and I say that you have to judge yourself as well as him by actions not words.

I am tempted to tell him over the phone, in an email, maybe even text. I am better at expressing myself with written word usually. He is not, so it puts me at a clear advantage -- not to mention the fact that he is across the country and can't hurt me if it turned bad. I don't think it will turn bad but who knows if he's desperate enough. I feel bad "leading him on" though. I also know that he comes home Friday, and I work Fri-Sun with 12 hour shifts, so I won't have the time or energy to argue with him about it then. I plan on telling him "no discussion", but I know he'll try... and there will have to be some discussion about "who gets what" and all that business.

You can (and will) do what you like. You could, for instance, not say anything at all, change your locks, report him for animal cruelty and assault and make them aware of his instability, change your phone number, get an injunction, tell your family you are ending it, put all his stuff in boxes in a storage facility, and leave a note with keys to his car, and your lawyer's contact details etc. somewhere for him, then move to your folks temporarily, and get the f*ck out of it. Easy to say, I know, and seemingly impossible to do when you've been beaten down, but you know getting out is what you need to do.

I reached out to a cousin of mine who I think was in a similar situation. I didn't know it though... she got married and divorced a year later, when I was much younger. Now she is happily married with two children. When I was talking to her mother, my aunt, about what I'm going through, she mentioned my cousin going through the same thing. I will be calling her tomorrow to talk. I'm hoping this will help get rid of some of this doubtful feelings I have. Logically I know I'm doing the right thing, how to go about it, etc. But emotionally it kills me, feeling like I'm abandoning him. I know, I know -- I'm not, I'm just looking out for me as I should. But it feels that way, and I think it will continue to feel that way for a long time... I just need to find the strength to go through with it.

Get help. Your family, your colleagues, a lawyer, see a doctor if you need sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills, get a massage to help you ease some of the tension. It's going to be very upsetting, but it's not your fault. It's time to end it.

April 27, 2011

Kaito, you are describing the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Specifically, you are describing a man who blames you for every misfortune, has little impulse control, throws temper tantrums that typically last five hours, is emotionally unstable, is distrustful, does black-white thinking, and has low self esteem. This is the behavior of a man acting like spoiled child because -- due to a combination of childhood trauma and heredity -- his emotional development became frozen at four years of age. The result is the strong pattern of BPD traits you are seeing. Importantly, it can be very dangerous to be living with a four year old who has the intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown man.

If your fiance has strong BPD traits, you should also notice that he has two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable self image, he becomes extremely uncomfortable when you draw close in intimacy. It makes him feel like he is suffocated, losing himself in your strong personality -- like he is evaporating into thin air. He therefore will push you away (usually after an intimate evening or great weekend together) by creating an argument over nothing. That gives him relief from the feeling of engulfment and suffocation.

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space, you will trigger his other great fear: abandonment. This is why a week or a few days later -- if not hours -- he will be super sweet to pull you back into the relationship -- as your fiance did after hitting you in the snow storm. This unending push-away and pull-back cycle is a hallmark of BPDers. Moreover, like your fiance, 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in early childhood.

Significantly, a BPDer is very VERY easy to fall in love with. Because he has such a weak self image, he likely mirrored the best features of your own personality during the infatuation stage. A BPDer can do that so well that he convinced you and himself that the two of you are "soul mates." Even when infatuation is not present, he will do this mirroring on a lesser scale around other people. This is why you likely have noticed that his personality changes when he is around different types of people.

Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to sustain this honeymoon period for longer than six months. Even after it ends, however, you will find that -- when a BPDer is "splitting you white," he is very, VERY good because he is adoring you. Yet, in just 10 seconds, you can say or do something that will trigger one of his two fears. In that instant, he will flip from adoring you to devaluing and hating you. This flipping, called "splitting" and "black-white thinking," is another hallmark of BPDers.

For a quick overview of what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you read my posts in Katt's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If that discussion rings a bell and sounds familiar, I suggest that you read the very best article I've ever seen about leaving a BPDer. It is called "Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering from BPD." It provides ten tips on how to deal with the breakup. It is available at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm. The other articles at that site are excellent also and most are written by professionals.

If you like, I will be glad to provide other links and try to answer any questions you have about this illness. Finally, I note that this information is intended to help explain your finance's dysfunctional behavior -- not to excuse it. He should be held accountable for his own actions. Otherwise, he has no chance of confronting this illness and learning to manage it. If you decide that he likely has strong BPD traits, please be very cautious about the manner in which you leave him because his abandonment fear will be triggered BIG TIME.

When leaving a BPDer, you can expect a rage and vindictiveness like you have never seen. This is why it is important to plan it and then spring it on him at the very last moment, when you have people present (ideally, strangers like moving men). Great tips about staying safe when leaving are available at BPDfamily.com, a large forum targeted to nonBPD partners like you. Take care, Kaito.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Downtown

April 27, 2011

He called me... he knew something was up.. so I talked to him about breaking up. I typed down parts of the conversation as they came up. I missed a lot but I got the ones I thought 1) were either him demonstrating controlling behavior or 2) was him showing his sweet side... to show as accurate a representation of him and our conversation as I can.

admitting needs to change but....

disvaluing what I say

"we belong together, you mean everything to me"

"You dont think that"

"You're in one of your depressed moods where you think I'm nothing but an *******, that you remember only the bad stuff... I understand."

"I love you, I'm crazy about you. You're my girl."

I tried to tell him that I'm not in one of those 'moods', that I think a lot about the good times.

"We have all my dreams in place."

"you said last time you couldn't trust me again.. then I came home and was better and you started trusting me again... but I stopped getting better and so you lost your trust."

"You know you love me. You know we're great together. Everyone expects us to last forever. This is something we got to work on, and by something I mean me. I gotta stop talking about it and do something."

"I swear there's a great guy in me dying to get rid of this *******."

"I know its hard for you. You think anything in the past few years have been easy for me? I've had to face a lot of demons I had for a long time. I keep trying to work through these things but I stop, and I'm very sorry I stop. The past 6 months I've done nothing but sit around and gain weight, and that makes me more miserable."

"You're my girl. You're the love of my life. We've made it through much worse than this."

"You kinda picked a bad time to throw me out on my ass. I don't think you're doing it on purpose... don't take me wrong. I know you're a good person and wouldn't do that."

"Everything I've busted my ass making money for, I'll lose."

"I love you with all my heart. You have everything I care about. I'm so close to having everything I ever wanted. I will do anything not to lose what I have."

.....

"You may have a hard time remembering right now because you're in some kind of shock state."

"then we'll sell the house, I'm not going to let you have something I busted my ass for."

"you're being too critical of me."

"Do you believe you'll find someone who won't yell at you ever?"

"You came back to this feeling because I was yelling. If I don't yell at you anymore then there won't be any question. You question it becase I got worse... you don't question it when I'm a good boy."

"I'm not going to say I need you, because I don't.. but I really, really really would like you to reconsider this."

"Things haven't been good the past 6 mos and I was too stupid to realize it was my yelling and not you."

"I have a better idea.. why don't we stay together and I work this sh** out?"

"You don't understand... you just don't understand me."

I tried to go, saying I needed to get to bed because I have a big day tomorrow.

"What do you have thats more important than our relationship?"

"I'm so proud of you. You have no idea how proud I am to be your boyfriend, and how ashamed I am to be myself."

"I have to get rid of this genetic mental disorder I have." (He just finished telling me about the traits he has from his parents, how both of them are very unstable)

I vented for a while...

"Can I tell you something? Up until Monday, I never put any effort into it [work..life]." ... Up until Monday!? I've heard this before.

"I've never given 100 %, I was never encouraged to." -- back to complaining about the family.

"I'm not saying I won't move on. In 4 or 5 months we'll both move on from this ****ed up relationship. I'm not dumb, I know there are other girls out there."

Started talking about going to school, college, get a job, and be a good person (in that order).

I asked him "Why is being a good person at the end of that list?"

"I meant be like a officer, nurse, teacher, etc."

"So you mean a job where you're a positive part of society?"

"Yes. I want to be a physical therapist. I want to help people." -- he has actually said this for a while now.

He mentions being bitter since his ex... heard this 100 times.

He mentions being afraid of failure, like his dad. He mentions being cheated on in the past and how he never thought he should bother again because he'll just get cheated on again (I've NEVER given him reason to believe I would cheat on him... I NEVER would.)

"I have the perfect woman and the perfect house, the perfect critters. All I need is the perfect job and then I can have the kids. I can put on that number 1 dad shirt and feel good about it. I'm right there, I don't know why I've been so stupid." --he has a #1 dad shirt he has refused to wear, it was a gift.

"No matter what happens... thank you. You've helped me a lot."

"These past few months have been amazing, especially since the suns come out. That one day we worked together without fighting was great. It was worth all the pain in the world."

--this part got me because for the rest of the conversation, at least 5 times he mentioned how bad its been the last 6 months, since we moved into the house. So...... I don't get that.

okay... Again, thats just snippets, mostly the stuff I either thought was him demonstrating controlling behavior, or parts I thought showed his good side kinda well... to try and be even about it.

It was so hard. He got me considering letting him stay here for a bit, mostly because he said we would have to sell the house. I guess he sort of threatened that actually... not sure how to take it but I am desperate not to lose this house. He's out of work so he'd lose everything he's worked for.. the jet ski, two vehicles, all his good credit. My credit would be damaged too but I'm only worried about losing my home, because that means I lose all my pets/livestock that I love very much. I want him to have a steady job and be able to move out without being in trouble... but... I know him being near me is dangerous -- I'll miss him, I know this pattern. I feel it even as he talks to me. But typing out his words, I can see how he's controlling and he doesn't even realize it. He said he'd do anything to make it work. He kept mentioning his dream, how everything is perfect and he doesn't want to lose that. He only mentioned a few times that I don't deserve the way he treated me. It was a very selfish conversation on his end, considering he's trying to make amends. I feel like it should be more apologies from him, more "you never should be treated like that," And less "I'll lose everything." He said those things but the focus was definitely him and his dream. It was like he wasn't even listening to me when I said I couldn't trust him. He kept saying stuff like, "When things are good you don't think this way. Its only because I've been bad." And totally trying to dis-value my feelings of distrust.

Now to address other posts...

Betterdeal, I am reaching out for help. You mention a lawyer. I can't really afford one but I might have to in order to keep the house. I do not want to move. I love this place. Goodness, I even love our life together .... I always said, if only he wasn't mean to me, we would have been perfect. But he can't take any of it back any more than I can... That pain is done and I'm not going to ever forget it. He didn't seem to hear me when I said that. He kept telling me, in a roundabout way, how I was wrong. He kept telling me how I felt. I didn't even notice he did that stuff until he did it again with this conversation.... he's done this stuff all the time.

I know losing the house isnt the end of the world. Losing everything is just a way to start over. I could find someone to live with. I was hoping there would be a way to "buy" his half, or something. We also share a vehicle. He said there's "No way" to get the title transferred to him only. I don't know if I believe that. I told him I didn't care if my name was on it, as long as he pays it.. I'd even help pay for my half, but I can't afford it all. So much for him saying he'd take the car payments because they were his fault anyway...

As for the house, does anyone know if I can transfer ownership entirely to me, if he agrees to it? I doubt he will at this point. I will have to explore my options.

Downtown... my fiance was both abused and "abandoned" (neglected) as a child. His parents were awful. He had to raise his younger siblings most the time because his mom was too drunk. I see what you're describing... it is just like him.

Also, this stands out to me.... he said he admires me, is proud of me, etc. Constantly says he's jealous of me, thinks I'm strong, ... so on and so forth. Very flattering. If what you say is true, then this makes sense... he is admiring my personality and in awe of it, because he is weaker. He even calls himself weak and puts himself down. I never tell him these things... I always tell him how smart he is. He is VERY intelligent.

Thank you thank you thank you for those links!! Seeing it through someone else's experience and all the literature I can get definitely helps me... I cannot read it now, I'm too weary, but I will as soon as I wake up tomorrow.

How can this be treated? Is it through medication or a lifestyle change, counseling, all the above...? I'm not fond of medication, and I don't think my fiance taking any will be helpful because it just gives him another cop-out. But I do want him to get help... anything is better than nothing.

.... on another note. I've been reaching out to everyone except people who live here and are close to me. That's been partially out of self preservation, to prevent the embarrassment if I go back to him. Obviously I don't have a lot of faith in myself.

Edited to add: When I mentioned him moving out, he said something along the lines of-- oh, so you're going to throw me out? What about the times I carried you at the apartment?

Not those exact words but.. essentially meant when we lived together at an apartment, we moved for his new job. I transferred but my job was still retail and still crappy pay. Since then I did my best to get a better job, and I did get one. Thankfully one I love. I am constantly trying to better myself. He must have forgotten the 7 months we spent living with my dad, where he paid next to nothing for rent. He was barely making it when I met him, missing car payments, carrying a buddy of his with apartment rent... he was technically going to be homeless for a week because he couldn't move into a new place which he didn't even technically have a contract for yet. So he moved in with me. I didn't carry him by any means, but I still let him into my life and gave him a place for cheap. Then all of a sudden we move out (a move I supported him through that he was scared about), and now he's supporting me mostly because I can't afford the place -- and he has to hold it over my head??? Guess what, now I'm the only one with a job and I'm supporting you. I've been handling your bills for almost 3 years because you're too irresponsible to do it yourself!!!! Hell. What am I afraid of?!?! Him threatening to sell the house?! HAH. How?! Can't do it without my approval, can ya? Can't hire anyone to sell it for you, can't afford to do it. Ugh. Sorry I know thats cruel but he made me mad. I should just work more overtime or get a second job to afford the damn truck he's so worried about too. F-it. I'll take it all on, if he's so worried. He's got plenty of assets he's taking with him that I'm gladly relinquishing to him because I know they're his. He can sell those to make ends meet. He's got a car, an ATV (that I bought him), both he never uses and don't run right... he can at least get 5k for those and float on his bills until he gets a steady job!!! Heck, he's got close friends who have repeatedly let him move in before, for a cheap rent. He's got still other friends who would gladly give him a place for free for a while, I bet. I'll have to talk to them, they've been like a second family to both of us.

He didn't even listen to me when I said it was over. He told me I didn't feel that way. What?!!?! Okay, I get it, I've bought into the honeymoon phase and everything was hunky-dorey for me too in those times. But sorry, nothing changes. I'm sad too. I'm going to miss this life. I'm going to miss the good times. But I can't forget the bad times... and the fact that he's still being controlling even in a conversation to try and win me over..... unbelievable!!!!

I need to calm down and go to bed, ugh!!!!

Edited April 27, 2011 by Kaito

April 27, 2011

You're doing great, realising just how many of your boundaries he infringes in that conversation. You can, if you feel like it, point this out to him and tell him you won't accept it. It can be as simple as, "Don't tell me what I think", for example, but it's what we say to ourselves that matters most.

He's very much out of control and lost and has been for a long time. By enforcing your boundaries you will not only be protecting you, but also putting some shape into his world. Currently he is wondering blind in a fog of his own making. By enforcing your boundaries - where you end and he begins by simply saying "get off my lawn" you'll be doing the best for the both of you.

As for how he fares in the future, sick people tend to need a calm, safe environment in which to heal and sometimes drugs help, and sometimes therapy helps too. But it is clear he is not well enough to have a healthy relationship with his dog, never mind another human being, and you have your own healing to do anyway.

Nothing changes if no-one changes.

April 27, 2011

Kaito,

If you stay with this man he is going to hurt you so badly you will end up dead or in the hospital. You are gambling with your life and your sanity.

The only way he can ever change is a lot of intensive therapy and some divine intervention. He is doing neither, right? Don't wait for it.......he should prove it by ACTIONS after you are gone.

You need to take all precautions that are possible when you leave as this is often a very dangerous time and you've already informed him of your intention so he will turn up the charm or else get more violent.

You have every reason to be pissed........stay pissed and please get out. The bad sooo outweighs the good. The bad is who this man really is. You are hurting yourself gravely by staying. It will forever alter who you are and how you see yourself and your ability to distinguish a good man and a bad man. The sooner you get out the less you will be affected.........please get out ASAP.

Hugs........

April 27, 2011

Hmm sounds like my dad, he was verbally abusive towards my mom, would tear her down during fights but then be charming afterwards. "You're fat, you're worthless, you don't have a job, you can't get a job!" He was never physically violent, though one time he threatened "rip her teeth out with pliers" if she ever left. He was also "very intelligent," offered a membership to mensa and all of that. The similarities continue, he was also given the responsibility of raising a younger brother because his mother was a psycho. My earliest memories are of myself and my sister putting plastic beach buckets over our heads to block out all "fighting" (Him yelling at her).

Like your husband he had a parents who were not there for him. He had a mother who busy doing various things (having sex with lots men, etc.), several suicide attempts, a screwball, and just very abusive towards people.

I would recommend leaving. Contrary to popular belief, these things can be largely hereditary. Your husband is NOT a victim because he had a tough childhood, though he undoubtedly views himself as such and tries to get you to view him as a victim as well. They've done studies where identical twins separated at birth were raised separately, and as adults these twins have very similar personalities, in many cases even the same occupations.

He might have had a rough childhood because his parents were very much like he is now. I'm not saying that's definitely, positively the case, but it's a strong possibility you need to consider.

My recommendation is find a man who's A) Sane B) Kind C) Treats you with respect and D) Whatever else you're looking for.

He can certainly "protect" you, but the question is, can you protect yourself from him?

He didn't even listen to me when I said it was over. He told me I didn't feel that way. What?!!?! Okay, I get it, I've bought into the honeymoon phase and everything was hunky-dorey for me too in those times. But sorry, nothing changes. I'm sad too. I'm going to miss this life. I'm going to miss the good times. But I can't forget the bad times... and the fact that he's still being controlling even in a conversation to try and win me over..... unbelievable!!!!

Don't "ask" him to acknowledge that it's over. You're in control, simply say "It's over and if you don't want to acknowledge that it's over, then I'll call the cops, goodbye." He's not the arbiter of whether the relationship is over or not, the relationship being over doesn't rely upon his acknowledgement that it's over.

The "You don't think that" and "You know you love me" stuff is just a way of asserting (reasserting) control.

Take this statement for instance:

"You kinda picked a bad time to throw me out on my ass. I don't think you're doing it on purpose... don't take me wrong. I know you're a good person and wouldn't do that."

The implication here is, "If you throw me out you're a bad person." Because he's saying "I know you're not doing it on purpose, because you're a good person." Ipsofacto if you're doing it on purpose, then logically you'd be a bad person. So he's getting his message across but not in a manner where he says it directly, rather than telling you "You're a bad person" he's "letting you figure it out," and he's saying in a manner that is actually praising you.

I'm telling you this guy is a very likely a psychopath or a sociopath.

As far as you getting a second job to pay off this guy's truck, that's absolutely ridiculous! That demonstrates right there what kind of "relationship" you're in. None of that is your responsibility, that's just another tactic. If he can't get you back with "I'm a victim, boo hoo" stuff he'll try to get you back with the financial stuff.

You say, "If only he wasn't mean to me, then things would be perfect" that's the trap. That's what you're suppose to think, because the idea that maybe he wont be mean to you is the only thing that will keep you around. It isn't your duty or your job to turn a bad man into a good man. That's why he says:

"I swear there's a great guy in me dying to get rid of this *******."

That's to get you to feel as though you have to help him reach the "great guy," because in getting you to that point, you're back under his control.

This is someone who very gradually desensitized you to abuse. Obviously if he started physically hitting you/emotionally abusing you right at the start of the relationship, you would have left, he knows that. Nevertheless after a period of time had elapsed, he eventually got you to the point where he hit you and then convinced you in your own mind that the right course of action was to tell other people the injury was caused by you hitting yourself.

That's a lot of power to have over someone, and that didn't happen by accident, it happened because it was a calculated intellectual plan on his part. You didn't "accidentally" reach the point where you told a bunch of people that you hit your head on a guardrail when actually it was Mr. Psycho. Anything he says over the phone, you have to take it within that context, someone who is very carefully measuring what he says, measuring your responses carefully, playing on your emotions, even using the financial situation to assert control.

That's the nature of this man. It's not a situation where there's a "great guy" waiting to get out, and if only you can do this that or the other and he's going to become something other than what he is. The person who asked you to tell some friends that you hit your head on the railing, that's the person you're going to get if you continue the relationship. The man who beats dogs, defenseless animals, that's the man you're going to get. You're not going to get the man who says "There's a great guy underneath the surface and I need you to do X Y and Z to help me bring him out." That man is a fictional creation for his benefit, the goal being to attach you to him, the real man is the one who beats animals and hit you in the head.

Your only obligation here is to yourself, remember that above all else. You have absolutely zero obligation to help Mr. Psycho become a better man, pay his bills, or any of the rest of it.

Edited April 27, 2011 by coffeeaddict

April 27, 2011

"Don't "ask" him to acknowledge that it's over. You're in control, simply say "It's over and if you don't want to acknowledge that it's over, then I'll call the cops, goodbye." He's not the arbiter of whether the relationship is over or not, the relationship being over doesn't rely upon his acknowledgement that it's over. "

Thank you coffeeaddict... I was thinking this when I spoke to him last night. Why am I asking permission?! Thats so dumb! I'm asking it because I want this to be amicable and I want to keep the life I have... but goodness, looks like its out of the question and the sooner I admit that to myself the better!!

Betterdeal - thank you for your support. I appreciate you sticking with me through this. I will talk to him about boundaries tonight, over the phone. He's in cali so I'm safe. We'll see how he responds... If I need to call in some co-workers to help me out in order to leave safely, so be it.

"The implication here is, "If you throw me out you're a bad person." Because he's saying "I know you're not doing it on purpose, because you're a good person." Ipsofacto if you're doing it on purpose, then logically you'd be a bad person. So he's getting his message across but not in a manner where he says it directly, rather than telling you "You're a bad person" he's "letting you figure it out," and he's saying in a manner that is actually praising you. "

....... .... Wow. Did not see that at all.... ... I'm speechless.

Coffeeaddict you definitely helped me see this is way more serious than I thought... ... I feel like crying. I'm going to hide the weapons right now. I talk to my mom and my cousin tonight, I'll have to discuss with them my plans to leave. It seems the best move is to get out now and work out the details later. All I need is my computer, clothes, and the puppy I just brought home. I pray for his dog and his cat, and my chickens and goats, that he doesn't take it out on them.

I don't know if I can get out by Friday.... where will I go?! Who will I turn to?! I'm panicking I have a friend in my squad I desperately want to ask for help. I know he has a house to himself and he's vested into the puppy I adopted (I consider it a joint adoption -- him and I were 2 of 3 officers on scene when we rescued the dog -- it was badly beaten). But I'm afraid to contact him. I admit I have a sort of mini-crush on him, but I know its just because I recognize him as a good person -- the kind of person my fiance isn't. I tend to be drawn to people like that, I guess kind of like a cry for help. Anyway, I'm afraid if I dump this on him it will strain our relationship at work.

I guess I could contact my friend from the Academy that I used to live with and not tell my fiance where I'm going. He knows where my friend lives though... and I doubt they'd let me bring my dog because they have a dog too.

And if I leave, I'm abandoning my livestock. The chickens and goats survive just fine with the grass in their field and the water in their stream. However we have 6 baby chicks under the brooder in the barn that require a close eye. But will my fiance -- ... I'm changing that word. Will my abuser care for them too? He claims he does care, and he has helped me out with them so I know that he is aware of how to care for them. I know I need to look out for me but its heart wrenching to think of leaving them behind. Leaving his dog behind feels wrong... and the cat.

I know I could get a protective order against him. But I don't think that looks good for my job... I know that seems silly but I don't want to jeopardize my career. I think poorguy would understand this. The only power the protective order has is when cops show up to arrest him, and having incidents like that at my house will not look good. I'm not off probation until another 2-3 weeks I think. For the first 18 months of this job they can fire you without any reason whatsoever. I don't want them to throw me out because they think I'm a liability.

I think reaching out to my co-workers, as embarrassing as it is, will be the best course of action. I know they can and will help me. Ugh.

Okay, off to hide the guns/ammo.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Kaito

April 27, 2011

The order of protection wont put your job in danger. That would be the most responsible thing for you to get. However if you break it as many who petition the court for one do, then I could easily see you getting fired. That would clearly demonstrate that you shouldnt be in the position that you are.

Btw...just because you are a cop doesnt mean that you shouldnt/wont have personal problems. After all we have one of the highest divorce rates of any profession. This guy just sounds like a total wreck and shouldnt even be in a relatiinship and neither should you. You have a whole career in front of you and for now need to focus on that.

Guns and ammo? You do know that except for your service weapon, you can check them with your dept right? Their in good hands there!!!!!

He's abusive, I'm scared.

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