[desperate]

I am very confused about something...

I went to my wife's apartment to pick up our son after work today. Her apartment is very "cute" and very big. I wish we would have found it when we first got married! It was a very depressing experience. I really didn't know how to act. Should I be like "Wow! Nice place!" or should I be like "F****** B****!" I just said "It's cute." -- Don't knock me for being a guy that says "cute"

Anyway, that's not what my confusion is over. My wife left me a little over a month ago, and she straight up wanted a divorce. No counseling, no chance for reconcilliating, no separation, no nothing. Just like that--I want a divorce. After much begging, she finally agreed to go to a counseling appointment where she simply "let me have it" in front of the counselor. She just tore into me and tore me apart. That was the single most devastating hour of my life. Most of the things she was saying, I had never heard before...problems with me she's had since day 1 of our marriage. She never communicated these things to me, and I was in utter shock! After much retrospect, I agree with her on a lot of things. I know that I had as much to do with the breakdown of our marriage as her. She has since agreed to a legal separation instead of going straight to the divorce. But even at the appointment with my attourney, she told me that she was only agreeing to the separation to keep from hurting me any further (as if that makes any sense.) ANYWAY... enough history (you can read my previous posts if you want more detail).

I have continued to go to counseling since that first appointment by myself. My counselor has asked me to invite my wife to every subsequent appointment, and my wife has refused. I think I've been about 6 times by myself, and had given up hope.

Earlier today, I lined up a sitter for our son for Monday night (that's when my appointment is) as I do for every appointment--just in case a miracle happens and she decides to go. So, when I was picking my son up, I told my wife of the appointment, and that I had a sitter, and told her I would like it if she would go with me. She replied by saying "What would we talk about?" I said "I don't know" And then she didn't answer. We said goodbye, and as I was getting into the car, she yelled after me... "I'll go!"

What? She said she would go! I don't know what she's thinking...I can't believe that she would even consider it...Why did she agree to go...Is she just going to berate me in front of the counselor again... Yeah. Millions of questions. I know that none of you have any answers, because you are not her. But what are your opinions?

[cindy0039]

One scenario is that she could have decided to go to the counselor with you to give you a chance to say whatever you have to say to her (and vice versa) with a third party there so there won't be any arguing. It's hard for us to say what her intent is without seeing the dynamics of your relationship with her now. I mean, do you guys discuss anything more than surface level? If so, does the discussion get heated?

Sometimes when people are going through the breakup of a relationship, counseling is a good idea just to be able to have a professional's perspective on things. Or to help sort through unresolved issues between the two; i.e., maybe things relating to your son and the future. Who knows. Could be any number of reasons.

Good luck.

[desperate]

I mean, do you guys discuss anything more than surface level? If so, does the discussion get heated?

No, I think every time we get into a discussion, she gets annoyed. Pretty much every one of our conversations gets heated (to some extent). It's usually me explaining that our marriage doesn't have to be over because we haven't even tried to make it work yet, and her responding with "I've had this conversation 500 times and I don't want to have it anymore!"

She knows exactly what I want in this relationship. She knows that the only reason I would invite her to counseling is because I want to work this out. She completely knows where I stand.

It is her that is enigmatic in this situation... I wish I was able to take a trip through her brain. Wouldn't that be cool?

[cindy0039]

Okay, so you've made it completely clear to her what YOU want. Hasn't she made it completely clear to you what SHE wants...dissolution of your marriage? She probably gets frustrated and mad because you seem to be not listening to her. Maybe that's why she decided to go to the counseling session with you, to try to get through to you with the help of the counselor. You need to really listen to the words that she's saying and start accepting them. If you just keep pushing for your own agenda, you may just succeed in pushing her further away.

[2SidestoStories]

Cindy has a pretty valid point; I know that in my case the only kind of counseling I'm willing to do with my soon-to-be-ex has to do with being effective parents in separate homes for them. In other words, the next-best scenario for them, since there is absolutely no way that I can be with him, and will NOT stay with him "for the children." (Both of you who have posted here are plenty familiar with my situation.) However, I would also suggest that you allow for her to say what she needs to say, because it may not be what you expect to hear.

Be glad that she is willing to talk with you. Be glad that she has agreed to come with you to this session. Prepare yourself for the unknown, since that is what you can depend upon.