Marinamey03 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I’m 32 and I’ve never had a relationship with a man except for a short time with a sexual narcissist. I was almost on the way to full recovery when I met a good man online. We connected emotionally and intellectually. I became optimistic and happy once again. We maintained a long distance “getting-to-know-you” phase for 4 months. Then we decided to meet. It was everything I imagined and more. I loved being with him. We became exclusive and committed. We made it a point to see each other every seven weeks. Albeit long distance, we were happy just having one another and we were looking forward to a future of being together long term. I started to realize he might not be prince charming six months into the relationship. I know it’s normal when the rose colored glasses start to come off. Although they are not major deal breakers, I started to question if he is the right man for me. He’s sweet, trusting, loyal and caring. On one hand, he can be moody, self righteous, impatient, cheap and selfish. I tried to shrug it off as I know nobody is perfect. Unfortunately for me, I tend to harbor these feelings. This may have caused me to emotionally detach from him slowly. It didn’t help that we also have issues in the bedroom. I was a virgin until I met him. I started having doubts as to our sexual compatibility because I often feel pain when we have sex. It became difficult for us to have an intimate relationship in more ways than one. I also started to feel that I’m becoming less sexually attracted to him. How is it possible to be blasé about being physically intimate with my boyfriend when I haven’t seen him in months? Despite all this, our relationship was healthy on the whole. We had plans for me to live with him as I was planning to quit my job. He was grateful that I was willing to make that sacrifice for our relationship because he knew he cannot give up his life to move and be with me where I live. He said he will financially support me to an extent because I cannot work where he lives. We were waiting for this. This arrangement kept us going. The longest we were apart was four months in winter because of my work obligations right before I was due to quit my job. Something happened in the four months we were apart. He started to have doubts. He used to be so into me and the relationship. Now he’s starting to wonder if he’s better off alone. The thought of being responsible for someone scares him. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to be married. He doesn’t want kids. He said he’s unsure of what he feels for me now. I’m supposed to be with him for 3 months this month. He said he doesn’t know if he’ll regain the strong feelings he used to have for me again. He wanted to make sure I don’t expect our living together to lead into anything permanent or committed. Then again, he’s not ruling that out. He’s hoping the three months will give us clarity and know for sure if the relationship is worth pursuing. He told me to look at it as a three-month vacation in a foreign country. I thought it was our chance to be together. He’s also telling me not to rely on him financially. He says we lost our intimacy. We feel more like friends. We lost the special spark, chemistry, sexual connection. I almost broke up with him and he almost broke up with me. Right now, we are back on track. I still feel though that he changed the terms after the plans were laid in place. He became unwilling to sacrifice for our relationship and he’s only willing to have me because it doesn’t put a cramp on his life. I, on the other hand, stand to lose a lot. I’ll live with him without a job, income, friends, family and without anything to do. I’ll only have him. His life isn’t going to change except for having a second person in his apartment. He admitted he is a commitment phobe. He also says he doesn’t need people in his life. He still tells me he loves me. I asked him how he can love someone and think about giving her up half the time. He cried and said I’m right. He feels sorry. He regrets sabotaging the relationship. He’s always been that way in his past relationships though. He always questions if it’s good for him. He lets the doubt grow. He feels it’s self-sabotage. We’re still together and we’re still trying to make it work. I’m bracing myself for a big letdown. It hurts to know that he is downgrading the commitment. That he is taking his words back. I don’t know what to do. Is it still worth it?
betterdeal Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Sounds like you guys have a communication issue. Your lover's behaviour is pretty common, and it probably comes down to not knowing how to communicate effectively. The good thing is he's brought up his feelings before you moved in. It's not too late to hold back on that, is it? Given his and your doubts expressed above, what do you think is the best way forward regards the move? Continue? Cancel? Delay? You also say he feels he's not ready to be responsible for another person. Just how far does that responsibility go and, specifically, how much responsibility for you do you want him to take, ideally? I'd recommend you both look for some support material on relationships and do some research, independently of each other. The Idiots Guide to Relationships is reported to be a good book and as good a starting point as any.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 IMO, i would run if he admits he is a commitment phobe. you mentioned a lot of reasons why this relationship will not work. i think there's no use beating a dead horse if there is lack of intimacy, attraction is lost, recurring or growing doubts, etc. are you keeping this relationship to prove that it will work, for the sake of having a partner or because you love him?
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