I dont see why she should really have to change the person who she is
Why ever not? I am not at all in agreement with this 'people shouldn't change themselves' stuff; at least not the way it's used here. It is correct in your case - you shouldn't have to stifle your views and walk around on eggshells but people who are aggressive, unkind, or have other such flaws should change themselves if they possibly can. And often they can.
I agree that your GF probably has deep-seated personality issues that would take a lot of therapy to change, but her behaviour is not acceptable and therefore it is changeworthy.
Having said that, I still think you should leave. Tell her why and suggest she get therapy and maybe she'll eventually be able to behave in a way that is conducive to having a relationship.
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
I do believe we should all be given the opportunity to change, noone is perfect and especially in realtionships compromise is very important...and as important as it is to love one partners positves it is also important to be able to accept and understand their negatives and help them with there negatives.
Even tonight I have decided not to go to her parents and to meet with a friend, and she now does want to be picked up from work, and she has made me feel like I hate her family, hate her, and , well I should basically go to hell.
This is what frustrates me. Her family has had the whole flower / chocolate /wine treatment from me, I think I actually help out more in the house than all the male members put together, wash dishes, help with hoovering, help with the little members, help with odd-jobs around the house, give family members lifts in the car,and then when once or twice in the week I want some time to myself, I am the worst guy in the world - and its not like I am even stopping her from seeing her family as much as she wants.
Once a week for 30 minutes I go to see my mother, and If I am 15 min late, I am again the worst and most uncaring guy in the world.
I literally have to nearly watch every move I make, and this is really stressfull.....
Then I might her ask her why she is so annoyed, and she gets even more annoyed for me asking the question and questioning if she really likes me ?!!!
Dude, I don't think the signs could be any more clearer. You have gotten some awesome advice from this thread, so what are you waiting for? The more you stay with her, the more she breaks you down.
Yes, it is hard to leave someone when you share the same friends and genuinely like their family members, etc but a lot of us are in that boat A LOT. The sooner you put the relationship out of it's misery the sooner you can heal and move on. It's going to hurt no matter what path you choose. If you choose to stay, you're hurt in the longrun. If you leave, you have a chance to be who you really are with someone who will love you back the same way.
Take from this experience and learn from it. Relationships aren't easy and always have consequences but we learn from them and it helps us develop a sense of self and what we will and will not tolerate in a partner. You now know what you DON'T want in a partner so the flip side of that is what you do want in a person. So go out and find her!! In the meantime, heal your heart and you'll thank yourself in the future.
__________________
"Your second chance makes a brilliant first impression
on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
Thanks for the tips and good advice. Relationships sure can be tough....... She knows now that I have doubts and basically all night last night we have been discussing it, and alot more talking will need to be done today.
I feel happy that I have taken the first step in actually talking about it with her, that has taken alot of the stress away. I know now for definet that its not only my own happiness that is important but also hers.
She wants to give it a second chance and she is willing to change...... I do believe in second chances.... I think its worth considering... I think I will know by tonight how I feel about the situation.....however even if she does change...i question if she will just end up bottling her feelings and will just be unhappy...and if anthing I wonder if bottling her feelings will only make her temper worse and make her unhappy to.
It can be very difficult for people to change something like this on their own. She may benefit from an anger management course or some counselling if she genuinely wants to change. Be warned, though, that it is typical for abusive people to swear remorse and vow they will change - and it lasts for a short while and then they go back to the same old patterns. This is called the 'honeymoon' phase. Read about the 'Cycle of Abuse' on the following link and know the signs. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm
Last edited by moimeme; 8th October 2003 at 11:04 AM..
The link does sound very familiar. Thanks for posting it. No matter what the outcome is i think I have come to terms with one very important fact and that is that I have accepted that this relationship may not work, and that I must make sure I dont hang on for the wrong reasons, insecurity, convenience, money etc....
And it seems like i am at my wits end, cause she feels like i do...that she can't always come to me with her issues or feelings in this relationship and together we walk down the path called "EGGSHELLS" but it is hard to listen to someone who won't give you that same atention, i used to, but the more i listened the more i had to repress my feelings, the more i repressed, the worse and unhappy i got, it's madness and now we are 4 months away from 2years and i wonder if this foundation can be fixed can it be built on?she pissed anytime i want to express my unhappiness, i have heard everything "are you done" "Cry me a river" and i really feel that is her insecurity coming out, and the only difference from her to me is that i can admit my mistakes i can tell you openly why i do some things and how i am knowledgeable about what changes need to happen and openly apologize without a fight, but not her and i see that in my parents, you try so hard to make somebody happy and the more you do the, themore they tell you how this or that isn't right, and its nagging as if life wasn't hard enought...there has been some huge turbulent fights, three times it got physical, twice by me and once by her and i just dont want to quit, but i know what my parents have and that is the same thing i grew up seeing, it's a sick cycle, i want to be able to still look at her 20yrs down the road and say we still did it and laugh,and things have gotten better, better in the sense that it has gone into remission for another couple months and then back to the same heartache, same dissapointments, etc...i see potential still, crazy huh? only god knows, but something has to give...and i am really just trying to be me now and do my part and communicate to the best of my ability and i think that will show over time based off of her reactions what step i take next....good luck and it's good to know that i am not the only one
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
WOW..totally relate
Linear Mode
