[sean001]

I posted this on the friends and lovers forum but realized it is probably more appropriate here. I dated a woman for 2 years in a very awkward, yet close relationship (we called it a friendship). We were uncommitted, but she would often sleep over my house, occasionally we would sleep together, and the she was extremely kind and unconditionally caring.

In the beginning, I told her that I was not ready for a relationship and she was ok with that. However, about 6 months later, she told me she fell in love with me, but also around that same time I suffered a series of personal tragedies (sudden death of a friend and my father) and I was not ready for a commitment. I warned her that if she had strong feelings it might not be healthy for us to hang out.

Nevertheless, she stayed around and was fantastic. I certainly wanted her around and could not have imagined any other woman that could have been there for me. However, I often emphasized that I was heartbroken due to the losses I had suffered and I could not commit.

Eventually, she found out I was dating, got jealous, and one day got up and left. I was absolutely devastated and all the feelings I had suppressed for her came to the surface.

About a week later I went to her with the idea of trying a committed relationship. I told her how I felt and that I really wanted to work on something meaningful between us. She reluctantly agreed.

Unfortunately, from the moment she agreed, she has treated me like dirt. I made many steps to show my commitment, such as giving her the keys to my apartment, etc., yet she acts like she doesn't want me around.

She tells me that she was heartbroken by me before and that she is having a hard time falling in love again. She also seems to resent me for the time that she was there and I was not ready for a committed relationship. She says it was "so hard" for her to walk away and then I had to throw this "monkey wrench" into her plans. She also says that she feels like she got rejected so many times.

We've talked to death the issue, but I just don't know exactly what to do. I've tried being the nice guy by being there, calling her, stopping by her place, helping her with things, but it kills me inside every time I am with her because she is ice cold -- totally the opposite of the way she used to be.

I told myself that if things don't change by this weekend that I'm just going to have to sit down (again) and talk to her. I really don't know what this could accomplish, but I'm at a loss for what to do. Do I just back away and pray she misses me? Or do I continue to keep seeing her? Of course I am worried that if I back away she will think I am leaving and she will just move on. I truly love her and hope that things can work between us, but I'm almost convinced that it got "spoiled" by 2 years of uncommitted dating where she got hurt. Any advice?

[2SidestoStories]

This is likely going to sound really calculating, but what I would do is sit down with YOU (not her as yet) and establish what you want out of a committed relationship. Feelings aside, what are the key elements of a relationship that you are looking for. Not in your partner, let me emphasize this again; in the relationship itself. Making a serious list of your own wants and needs from WHOMEVER your relationship may be with is something that may help to put your entire situation into perspective for you.

Don't get me wrong; I completely understand that emotions cloud reason, and so forth. But from the sound of things, you didn't realize what you had until it walked out the door. This means your tactical error could be avoided again if you can sit and recognize that you took for granted the elements of a committed partnership that you may have had with this lady.

I'm not saying that this will necessarily affect your possible relationship with her, but I'm also not saying it wouldn't. Perhaps once you have your list sorted out, you could share some of it with her, if she chooses to listen to you. I will assume based on your history with her that she will be most hesitant to believe you're committed to the prospect of a true monogamous relationship. You must SHOW her, not just say, "But really, I've changed!" The burden of proof is on you.

Good luck!

[sean001]

Thank you for your kind reply. I actually examined the situation very carefully before floating the idea to her to try a committed relationship. I am at a point where this is something I want, and I want it with her. We used to get along so well and it only seemed right. That was, of course, until "we" agreed to try this.

But now she has an immense amount of resentment -- she even said that she resents me for wanting to try a relationship after she worked so hard to move on from me. Whether it is justified or not, it is destroying the prospect of anything moving forward. I wish it would move forward, but it does not seem to be happening. At this point, I really don't think it is up to me anymore.

[Velvet Eel]

Although you're trying "a committed relationship" right now--something she said she wanted--I can see why she would resent this shift in tactic, and possibly not trust your motives. I'd give it another two weeks before you talk with her again. Maybe even a month. Be loving and consistent. When she treats you badly, just take it. When she picks a fight, give in quickly. Let her win. Give her some space. But when you're with her, treat her like a queen. She may get her resentment out of her system. Surely she will appreciate being "right," when she's been trying to bring you around to her point of view for years.

If her manner toward you doesn't change, if she doesn't begin to feel bad about the way she's behaving toward this sweet and loving guy, then you can sit down and talk. Don't bring up what a prince you've been all month. Just ask her how she feels about the relationship. You'll probably learn all you need to know from that conversation.

[sean001]

I totally agree. I poured it on for a while, but at this point, it's not about "my" feelings -- it's got to only be about hers. My attitude has to be of gratitude that she would give this a chance (even though she said it in words, not her heart -- and even though she has really been very hurtful over the last week).

I also completely agree that we should not talk for a while. But I wonder, how do I stay "consistent" and "give her space" after being at her place almost every night for the last couple weeks and talking every day. By pulling away, will she think I'm totally unpredictable? In our last conversation I left it as "I understand your hurt... take your time... i'll be here if you want me to be..." I spent no time on my feelings. My plan is simply to not initiate anything unless she does, but I also want her to know I'm serious about this at the same time. Any suggestions?

[lonelygirl2003]

You said that you had to take two years to get through with your problems meanwhile she fell in love with you and stood by your side for that long while you showed her no response. Have you ever considered that it might be that she is trying to see if you have the same committment for her. If you stay by her side and just give her time, then maybe she'll come around.
I'm sure that she is very afraid of feeling that undrescribable pain that you feel inside when you lose the love of your life and wants to make sure that you are for real about your feelings. She is probably uncertain about whether you are sure about your love for her or if it will change when she does give her heart back.
My advice is just give her more time and don't let her go. The best things in life are worth waiting for.

[sean001]

Also agree -- in fact, she told me as much that she is confused and does not believe my sudden "change of heart." That's why, at first, I poured it all on -- staying with her every night.... giving her the keys to my apartment... thinking that would be a sign that I was *serious*... but my keys sat on her kitchen table where they were placed and she hasn't touched them. I really got the impression by always coming around that I was making matters worse.... that her heart was all over the place with this guy suddenly always being there after she worked hard to let me go -- like it was torture for her.

Somewhere there has to be a balance of "being by her side" (to prove my commitment)... while also "giving her space" (because she acts like she doesn't want me around). I don't know where that balance is, but my guess is that it rests with being there anytime she asks me to be, responding any time she calls or writes... but not smothering her by forcing contact. Any thoughts on how to strike that balance?

[lonelygirl2003]

You are headed on the right track, but instead of just being there when she calls, writes, or asks you to be, make sure that she knows that you aren't just going on with your life and are just there when she needs you. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her no matter what and that you want to be there all the time.
You can do this by leaving a little note saying that you are thinking about her or by leaving a message on her answering machine saying that you care and miss being with her. Just don't smother her, she needs her space to sort things out in her mind and heart also.
I don't know you or her, but I've been there and I have a feeling that she really does love you and given the time, space and love that things will work out for you just fine.
You have to really love her or you wouldn't be here seeking advice, I know this, so don't let your mind take over your heart. Let your heart lead the way and be patient.

[Velvet Eel]

Hmm. This is really tough. Maybe you should just try to be patient. Pull back just a little. If you typically call her three times a day, call once or twice, for example. Say and do loving things, but be a little less available. She's definitely asking for some space, and the distance will give her time to miss you and to build up some kind of pleasurable anticipation about your next contact.

You'll have to ask her outright whether spending every night together is too much, though, because that's a major decision. You do risk looking less committed--or like you're playing games--if you just suddenly pull away on your own. Don't be needy or critical when you ask this. You could make a joke of it, maybe, but don't put yourself down. You want to seem (and be) thoughtful and accomodating, but not cringing and unconfident.

It sounds as if she's reeling, and really doesn't know what to think or do. You can't control every aspect of this. But if you're patient and careful, at least you'll be able to congratulate yourself on making a serious try at this.

[wiseluv34]

i'm in a similiar situation as you and your girlfriend, and i think she do still love you, because if she didn't...SHE WOULD'NT BE THERE.right? and for you question a/b should you contact her, i think you should just be there for her, and don't make the mistake of slacking off on your feelings for her again. she's hurt, apparently, and it's hard to trust someone that has hurt you, and stepped on your feelings. she needs time to sort out her feelings, so just give her the time she needs. ask her what it is that she expects for you to do? she have taken you back, right? P.S. to be truthful...the right thing for your girlfriend to do, is to FORGIVE YOU, and leave your mistakes in the past. if she keeps bringing up the past, it'll never work. let her know that people do change for the better (meaning you). relay this message to her, and keep me informed..good luck.

[sean001]

thanks, eel. It is tough. We talk normally once a day, but since we live only ten minutes apart, the phone conversations usually consist of one of us telling the other we're coming over. Although today our only contact was over email and it consisted of her telling me she resents me and is struggling, and me telling her that I understand her pain, take her time, and I'll be there if she wants me to be. She never wrote me back but I know she had plans tonight and we probably wouldn't talk or see each other.

Having that email exchange makes it easier to "pull back" because I put the ball in her court, so-to-speak. But she has a big event coming up this weekend at her house and I know she is going to be busy preparing. The question is whether or not I offer to help out at this point (I was planning to, although we never really discussed it).

I'm torn between wanting to show I'm willing to help out with things that are important to her--and crowding her when it's obvious she needs space. We still have a couple days until then, so it might not be an issue.

[sean001]

oops, sorry wiseluv, u posted urs right as i was typing up the reply to eel... I know she still loves me... and that's why this hurts so much for her to have her heart all over the place and to feel so uncertain. She did "take me back" in words alone -- but not in her heart. That's the whole dilemma.

I appreciate your good words and your hope -- can I give you her email address so you can mention that to her? j/k

[wiseluv34]

yes, sean...you can give my email address to your g/f. if i can help her, that'd make me proud. see, maybe u can help me, i was set up with a really great guy, but he's been through a hurtful marriage, a 8yr marriage. well, we became very close and started spending lots of time together, then all of a sudden..when we were getting very close..he pulled back. he told me we should take some "time" apart. well, that's what we're doing. i like him alot. he's told me that he likes me, too, and he isn't seeing anyone else. should i wait on him? because i've been hurt alot too, and i'm now able to move on from a guy with issues (he say's he's going through alot right now, but we're still friends, but he haven't called me since this happened. he said we were' moving too fast), what do u think a/b this?....
well, one of my friends is setting me up with a new guy soon, i just have to protect my own feelings.
P.S.
and yes, tell your girlfriend to email me. she need to ask God to deliver her from the past. she's already taken you back, and you're doing good by proving your true love for her!

[sean001]

hi wise... hmmmm on ur situation, i probably would need a few more details, such as how long did you guys see each other? Is he still married? If you invested some time in the situation (more than a few months) than it would seem only fair that you are due a more thorough explanation.

Going through breakups can be ROUGH. And there is a possibility that he knows he is not ready for a commitment, saw you were getting close, and realized he is not emotionally capable of handling it right now. In that sense, it is a nice move on his part to protect you from pain. However, if you persist in asking, keep in mind that you may not like the answer. Sometimes when relationships are still pretty fresh and new (and it hasn't gone to a deeper level) it's easier to come up with a vague reason to break things off because the deeper level of communication is not there.

But if you really felt a strong connection with this person, than you at least owe it to yourself to find out what the answer is, but in the meantime still protect yourself by being available to meet other people.

[Velvet Eel]

I see your difficulty about the plans this weekend. The next time she calls or emails you, you could just let her know you're happy to help if she needs you. Keep tossing that ball right back in her court.

It's good about the silence tonight, only the email exchange. This sounds like the kind of space she needs, and you're allowing her to have it.