[jezebelle]

Help me please....

I just broke up with the only guy i've ever been with (he's 22, i'm 21)...we were together for three years...engaged...the whole thing. But there were too many problems...he has a gambling addiction that caused us to be evicted from our apartment, his parents and friends always came first, he can't hold a job...too many things to list, too many wounds to count...I was holding myself back from things i wanted to accomplish because I was with him. Anyway, I finally told him it was over, but he doesn't seem to realize that. He won't stop calling, emailing, or instant messaging me. He came by my work and brought me flowers (he's never given me flowers until now) and didn't seem to understand that I couldn't talk to him, I was at work and can't leave my desk. He stll calls me our nicknames and says he loves me...when he talks to me he acts like nothing has happened and we're still together. I finally said please stop, please give me some space...i know it's only been a week but i feel like i can hardly breathe! I'm trying as hard as i can to get my life together and (dreaded words) figure things out...i really want to be friends, but i can't let him pretend everything is still okay...please help, our breakup has been a huge mess...i could really use the advice from people who've been here.

[clia]

Block his phone number, e-mail address, and IM address. If he does get through, do not e-mail him back, do not call him back, get off the phone in 10 seconds. Be unresponsive.

Tell the receptionist (if there is one) or security officer at your work not to let him in to see you.

Finally, tell him if he does not leave you alone that you will go to the police and get a restraining order.

A few suggestions if you have not already done these:

tell him why it is over and that it is too late to fix things by changing because your emotions have changed.
He will need closure to stop. Answer his questions and allow him to understand why he can't fix it.

tell him nicely that you do not want to lose respect for him, and you may if he does not respect your wishes of not being smothered

if it has only been a week, it will take some time for it to sink in for him if he did not see it coming. he thought he was going to marry you. while he should not smother you with daily contacts, he may need two or three weeks for this to sink in with an occasional phone contact. not months.

be specific to him about your needs--if you don't want him to come to work you have to specifically say don't come to work, you have to say the same for e-mail AND say it again for phone, again for IM, same for snail-mail, etc.

allow hime to say goodbye in person and allow him to know when the last communication is occurring.

a restraining order and security are a bit extreme and should only be a last resort.