|
Guest
|
cheating - losing trust
I've been with my wife 9 years, married 5. My divorce date is 9/8/03. Exactly 1 month after our 5 year anniversary?! I finally decided to file for divorce because of the cheating. This was the 4th time that I found out about it and I just can't forgive or forget anymore. Most people would say, 4 times! What are you thinking, stupid? Well, when you love somebody, and you are committed to a marriage, you don't give up. You do whatever it takes, including blaming yourself for the actions of your spouse. So for me to 'get over it' and move on, I decided to get even. When the opportunity arose, I grabbed it by the horns and of course she found out, but Hey I was thinking- 'a tit for a tat.' You cheat, I cheat. We got it out of our system- let's call it truce & move on. So we thought.
Anyways, a year later, boom, AGAIN. Found out through a friend, my wife's been screwing around. It just killed me. I'm thinking to myself, WHAT the hell am I doing or not doing to make her do this. BLAME, BLAME, BLAME. That's what I did. BLAME myself for why it was happening. What can I do to make it better. So counseling occurs, long talks, giving myself to whatever need she requested. All is fine & dandy, but Deep inside, it still burnt. And you may forgive, but you don't forget. And it happened again. Next chance I got the opportunity, I cheated on her. Not once but twice more because I just wanted to GET fu**ing EVEN! Well that made me feel better, but when she found out----poof!
She moved out of the house and I thought we were done- The big 'D' was coming my way, and I have no one to blame but ME! I was so crushed! What I hated the most about her, I did right back and it came full force in my face. I decided THAT WAS IT!! I am going to stop this crap right now and be the best husband in the entire world. This cheating stuff is OVER!! We're growing up and moving on. I love you more than anything in this world and I am going to prove it by letting you do whatever the hell you want and I will wait for us to be together again. Months go by, and I give her all the breathing room in the world. I have no one to blame but myself for what has happened, so I take it in the chin. She moves out, lives by herself, goes out with other guys, other friends, cheats on me again. But who cares, I deserve it!
We reconcile on our 4th anniversary, seek counseling, talk, love each other, buy a new house, life is GOOD! We were finally DONE with the cheating BUG that infected us for so long. Happily ever after was just around the corner. 8 months of bliss and I start getting this weird, but familiar feeling in my stomach once more. I've felt this before, I know what it is, but I can't put my hands on it. It can't be! She wouldn't! But why is my 6th sense telling me otherwise. She says, she needs some room to 'become herself.' So I decide to take a road trip for a few weeks to let her 'breathe.' And lo & behold, while I'm visiting her brother, I come across an e-mail from her to her new lover. Every internal organ in my body shut down. I was in complete shock, disbelief; but at the same time, it was so familiar that it almost felt normal. I immediately called her up calm & collect, asked her about who she was seeing. She outright denied & lied about it so I started reading her the e-mail. She shut down in an instant and I told her we're getting divorced. We are a DONE DEAL BABY. She acted like she could care less. So over the next couple of months and to this date, I am still heart-broken. She acts like, it is no big deal. That hurts. Marriage was so important to me, and I take it seriously.
When cheating happens repeatedly, you can only get smacked in the face so many times until you decide to remove yourself from the situation. I myself could care less about the sex. Who cares? It's just sex, and when your comfortable with yourself, you can get over it. The problem that I had, that I could NOT forget about, was the TRUST issue. When your best friend, lover, spouse, the person you give yourself to and trust with all of your being repeatedly lies to you, it rips your insides out. When the trust is gone, the relationship is OVER. Remember that, There is no coming back once it starts. If you have a loved one that decides to stray- don't be me. It doesn't get better. People don't change. Get the hell out, and let them go. It will come back to bite you in the ass if you don't. My pain and hurt will go away in time and believe me I wish she would feel, even for an instant, how I do right now. But my one consolation in all this is that my EX has to live with herself. AND THAT MY FRIEND, is pain that is going to last her ENTIRE LIFETIME!!! Because she is spending her entire life looking for love everywhere else but insider her own heart.
|
Linear Mode
