[EllieJ]

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 17 years, We have 3 children, 1 Grandchild and another on the way. I thought we were happy but apparently he did not. I found out about 6 months ago that he was having an affair. I found out when she called me and told me to take care of my husband. She called me to spite him because he was trying to break it off with her. She told me this.
I can't stop thinking about it and I do not know how to try to get over it. I have been in counseling and am on medication. I forget about it for a while then something reminds of it and then I dwell on it constantly. What can I do to get over it? (Or to at least not dwell on it so much)
Also, when I first found out about the affair, my husband was courting me all over again. Now that he has me (or thinks he does) he has stopped. I do not know how to tell him that I am not happy now. He never wants to discuss anything to do with the affair. As far as he is concerned it is over and there is no need to talk about it anymore. After all this time I still really don't know why except there were never any clean towels or soda in the fridge when he wanted it and she convinced him that I had a boyfriend ( I DIDN'T) because I spent a lot of money.
I would love to hear from women that have been through this and men who have done it. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
EllieJ

[BadMan]

Dump his butt and move on. My father did that to my Mother and she is all messed up about it still.
If she had just broke it off with him right away she would have been better off. Don'y let him get away with it.
Just my opinion. I don't believe in second chances with this stuff.

[onepettyone]

HI!, I'm going through something similar, except I think yours might be worse because you were together longer. I have been with my husband for 6 years but we've only been married a year in June. I found out he was having an affair. It turned out to be a girl I know, and she's a total skank, so I have NO SELF ESTEEM now. The affair only lasted 3 weeks and he told me that he was in love with her and he had never met anyone like her in his life. I threw him out, and he came back, then within a week I threw him out again for treating me like I was the one that did something wrong.

When he came back the 2nd time, he was totally sincere (in my opinoin) and he was so glad I took him back and that he was sorry for what he did and blah blah blah. The problem is, she lives 4 blocks away and I live in a small town where I have to look at here almost daily. I can't get it out of my head, and he seems to think I'M the insane one for dwelling on it. I really don't know what to tell you except that I, personally, think that my husband will do it again, no matter how much he says he won't.

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and that it's not your fault. Soda and towels??? He should have so lucky to have that be the only problem. There are women who cheat on good men, and don't cook or clean and spend their money on drugs! Hang in there, but if you're like me, I think you'll never get over it. I'm a basket case about it.

Take care, and good luck, Dodi

[GIZMO]

I personally think, once a cheater always a cheater..
You have one life to life, and by letting this man sleep with other woman, then coming back to you saying how sorry he was blah blah blah will make up for it! Well it will not..

You are too good to let this man treat you that way.. If anything, teach him a lesson and kick his butt out of the house for awhile and make him realize what you mean to him..

If you take this man back so soon, then he will think it is okay to do it again.

[sonofhud]

No one truely loves you if they cheat on you....Its unbearable hard to do, but you must not forgive him. You need to break it up with him and try to move on. You will be happier in the long run.

[Been there]

EllieJ Please do not leave your marriage. This happened to me a little over two years ago. My husband did not like to talk about what he did either. As long as you are sure he is not cheating anymore don't leave him. However he needs to open up and talk and let you know why he did this and yes you both need to keep the romance alive you need to cort each other all the time and make each other number 1 in your lives as long as he is willing to do these things it will all work out. Please listen to me I've been there and there is no truth to once a cheater always a cheater each case is different. You must find out the reasons why he did what he did. He must be sorry for what he did and account for his time now. Six months is nothing in the healing stage, hell it's over 2 years for me and I still have pain, but my husband has made it possible for me to forgive him. Please keep contact with me and I hope i can be of help I know the pain and confusion you are feeling.

[LadyX]

I'd let him go....he says he cheated on you because there were no clean towels or drinks in the fridge? Cheaters always have a way of switching around the blame, don't they? If this woman told him you were cheating, because you spent alot of money....he should have asked you about it instead of having an affair. If you don't end it, you better be on top of that housework, you wouldn't want to give him another excuse to cheat.

[mixedup1]

I have not cheated, but have been cheated on when I knew nothing was really wrong. Or I should say I had no idea that an affair could be happening. I feel your pain. Only if a person has been cheated on and is totally devoted to the spouse who cheated, the pain is a pain that can't be described in words. I think it's as close if not worse than the feeling you get when a loved one dies. It's a helpless, gut wrenching, demeaning, insult, humiliation, well, you name it, if it hurts its there as the pain. I can't get over it either. I wish I could tell you how to do it. At least your husband has stopped. My wife just keeps screwing this guy...but ya were gonna get a divorce, which is another type of pain. But let me tell ya, I feel for anyone who is in this situation and has been hurt by a cheating spouse. Once is ENOUGH, more than that---unbearable....life will be miserable for some time. You may want to talk to a psychologist or someone just to get the feelings out. It sure would be nice if these spouses who cheat on their so called loved one would have the decency to talk about it. But the guilt they feel is great and they too are depressed and are having a hard time. Communication is the key to get things out in the open. Denial and the blame game will make things only worse.

I wish life was easier, if we could only turn time back or take a forget the problem pill, hehe....nah, we all gain some kind of strength in dealing with the hardships of life. Unfortunately you never think its going to be comming from the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with and whom you love more than anything. Man, I get so frustrated at this, very hard to deal with. Yes, little things remind me too of the affair, and you talk about boiling blood, Its a good thing I have a conscience, or my wifes lover would be 6 feet under. So should she, but, I am a forgiving person too. You have to forgive and understand what made your husband do this....if you want to stay with him. Don't let him get away with it and treat it like its no big deal. Thats psychological abuse, and it will drive you nuts. I would do some research and put pieces together and see if you had anything to do with it...driving him to pursue an affair. Dr. Harley, has some exellent stuff on the web. It takes two to tango, and believe me sister, nothing you could have done would justify him having an affair. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe anything justifies having an affair while still married. But I realised I did not give my wife enough attention, emotional and physical. But that doesnt justify her affair. It helped me to understand why she did what she is still doing but were done, as good as anyways. Your not, your husband stopped. That is good. Now try to work it out. Maybe you won't be able to get it out of your head, but time does heal, you will never forget about it but you may not feel that pain as much down the road. I would be suspicious, but also try to gain your trust back in him. He needs to work on some issues too, no question about that. I am sorry, wish I had a cure for this pitiful disease a lot of people have. I really do. Until next time good luck and god bless.

[cenilla]

It takes time to heal. All of your feelings are normal. you were cheated on, you were betrayed...You are in pain, if you ignore the injury or expect it to heal overnight, you may do yourself much worse damage than what you have already suffered.

I know you dont want a divorce. After 17 Years, he is a major part of your life, children, grandchildren, extended families...all the bad times and good times, ...a home a family you build together...

"once a cheater, always cheater?" Not every cheater is the same, not evey affair is the same. there are 3 different typies of affairs:

1. just a fling: the man has no intention to leave his wife, he just didnt practice self-discipline and moral at that moment, but afterwards, he felt guilty to his family and his wife
2. long-term affair: maybe started as a fling, but has developed into a long-term relationship, a lot of emotional investiment...
3. Serial-killer: these kind of men are constantly having affairs. always have new woman on the side. they were never be able to honor their wives and their marriage vow.

If your husband just had a fling, but had no intention to leave you for the other woman, and if you still love him, then, forgive him and try to build the trust again.

Your husband doesnt wanna mention it again, as he feels guilty and embarassed. But you do need to discuss with him, ask him, what does he need from a new lover that you are not providing, is it romance, spontaneity, more time together, openness, or emotional support? explore the possibilties to improve your marriage...After 17 years together, do you take each other for granted? are there boredoms growing day by day? tell him you cherish your marriage and are willing to forgive him and work things out,....but after you both sort your thoughts clear, and a reach an agreement about how you will move on, then, the case is sealed, let bygone be bygone, dont ever mention this again just as he wished.

It is possilbe to survive from infidelity and make marriage stronger and happier. If your husband is a decent guy, he will appreciate your forgivness and respect you for that. I was told that if you cook for a man, he only gives you 1 score, but if you forgive him for the mistake he made, he gives you 40 scores. so, handle it wisely. forgive him and but dont forget the lesson you both learn.

Many people suggest you leave your husband and move on, I believe these are young groups. after 17 years marriage, you are emotionally and financial bound together, Can you really leave everything behind and move on if you leave him? think it again.

I am not married and have no experience about Infidelity, but just my 2 Cents, take it or leave it.

[LadyX]

Originally posted by cenilla
Many people suggest you leave your husband and move on, I believe these are young groups.

I am 35 years old and was married 14 years. But I feel if he refuses to discuss it, and turns the blame on her for such lame reasons....she's better off without him.

[cenilla]

Originally posted by LadyX
I am 35 years old and was married 14 years. But I feel if he refuses to discuss it, and turns the blame on her for such lame reasons....she's better off without him.

Everyone's situation is different. I've met people who got divorced after 25 years of marriage.

Actually, I admire you for walking away from him, it takes confidence and courage. Not every woman has such self-respect and self esteem. Here is an another story:

Catherine, 35 yrs old, her husband cheats on her all the time. First, he got involved with one of his employees(he is a hopeless liar, at first, he told me the girl was 24, later 27, finally, I found out she was 37 ), and then, he got involved with some girls from online chat rooms, the youngest one was only 18...then, it seemed that he met his "soul-mate", he want to leave the marriage. so he told his wife that he was in love with someone else and wanted out ...I thought his wife was going to threw him out of the house, but to my surprise, with out any hesitance,without having any rules set, but with tons of tears, she forgave him begged him not to leave and even asked her daughter to do the plea (stupidest woman)....he stayed, but he is still cheating on her ( or shall we say it is not cheating anymore, since she knows)

I have no respect on this couple. the husband has lousy self-discipline, the wife has low self-esteem.....the husband didnt want to divorce her anymore because he didnt want to support 2 households, the wife didnt have guts to divorce him as she was afraid of being alone...lacking of employment skills...

what a couple!

[furby19]

how did you find out about this. that is a very sick story. i think that the wife in your story needs counseling. last but not least, if you know about this story that you have just posted why would you advise someone to be with a cheater or anyone that they are not happy with ?

[cenilla]

Originally posted by furby19
how did you find out about this. that is a very sick story. i think that the wife in your story needs counseling. last but not least, if you know about this story that you have just posted why would you advise someone to be with a cheater or anyone that they are not happy with ?

How did i find out? he never tried to hide his love affairs from me. he told me it's about the openess between "friends", and most dramatic part: I met the 18 yrs old girl in online chat room....Can you believe it?? such a small world!

The wife, has been under counseling for years. twice a week. I just dont know what kind of Shrinks she's been seeing! it doesnt help at all! and aslo, she pratices Yoga, too. I dont see this help, either.

Why would I advice Elliej to stay? as her story is different. it seems to me, she didnt want to leave, she is just having trouble to get over it. and as I said in my previous post, every Cheater is different. Here is another story:

Peggy and I went to college together, we are very close like sisters. and one day she showed up at my door with red and tearing eyes. she just found out that her husband had a one-night stand with a prostitude when she was pregnant...she was furious... she said she probably would feel better if he'd slept with a decent woman, now she felt so disgusting, she couldnt let him touch her anymore, she wanted a divorce! then, she started looking for a new apartment..

But It seemed to me, they were always a loving couple, very comparable, and very happy with each other...so, the foudation was there...and, her husband, he said he loved her deeply, but he made a big mistake, he went for it becuase of curiosity and also, Peggy was not interested in sex during her pregnacy... he felt guilty and promised it wouldnt happen again if she ever gave her second chance....

Ok, to make the story short, although it took a lot of work, they made up and moved on, now their daugher is 8 years old, her husband did keep his promises, he is so grateful to her forgiveness, the accident made their marriage stronger, and now they are happier than ever...

Can you see, this is a different story. The husband is not a serial Killer, he didnt have histroy before, and the fling didnt last...he regretted for what he did, so he is forgivable. And Peggy, a very independent woman, she stood up for herself, she knew when to confront him when to forgive him, and not to hold his mistake against him...

To leave or to Stay, you have to take everything into consdieration, and make sure it's the best for everyone who is involved, especially kids. It's important that you know when to put efforts on and when to give up, since life is so short.

[cenilla]

Not presently cheating?

Unless the following has been shared with your wife,

".....

I dream of your touch and the feel of your skin
I came to you in uncertain times
But you opened your heart
And let me in

.....

Because I don’t know how to get back into your arms
But I do know that I hold you in my heart
And I love you.."

----By Jim Branigan????? more deceitful!

Hi

My husband had an affair with as they all called her the works bike. She would go with anybody (she was the slag of the work !!) I was never allowed to go anywhere or talk to anybody because he was so possesvive. I still don't understand what went wrong???. As you have said about the courting over again I have have had all that too. At first the flowers, the "oh how wonderfull you are" You will know what I mean". I find it so hard to talk to my friends about things even after 3 years. My husband took me away for a weekend in1999 for our 14th wedding anniversary "what a surprise that was to me". The following week he was telling me we weren't getting on. He then told me about her. I was going to leave. My were bags packed and our 2 kids were wondering what the hell was going on. We are still together now and going away for a week together this weekend. It has been so hard for me to cope with this as I tend to keep thing to myself too much. Don't give up on your relationship as things will get easier through time. He is even more unhappy and possesive when I go out but he will just have to accept it.

Wishing you happiness
Liz