[yes]

You guys all talk about not being too nice, not giving too much too soon, etc - basically staying in control and avoiding being a love-sick puppy.

My question is ... is it possible to feel as much as a love-sick puppy does, while staying in control? It just seems that because the love-sick puppy thinks the world is all in this one person, if s/he gets this one person's love, s/he'll be in cloud 9. The person who's in control knows no single person is a whole world, and will never feel the euphorea over that one person loving them. Does my question make sense?

[I may have asked something similar before, forgive my repetions.]
-yes

[Amazon22]

I think that when you meet that "special someone" all guards go down, like it or not. At that point it won't matter, you will be so into that person that nothing else seems improtant. Staying in control won't even be an option, for either of you. Maybe in some ways it is possible, but why should being in "control" matter so much if the love is certainly reciprocated?

-Haley

[yes]

i also feel that when u meet someone special, everything else dims.

but many people on here (and in other places) advocate that in order for a healthy relationship to develop, you have to make sure you don't drop everything for this person - that your life still goes on, and the person can sense that you'd be perfectly fine even without them...

or am i missing something?
-yes

[Amazon22]

I think you hit the nail right on the head, but you have to do what you think is right for you in that situation. That is something that only you can decide! It's different for everyone, or so I hear!

-Haley

[Ryan]

in order for a healthy relationship to develop, you have to make sure you don't drop everything for this person - that your life still goes on, and the person can sense that you'd be perfectly fine even without them...

It's not that you'd be perfectly fine without him/her.

It's that you have a life with him/her....and you have a life aside from him/her. A good relationship is a mutual sharing, not a mutual dependence.

[yes]

of course one has a life outside of the relationship, but the question is whether that life is enjoyable once the special someone is gone...

-yes

[Ryan]

Short term....probably not. That's the pain of growth right there. Once that passes, you are still you....just a bit wiser and more tempered.

[yes]

True. The whole deal suddenly seems obvious.

thanks for your replies, A & R!
-yes

[Curt]

I can see what all you folks are saying. Makes excellent sense.

I have a follow-up question, though.

Take the following question especially in the light of a new relationship just in its infancy.

In other words, take the question with reference to a "bonding of the souls" that has occurred tentatively, yet has not really reached that undefinable "cementing" phase that always occurs when people go about the business of love.

Question is:
How does each partner balance the need for the other's love (which is especially powerful for one party or the other if s/he thinks this other person is "the one" for her/him) against the desire they would need to have for that certain level of independence?

Moreover, how do they do so in such a way as to transmit this desire for interdependence, but not co-dependence, each to the other?

How does one balance each, while at the same time, not playing games with the other person's emotions.

[color=blue][font=arial](Incidentally, that is the real place where I actually think games START. It is when something is done to influence the other person in a selfish/self-serving manner.)[/font][/color]

In this post on another thread:

NoDoubt's Ideas on Non-Game Dating Plays

NoDoubt suggests some ideas which a lady can use in securing a strong candidate for a relationship. I have no problem with these ideas in and of themselves.

It does trouble me though, that these same methods can easily go down a slippery slope into manipulation of a man in order to get what the woman in the mix wants.

And where is the balance in that?

Any takers on the how of balancing the relationship rapport at the start?

OR...Is this not making ANY sense at all?

Clear as mud?

I get like this when I need sleep.

My apologies if it's whacked.

Curt

[yes]

Curt,

Question is:
How does each partner balance the need for the other's love (which is especially powerful for one party or the other if s/he thinks this other person is "the one" for her/him) against the desire they would need to have for that certain level of independence?

I think that's an art that cannot be taught in words, or faked.

-yes

[sunnie23]

I can't answer any of the questions posted here, but I wonder, If you are the person who has lost control and is unable to live/function without the partner, what can you bring to the relationship? What is there to talk about if all you're doing are the same things?

I'm in a relationship where I have lost control and my bf has not. However, I know that If i lived my life without proper balance, he probably wouldn't want me. That alone motivates me to have a life away from him.

[Don_W]

Originally posted by sunnie23
If you are the person who has lost control and is unable to live/function without the partner, what can you bring to the relationship?

That's a good point, Sunnie23.

Some people are initially attracted to each other because of mutual interests, or hobbies, or just some particular, personal things about each other. If someone allows an infatuation to take over his/her life, pushing out all thoughts of normal activites, that seems a little counter productive because it might temporarily alter some of the qualities that the potential partner enjoyed about that person.

It can also earn grief from friends and family, who are often dismayed, even jealous, at seeing this outsider "take over" the life of someone they've know for years.

Not to say that being utterly enthralled by someone's mere existence doesn't have it's high points... but a little balance can avoid bigger problems down the road.

Don

[moimeme]

There is a stage in courtship when one of the partners becomes 'addicted' to the other (chemicals are to blame). The relationship is easy when this stage hits both people at the same time; if one starts into this stage before the other has reached it, that's where this problem arises.

So if you hit it before your partner, you have to try to control it until your partner gets there with you. That's the point where all your friends complain they don't see you, etc. It's good for about three to six months, and then the glow starts to fade and you start seeing flaws and spending every minute together starts to lose its charm. What folks need to try to do at that point is to not cut their ties to their other interests so, when the 'addiction' fades back into more normal behaviour, they can take up their interests again.

Why not go with the 'intoxication' while it lasts? It's fun and it helps to create the bond - but know it's temporary.

[2SidestoStories]

To start, I have to agree with the points brought up by everyone, and then too have to add this new affirmation I've been feeding myself in terms of coping with my own marriage failing, and so forth: One must truly know oneself in order to have a fulfilling relationship. By this, I don't mean you have to perfect the person that is YOU in order to be with someone else. Rather, I think it's EXTREMELY important for you to know your limitations, your wants, your goals and plans, and to be willing to not only maintain those things but pursue alternatives as they show up. There are things of which we're capable, and things of which we are not, and it is up to us as potential partners in life to recognize our assets as well as our downfalls when making the choice to get into a relationship.

That being said, I think it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world when you first start to fall in love. Sometimes all you want is that "in love feeling" rather than an actual relationship. Pardon my use of "you" there...it's a nice generic term not intended to point fingers at anyone. Most people seem to truly believe that in order to have a meaningful relationship there will ALWAYS have to be those fireworks that were there at the onset. In my experience, and granted my experience is rather limited but valid nonetheless, the fireworks can always be there, but if you live your life in pursuit of fireworks, you're going to trip over the obvious bumps in the ground.

I believe that love is the most amazing and wonderful gift we have to share with others. I also believe that loving someone does not mean stifling them. There's that cliche that says something like, "In order to love another you must first love yourself." I've always had a hard time accepting that phrase, because I know I have so much love to give and share with people. It was not until recently that I recognized that statement as having truth. One of the largest aspects of love is acceptance, is it not? Therefore if you can't accept yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to accept you? If you can't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to respect you? Etc.

So the answer to Curt AND Yes's questions: Let yourself feel the fireworks. Let yourself feel the overwhelming desire to be with someone all the time. And to balance that, recognize that you deserve to devote your time to YOU as well. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of, "But spending time with the one I love IS doing something for me!" Because although it may be the case, because this person may make you feel wonderful, you cannot expect them to continue to make you feel wonderful forever, nor can you expect to make THEM feel wonderful forever if all you have is the fireworks that have in the meantime faded into the twilight. (Good call, moimeme!)

[yes]

i think the consensus is then, that one should enjoy the fireworks, but stay balanced by not dropping hobbies/friends/etc, b/c the fireworks temporary. sounds very reasonable to me!

-yes