[stpdgirl]

I cant believe how many other people are dealing with this issue too. I just found out my husband has been having an emotional affair with someone he met online in a chat forum. It is hard for me to even post in one of these knowing this is how my marriage has been torn apart... Now I am completely torn...I feel so betrayed and foolish. I knew something was wrong the whole time but he would tell me he wasn't doing anything and lying to me. How do you forgive that or do you? He is now of course begging me not to leave because I said I want a divorce. I dont really want to get divorced but how can I trust again. How do you forget all the lies and move on? Please help...

[Thor]

I have found from experience that once a person "cheats" whether it be physical or emotional that the trait itself is almost never changed. However, if your husband is willing to change, and you are willing to try and trust him, then the both of you will need to seek professional guidance. You can go together or apart, but eventually it will be best for the both of you to go together.

On a more personal level. You can't change your husband. Only he can decide what he really wants to do, and what level of committment he can provide for you. Likewise, only you can decide as to how much trust you can invest in your relationship.

I wish you the best.

I'm a male, so I know I really don't know how you feel completely. But, I have been cheated on too. Infidelity is the result of opportunity and lack of conviction. A person is not really happy in a relationship if when the opportunity arises they stray. Sometimes people find they just don't like the person they are living with due to behaviors they were not aware of or was exposed to when in courtship. There are signs that really tell you who your partner really is if you look beyond the surface.
1. How do they really treat you? Nice and appreciative or inconsiderate
2. Do they seem concerned about your happiness?
3. Do they want to please you?
4. Do they manipulate you to get what they really want?
5. Has the infidelity happened only once or continues?
6. Do you continue to catch them in lies?

I could go on, the bottom line is if you can't really TRUST them with all your heart you will continue to agonize over this person being unfaithful to you. After all, you are just wanting from him what you are giving. If he has been unfaithful more than once he will not stop.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I have gone thru the same thing. I can tell you can trust again but it takes work and effort from both of you.

You said he is begging you to stay but does he own his mistake? Does he admit and UNDERSTAND that the contact he had w/this other party was wrong? Does he have contact w/OP anymore?

My own experience involved my husband and an old high school crush. Their contact was pretty bad but when I confront my husband the 3rd (YES 3rd!!) time ..but this time w/proof, he admitted it went too far, he blocked her IM, ignored her emails and has not had any contact w/her. This was Jan03. Since then, we have been rebuilding and it has been slow but in the 10 1/2 months, we are closer and our relationship is better....

So, you can do it.. but it will take some blood, sweat and tears to do get here. I suggest professional help if resoures allow. Only you can say if you thing your marriage is worth the work... I also suggest these sites.

<URL removed>
www.retrouvaille.org

Good luck and let us know how it goes..
GS

Check out http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Anticybercheating/

It's helped me learn to deal with my feelings about my husband doing the same thing. Some of the best people in the world, very helpful and supportive, but honest with each other, too.

[sarahmk]

This is my 1st time writting one of these. I've only been married 9 months and love my husband more than life. I gave up everything for him. Moved away from my friends and family to a place where I know no one just to be with him. I know he loves me which only makes this harder.

I found out he subscribes to an adult personals chat room. I looked at his entry today and I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't know what I'm thinking and can't even stop shaking it hurts so much.

He said he was looking for someone to have a discreet relationship with. We haven't talked about it yet but he knows I just found out. He said it was from before we were going out but I know that's not true although it is from before we were married. He's coming home from work soon so we can talk about it.

I love him more than life but this hurts so much and I have no idea what to do. Can anybody please help me?

[another]

First off go to <removed> (MB) right away and post.

<URL removed>

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-...ubb=forum;f=29

This is a place with alot of pro-marriage info and help. There is more of activity on those discussion boards and you will find it very supportive. Lots of great, helpful people who are in recovery, and even a couple of counsellors. After I discovered my wife had cheated on me, finding these forums was a godsend.

Just given what you've said, your husband is probably really ashamed and embarrassed now that you know...he will likely lie about this to protect your image of him and your feelings. So don't expect the full truth immediately.

The good thing is he may not have cheated yet - maybe he was just toying with the idea of it. It's likely a sign that he was not getting something from you that he needs - admiration or sexual fulfillment maybe. Although that's no excuse for the pain he has caused you - but these things happen for a reason.

Your first step to recovery will be to get marriage counseling ASAP. And try not to lash out too much at your husband. I know it sounds insane, but try to be strong, supportive and loving right now. Make him see what a wonderful person he was about to destroy.

Wife and I are 1 month into recovery. If you want your marriage to work, it will - the pain will subside, and trust will start to return. Good luck. See you at MB (I am "cpx" there).

Originally posted by sarahmk
This is my 1st time writting one of these. I've only been married 9 months and love my husband more than life. I gave up everything for him. Moved away from my friends and family to a place where I know no one just to be with him. I know he loves me which only makes this harder.

I found out he subscribes to an adult personals chat room. I looked at his entry today and I feel like my life is falling apart. I don't know what I'm thinking and can't even stop shaking it hurts so much.

He said he was looking for someone to have a discreet relationship with. We haven't talked about it yet but he knows I just found out. He said it was from before we were going out but I know that's not true although it is from before we were married. He's coming home from work soon so we can talk about it.

I love him more than life but this hurts so much and I have no idea what to do. Can anybody please help me?

[bark]

For better or worse, many times for worse, computers and the internet have expanded opportunities to "connect " with others. This cyberconnection is sometimes innocent, other times flirtatious and occasionally it is a "gateway" to a full blown extramarital affair.

The betrayal is twofold: first, the fact that your husband emotionally and intimately connects to another woman; second, the fact that he leads a secret, double life of betrayal. lies and deception. The first betrayal is upsetting to the wife as a woman, the second betrayal is upsetting to her as a person.

What is to be done? Once a spouse starts cheating he usually will cheat again. The urge to wander, once established, is rarely satisfied. He will cheat again but be sneakier about it. Cheating, like porn addiction, is rarely treatable by counseling or therapy. You should demand counseling if only to gauge just how serious he is about his marriage. If he rejects counseling, that shows he's not motivated and all is lost. If he's serious about counseling, then you have a shot.

Another solution is to get rid of your internet connection.

Unless you choose to tolerate his cyberwandering, other solutions are few and far between.