How do I start?

enewetee · 8th August 2003, 11:56 AM

There is so much to say.

I am afraid. I have been married for more than 25 years. I love my wife but there is no sex. The reasons are many.

I have casual sex and hate it. It is an obsession. I am looking for a helpful discussion with no condemnation. I already know it's wrong. That's why I am here.

Is there room here for a discussion?

I want to get help and get out of this hole..... or do I?

Curt · 8th August 2003, 3:24 PM

Most posters here are generally forthright, caring people. There is room for discussion here, but, without all the information, we are unable to discuss, debate, or dialogue.

You said the reasons are many for no sex, and in order to help you out of the "havin' casual sex outside of intimacy-starved marriage" we need to know the story in as clear, concise, but complete a fashion as possible.

'Speak, demand, we'll answer!"

Curt

enewetee · 8th August 2003, 3:45 PM

I am not holding back... other than being careful... and I am not certain what level of detail might help.

Suffice it to say that I have become more and more impotent over the past few years and our sex life was all about 'it'. Also cancer & a hysterectomy haven't helped.

I think all of that is smoke and mirrors for the real problem.....me.

I am on disability and my prognosis is not good. It is at best uncertain what is happening and at worst very deadly /disabling.

I haven't shared this with many.

I don't even know if I should be doing this... but doing nothing is destroying me.

cindy0039 · 8th August 2003, 11:17 PM

I do not mean to sound crass at all, but I have a question. If you are impotent and disabled and these other things you talked about, how is it that you're having sex with other people?

ThisGirlNameKD · 9th August 2003, 12:12 AM

Okay so far we've learned that someone had cancer, probably your wife, and she has had a hysterectomy. You on the other hand is impotent, and disabled, and it's possibly life threatening?
When you said your sex life was all about "it", were you refering to your impotence? At what point in your marriage did you and your wife stop having sex? At what point in your marriage did you become impotent? At what point in your marriage did you began have casual sex with others? Was it before or after your wife's hysterectomy?

enewetee · 9th August 2003, 12:40 AM

Impotence implies no erection. Everything works fine other than that. Sex to me has always meant much more than intercourse. Oral sex for example. Talking intimately for example.

Wife had cancer.

The 'it' was my erect penis.

We stopped having sex over time as I lost my ability to have an erection.

Casual sex with others was a small problem under control after one event many many years ago. It has gone out of control over the last year...the hysterectomy was in the middle of all of this.

I came for some help. I am being honest and open. You seem so eager to fix me you forgot I am hurting.

ThisGirlNameKD · 9th August 2003, 1:22 AM

I'm asking you questions so that we can better understand you. It's hard to give someone advice when we don't know enough information about your situation to give you any effective advice. Especially in this case, because sexual addiction, if that's what you feel you have, goes alot deeper than sex as I'm sure you're aware. Knowing when you problem (and I'm talking about before it became out of control), and what were the circumstances surrounding it will better help me understand why it's going on.
So, at what point in your marriage did you become impotent, or where you impotent before you got married? At what point in your marriage did you begin to have casual sex with others outside the marriage? What was the event that let to casual sex being out of control? And what kind of casual sex are you engaged in? Don't worry about giving us detailed information. Nobody knows who you really are, so you're identity is hidden, and you're free to say what you want to.

longlegzs80 · 10th August 2003, 10:08 PM

You must be a very devoted, good husband if you have been married this long without sex. It is good to hear that you can admit to your mistakes and want to change your ways. Have you tried to be romantic with her? Please give us more information pertaining to this.

Maybe she does not feel sexy enough or has low self esteem or even a depression problem where she has no sex drive. Maybe you need to compliment her, tell her she is beautiful, tell her you love her with all your heart, make her feel wanted. Until I know more about your situation, and what your wife's deal is, I can't help you out. Please fill us in. Take care.