[Azure Skye]

I have been "the other woman" for 8 months now.

I broke up with him though, and now as a kind of closure I want to send his girlfriend an e-mail to tell her that her boyfriend lies to her and cheats on her.

What could I possibly say to her in my letter?

[midori]

I can understand that you have some bad feelings about this guy. But be honest with yourself -- who are you trying to hurt? Him or her?

Did you know all along that he had a girlfriend? And if so, did you think he would leave her for you eventually (either because he told you or you were just hoping)?

In any event, you're trying to punish him, not her -- right? I guess you have to ask yourself if you're in a position to punish him. If you knew all along that he had a girlfriend, you've got nothing to complain about. Telling his girlfriend would amount to nothing more than petty revenge undertaken at someone else's expense.

If you didn't know about her and you feel that you must expose him, then do it directly. Send her an email, from your main email address, detailing what went on. Nothing anonymous. Leave it at that. If you don't hear from her or him about it, that's fine. You will have done your duty in the interests of honesty.

But this shouldn't be about getting "closure" for yourself. It should only be about notifying the girlfriend about her boyfriend's cheating ways. It kind of sounds like you're in it for revenge. In which case I'd advise you to take the high road and say nothing.

[d1410]

Don't bother sending her an e-mail. It will likely make things worse for everyone. She may know about her cheating b/f and she doesn't need a reminder of the woman who was involved at the other end of it.

Just let it go. What you did was wrong so admit it and move on!

d1410

Regardless of the motive you are actually providing vital information to this woman. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know also?

[Azure Skye]

I am weak when it comes to this man. He sends me ONE soppy card and some roses and I take him right back.

I've tried to leave him a million times. I think the only way he'll see I'm serious is if I tell his girlfriend about his wicked ways.

I don't want to send her anything hurtful.

Maybe just one sentence saying :

"Look closely if you have eyes to see....
He has deceived me
and may thee"

What do you guys think?

[midori]

I think that using her to do your dirty work for you is unfair. You're trying to pretend that you'd be doing this for her own good, but that is not the case.

And what if she already knows? Or simply doesn't believe you?

Sorry but it sounds to me like your real underlying motive is to get her to break up with him, or to issue him an ultimatum -- "her or me" -- and you're hoping he'll pick you.

If you want to be done with this guy, change your number, block his email address, and find someone else to date. That will be much more effective than delivering hurtful information to his girlfriend with a twisted agenda. You're not concerned with her well being.

But if you're absolutely going to do it, leave the vague poems aside (rather cheesy and melodramatic) and just cut to the chase. How about cc'ing him on an email to her that says, "Hi Susie, my name is AzureSkye and I'm the woman your boyfriend Cheating Chad has been sleeping with for the last nine months. You know when you think he's visiting his sick grandfather in the nursing home? He's actually with me. I want all of him or none of him, so I thought it best to put you on notice about how things really are."

Just stop pretending you're trying to do her a favor.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You say that one soppy card and some roses, and you’d take him right back. That statement alone contradicts your first claim that you are seeking “closure” by revealing the lies the two of you have been hiding. While I would like to know if I were the girlfriend being dooped, I also have to question your real motives here.

You entered into an affair with a guy who already had someone else in his life. Doing so, you made the gamble and accepted the risks and consequences of your decision. Ironic how you should suddenly feel like the one who’s been slighted here. I think the only sympathy you feel is for yourself…and hardly for the other poor girl who’s been deceived by BOTH of you. If you had any real regards for another person’s feelings, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself to become “the other woman” in the first place. Because you were already aware that he had a girlfriend, you are just as guilty of lying and deceiving as he was.

You’re mad now because you spent eight months waiting for him to choose you over his current girlfriend---and it never happened. Now, still unable to let go, you want to force him into making the choice by eliminating the one person who stands in your way and initiating the break-up. Doing so, I hardly believe you should expect cards or roses from either of them. And don’t delude yourself into thinking the girlfriend is going to feel any sense of gratitude towards you for FINALLY revealing the truth about your affair. If you drop the “bomb,” understand you will be doing it from the sidelines…the same exact place where you have been lurking in the shadows for eight months---the same place you will forever remain if you continue to be the “outsider” or “other woman” in ANY relationship.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave….

[km82794]

Cold, hard, facts...

It may be the only way to get him to leave me alone

If you want my opinion, I do not see how E-Mailing this man's girlfriend is going to get him to leave you alone. It will only piss him off to the point where there will most likely be an ongoing game of who can get even the most, him or you.

I think Midori's right on the money in saying your underlying motive is to get them to break up and have him make a final decision between the two of you.

After being together for eight months, I am sure you were well aware that he had a girlfriend. The fact is that it was your choice to get involved with someone who was already in a relationship.

I can't see why you would want to seek vengeance out on an innocent party, no matter how p'd off you are at him. Although she doesn't even know, hasn't she been hurt enough?

By this comment, I can see you haven't closed the book on this guy.....

I am weak when it comes to this man. He sends me ONE soppy card and some roses and I take him right back.

So here is my advise. If what you really want is a long lasting relationship with this guy, leave it alone. You already have one strike against you here, you cheated with him. In a guy's mind, he thinks "she cheated with me, she'll cheat on me".

I would not chalk up another strike with petty vengeance on his girlfriend. I have a real feeling, you'll lose.

Now if you want some advice on how to get even with him, how about some itching powder in his shorts, or massage the word cheater on his chest in self tanning lotion. I have plenty idea's on ways to get even with him, but I'm all out of idea's on hurting an innocent woman.

Don't think I am judging you, I just don't really see the point in doing something like this!

[d1410]

why get back at him at all for cheating! you obviously knew he was cheating for 8 months. you're just as bad as he is.

Get on with your own life and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

d1410

You have my sympathies. Being the other woman is complicated. It feels good to love and be loved. It feels horrid to be ignored and lied to/about.

I've cut myself off completely with the guy I was the other woman to, but I have a friend who knows about my situation. I told him after the fact, because I was getting Glenn Close-like and needed to out myself before I went insane. This friend also knows and likes the girlfriend. We've talked and what we've come up with is this:

It's not your place to tell her—it's his. Just before you cut off all communication (COLD COLD TURKEY), with all the powers of compassion, urge the boyfriend to tell his girlfriend about the affair. Tell him that she deserves to know and if he ultimately values honesty (hey, he might! let's face it, nice people can do bastard things—look at us), he should really tell her.

You keep your self-respect because you've separated yourself from the situation, and you've expressed your desire for him to be honest. Ultimately, it comes down to this—take care of yourself. Realize that you are deserving of someone's full attention and love. Take time to develop your hobbies. Distract yourself with your friends. Know that you are not responsible for the girlfriend's fate.