[BlueeyedJonesy]

I'm just wondering what others have gone through after DDAY..?
Did you feel numb at times?

Thats the phase I am going through right now..My M was very passionate before dday but now that we are in the healing phase my H is so touchy feely and constantly telling me sweet things. I feel as though I have a wall up. Is this normal?

[Gabriele]

So you are BS? and how long has it been since DDay?

I am BS, and it's been 6mths, since d-day (but affairs happened years before, not that it matters, I guess).

Today is a numb day, that's why I am checking the board. and yes I have Huge walls up, some days more than others. I used to be completely in love, felt every kids, even the pecks, and that was after 14yrs of marriage and 2 kids....now I am very guarded, sex......same thing. I am also wondering when/if I will ever FEEL the same again. I hate the walls.

I am committed, as is my H to our marriage, and fixing my hurt, and his issues. I wonder if you are as well? I have always been an optimistic person, I know my marriage will survive, I just wonder what it will be like, or how I will feel in the future........will that 'true love' ever come back?

Don't know I help you..........but it's exactly were I am today as well.

Gabriele

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Originally Posted by Gabriele

So you are BS? and how long has it been since DDay?

I am BS, and it's been 6mths, since d-day (but affairs happened years before, not that it matters, I guess).

Today is a numb day, that's why I am checking the board. and yes I have Huge walls up, some days more than others. I used to be completely in love, felt every kids, even the pecks, and that was after 14yrs of marriage and 2 kids....now I am very guarded, sex......same thing. I am also wondering when/if I will ever FEEL the same again. I hate the walls.

I am committed, as is my H to our marriage, and fixing my hurt, and his issues. I wonder if you are as well? I have always been an optimistic person, I know my marriage will survive, I just wonder what it will be like, or how I will feel in the future........will that 'true love' ever come back?

Don't know I help you..........but it's exactly were I am today as well.

Gabriele

Yes, its been 4 months since ours and I just go up and down...I don't think I've ever been so depressed in all my life.

I'm constantly thinking the same thing "is it too late, will I ever feel the same?"

is there anyone on the board years past dday?..how do they feel?

I get the feeling if they are happy they probably aren't here. LOL

[Gabriele]

Originally Posted by BlueeyedJonesy

Yes, its been 4 months since ours and I just go up and down...I don't think I've ever been so depressed in all my life.

I'm constantly thinking the same thing "is it too late, will I ever feel the same?"

is there anyone on the board years past dday?..how do they feel?

I get the feeling if they are happy they probably aren't here. LOL

Boy........we are on the same page.... I hope someone answers with what we want to hear. I know I just want someone to say "oh on exactly the 465th day post d-day you will all the sudden feel a great release and it will all be better, in fact better than before"! I know my counselor has said that many marriages that he has helped get through affairs are better than before, because there are now no secrets and you truly are working on an open committed relationship. But I , like you, I think, want to hear it from the horses mouth!! Every situtation is so unique, but some optimism would be helpful.

hope your day gets better
Gabriele

[viennawaits]

I was terribly depressed, lost 10 pounds (bonus) and now definitely have walls up. It has been 6 months since DDAY. I want to make the best of this, but I am having trouble believing it will ever be repaired. Anyone out there make it through this? How long?

[Spark1111]

They call it the plain of flatness, where you have no highs and no lows....like numbness.

It is normal and a self-protective device necessary to recover from betrayal which causes the same symptoms as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (try to read up on that too!)

No likes feeling numb....no joy, but then no excruciating sadness either. I do not think it is all that controllable.

I am two years since DDAY. The average length to recover from betrayal is 2.5 to 5 years and that is if all cylinders are burning from both ends: yours and your WS's.

IC, MC, reading talking and healing together. Even then, there are times of three steps forward and two steps back.

You must BOTH want to re-commit to the marriage to endure what is endured and do the hard work of putting it all back together. For me, 1.5 years seemed to be a turning point in my pain subsiding.

I am not sure what others would say.

[oxfordsocks]

Did you feel the need to overcompensate with lots of I love you's and miss you's out of a need to reassure the relationship or out of insecurity(if that is one and the same).

[seren]

Don't know that the dust ever really settles, but what I did was put a gate in the wall so that I could let him back in a bit at a time, when I trusted him not to crash it all down around my ears (analogy, analogy). We are about 2 and a half years on from D Day. Contrary to popular belief there was no making his life hell, more a working through the crap and sorting out our marriage, together.

The numb days were hell, I felt I would never feel again, couldn't find my joy in just living that I used to have. I remember when we laughed out loud for the first time after D Day and caught his eye and thought you know I really, really love this man, and he just said sorry, it cracked me up (not in a funny way) and so began to let him in more and more. Sure there were the odd days, sometimes weeks when I would go to touch him at night and pulled back, but they have gone now and we are better than before. We were having problems before the A, and I don't think the A should be the be and end all of our marriage or future. It was what it was, it hurt, dammed near destroyed us, and the OW, but it has helped US and that is what is important.
We both just wish we had got to this point in our relationship without the A making us sit up and notice what we were in danger of losing. This is just my experience and I am sure that some people had different times, or that the marriage was over. But, it can work, it does work, the flatness doesn't disappear, it just becomes more about the here, now and tomorrow and less about what you cannot change.

[MARINE_ONE]

It's very nice to read about you all working so hard to keep your marriages together. I wish you all the best of luck!! Remember the only things worth having are the things you've worked so hard for. I am sure if you all keep working at this you will come through it stronger and more in love than before.

[JaneInVegas]

I wish I could feel the numbness, it would be better than all this other crap I'm going through emotionally.

Initially I went into overdrive trying to compensate for things (why, I have no idea) but was overly affectionate, kicked our sex life up a couple of notches, etc. I'm past that stage now, thank goodness, and I think he needs to start holding up his end of the healing phase, especially since he was the one that caused this freakin' mess in the first place.

[dreamingoftigers]

Almost 6 months since d day and 10 months since the one before that. today the pain is at fever pitch because apparently my private parts are not the nicest ones he' s ever seen. I have no idea how a marriage can recover from this.

[moaningmyrtle]

I'm a BS and it's now 15 months after d-day.

Today I'm so very low and contacted 2 of my H's OW. One was the full fledged A and the other an attempt at an A. This after NC with either for about a year so that's how bad I am.

But to answerer your questions we've had good and bad times - it's been certainly getting better as time passes, but to be fair, my H has been doing almost everything right. Nevertheless getting past the betrayal and deception is soo hard and I've come to realise that trusting him again is simply an act of faith on my part with nothing very real to back it up. I'm aware that he could so easily fool me again. If he sticks entirely to contact with OW during his working hours using just his work fixed phone and e-mail I have no hope whatsoever of finding out if he doesn't want me to.

Why oh why I repeatedly ask myself did he do all he did (infidelity-wise) if he really wanted to keep his marriage? He says he was vulnerable because we didn't have enough sex for him but there were other ways he could have behaved to at least attempt to address the issue without betraying me to the extent that he did.

This post may seem all doom and gloom and I'm certainly feeling that way today but the bright side is there are other days where I feel confident that we will get past this and have a long and happy marriage in the future.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Originally Posted by Spark1111

They call it the plain of flatness, where you have no highs and no lows....like numbness.

It is normal and a self-protective device necessary to recover from betrayal which causes the same symptoms as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (try to read up on that too!)

No likes feeling numb....no joy, but then no excruciating sadness either. I do not think it is all that controllable.

I am two years since DDAY. The average length to recover from betrayal is 2.5 to 5 years and that is if all cylinders are burning from both ends: yours and your WS's.

IC, MC, reading talking and healing together. Even then, there are times of three steps forward and two steps back.

You must BOTH want to re-commit to the marriage to endure what is endured and do the hard work of putting it all back together. For me, 1.5 years seemed to be a turning point in my pain subsiding.

I am not sure what others would say.

Spark..thank you. I always find your replies insightful and inspiring.

Originally Posted by oxfordsocks

Did you feel the need to overcompensate with lots of I love you's and miss you's out of a need to reassure the relationship or out of insecurity(if that is one and the same).

ITs actually the other way around. He is constantly telling me the things he never said before. He realizes how close he came to losing me and he never lets a day go by without reminding me of how he feels..It would be nice if I could feel something at the moment....years of trying to get this man to tell me his thoughts and feelings..never did I know this is how he would find them.

Originally Posted by seren

Don't know that the dust ever really settles, but what I did was put a gate in the wall so that I could let him back in a bit at a time, when I trusted him not to crash it all down around my ears (analogy, analogy). We are about 2 and a half years on from D Day. Contrary to popular belief there was no making his life hell, more a working through the crap and sorting out our marriage, together.

The numb days were hell, I felt I would never feel again, couldn't find my joy in just living that I used to have. I remember when we laughed out loud for the first time after D Day and caught his eye and thought you know I really, really love this man, and he just said sorry, it cracked me up (not in a funny way) and so began to let him in more and more. Sure there were the odd days, sometimes weeks when I would go to touch him at night and pulled back, but they have gone now and we are better than before. We were having problems before the A, and I don't think the A should be the be and end all of our marriage or future. It was what it was, it hurt, dammed near destroyed us, and the OW, but it has helped US and that is what is important.
We both just wish we had got to this point in our relationship without the A making us sit up and notice what we were in danger of losing. This is just my experience and I am sure that some people had different times, or that the marriage was over. But, it can work, it does work, the flatness doesn't disappear, it just becomes more about the here, now and tomorrow and less about what you cannot change.

This brings tears to my eyes...I was talking to him about stuff the other night and I told him..I just don't find joy in living right now..I somewhat hate him for that.

Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers

Almost 6 months since d day and 10 months since the one before that. today the pain is at fever pitch because apparently my private parts are not the nicest ones he' s ever seen. I have no idea how a marriage can recover from this.

Your H's problems have nothing to do with you and what you look like..I remember feeling that way and I will say...there is a huge weight lifted once you realize that....did he tell you that? if so..thats just emotional abuse and you have some bigger problems

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

my H has been doing almost everything right. .

My H is doing it all right as well, and in a way that makes me feel bad that somedays I can't just suck it up ya know?

[on1wheel]

I am 2yrs & 14 days past D-day...the counting should be an indication as to whether it gets any easier. I desperately wanted to divorce her, but I had a 19 month old child that I made a promise to when they drew their 1st breath.
I don't know if I'm the exception or the rule, but my feelings have never been the same. My W is fully commited to the marriage now, but I can't help thinking "she gave up on me & my child once before...is this time any different?" I am here because I
Am attempting to see if there are people at the same stage as me, (2 yrs past D-day) but in abetter place emotionally. If so, how did they get there? Did they fall "in-love" again? Did they ever manage to forget?
I am reminded about it daily, as I made the mistake of digging sooooo deep that I know sooooo many details...things that only the 2 cheaters normally know.
Anyway, I am sad to tell you that @ 2+ yrs in I still cry & wonder "what should I do...am I ever going to be fully happy again?"
I wish you all the luck possible...cheers.

[seren]

Hi, I am 2+ yrs on from d day AND in a better place emotionally. How to get here? I think that all A's are different, as are all marriages and the reasons why the people in them have A's. For me, I needed to understand how 2 people who had shared such deep love for the best part of our 20+ together had got to the point where we were all but destroyed. Initially I just saw the A as something my H had done to us, but eventually owned my part not in the A, never that, but in the run up to it. In my instance it was work, promotion to a job that saw my focus not being on us, but on this new part of my life and H not feeling he was good enough, I also didn't notice he was stressed with his new job. So we both took our eye off the ball.

Saying all that, I do not own any guilt regarding his A, but it could either destroy the best part of our marriage for an A or we could move on, not forget, but accept that we couldn't change what had happened, but could change how it impacted upon us.

It took total truth from H, a willingness to listen, to answer all the questions asked - and I asked some pretty brutal questions. Eventually I got the truth and it hurt so very, very much. I asked myself Do I trust him again - not with OW, to not be able to do that would be a no deal for me, but with me. I have huge trust issues due to a pretty messed up life and H knew that - it was that that hurt.

We take time with each other, we flirt, date and I no longer make excuses for him if he is being an arse, and yes we argue - the unreal niceness of the early months has passed, thankfully. Yes I think about the A and all that it entailed, but it has lessened, that came with accepting I could not change what had happened and that I would not allow it to define the rest of my life. It is not the same and that just kills him, he has huge regrets, and he shows me daily that he is committed to making our marriage work, as do I. It is not easy, it is so very, very hard and I have days when I cry buckets, as does he, we talk about our feelings, and so it goes on. I don't need his money, our son is an adult, and I don't lack self esteem, I stay because I love him and because of that everything is possible. We didn't fall in love again - we never fell out of it, we just took it for granted.