[Dee]

Hello all!

I'm new here today ........ and have lots going on in my marriage, as do many of us I see.

I just wanted to ask one thing for now:

If you had separated from your husband for just 4 days, and returned ... and he was fine with it, as long as things changed, as in him wanting YOU to change mostly ... and while you were away, he told you that the woman across the street had come out of her house to talk to him .... and ask about me, where I was .. etc. And he asked how she was ... etc. .. all though he says he doesn't like her at all .... she's a strange creature. LOL!

And then .. a few nights later ... he had to get something from the van ... and went outside in just his underwear ... he NEVER does this .. is very modest usually ...... and then again this morning ... in underwear and bathrobe ... but robe was not tied.
Would that make you angry? Would you suspect he's showing off for her?

It's just SO unlike him ..... so out of the ordinary for him, that i wonder ???

Nice to meet you all!
Dee

[daisywindmill]

Hello Dee

Can I ask, what exactly does your husband what you to do to "change?"

And if he has suddenly taken to going outside in his underwear, why not ask him why this change in behaviour?

It's a perfectly valid question if he has never done anything like this before.

[Tony T]

I'm a man and would never dream of going outside wearing only my underwear...unless I was running from my burning house. Being seen by others in the neighborhood wearing only underwear would be horrifyingly embarassing.

What you need to find out is exactly why he told you all this crap. He obviously knew it would embarass you. It sounds like he's got a lot of pent up anger against you. Otherwise, he would not seek to piss you off this way.

I don't know what your problems were but being away for four days...even if everybody changes...will not remove past anger and resentment. Seek counselling to save your marriage and get it back on track.

What he did while you were away....he could have even made this stuff up...was pretty bizarre. You need to just forget that crap and concentrate on healing your marriage if that's possible. Worrying about the lady across the street is a distraction you can't afford while you're trying to get your relationship back on sound footing. If you fail at healing your marriage, then the lady across the street may become more significant as time passes.

[NEONINK]

1) I would like to see Tony in his underwear.

2) I would walk across the street and tell the neighbor that I'm just fine.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Ha, ha...

I would be more mortified than embarrassed! He's trying so hard to get some attention that he's making a fool of himself in front of the neighbors!

Your husband reminds me of the guy who lives across the street from us. He came over to the mailbox one day while I was standing on the front porch...with nothing on except his plaid robe. As he lifted his hand to wave "hello," a breeze came and blew it open. I was so horrified at what I saw that I couldn't even wave back. Just stood there with that "deer-caught-in-a-headlight" look while he seemed totally unfazed!

Now I have to peek out the window to make sure he's not around before I go outside. The image is scorched into my brain and now I'm scarred for life!

Ladies! Don't let your naked husbands roam the streets!

[km82794]

Would this upset me? ............

It would upset enough to shred all his underwear and bathrobe the next time he does it!

Although it's unclear as to why you left your husband for four days, I would be willing to bet his behavior is a form of paying you back for leaving.

In other words, you left him and he's trying to make you jealous
by telling you about the woman across the street. His strutting around in his underwear could be his way of throwing out bait to the neighbor, hoping she'll flirt back.

In his mind he's saying to you...

Just look what could happen if you leave me again.... The neighbor's gonna want me.

Tony is right, I would concentrate on my marriage and overlook
this childish, insecure stunt. BUT, I would tell him the next time he decides to run around outside the house in his skivies to let you know, you'll streak with him! That will cure him!

Good luck!

[Dee]

Hi Daisy,

My situation is so long and complicated .. so I'll shorten it up:

He wants me to:

1.control my temper
2.trust him more
3.accept him for who he is
4.stop finding fault
5.allow him more freedom
6.and let things go by not dwelling on them so long

What will HE change?

Nothing ... unless I change first ... since he says everything he does is a reaction to my action!

Well, what I feel is that I do have to control my temper and not find fault so much ... those things I agree on ... but for the most part, the reason behind the temper and finding fault as he puts it, is that I do NOT feel secure in his love, this marriage, and do not feel supported, validated or loved.

Finding fault is me telling him when he does something that hurts me, or something I feel is hurting our relationship. Because he has so much trouble dealing with any problems, or confrontations, or because he doesn't want to have to 'change' himself much or work on himself ..... then it's much easier to blame me.

It's a LONG story ...... but that's the beginning of it .....

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Hey Tony,

Why he told me all of WHAT crap? You mean about talking to the woman across the street? Don't know ..... he says because he wasn't sure what to tell her when she asked about me, so he lied, and wanted me aware of it .... in case she asked me where I had been.

I should really explain in more detail ... just didn't want to go into too many things with my first post. HE wanted me to leave! He wants a separation for ONE year ..... with contact off and on, just a little, like dating once in a while. I did agree only because I've tried so hard for so long ... I'm tired. I came back early because I had been praying and reading my Bible ...... and being a Christian, felt my place was here to work on things ... AGAIN!

We've had counseling several times .... with different counselors, and 2 of them told me to leave him.... they advised we were not equally yoked ..... but I feel God can heal all things, and unless there is cheating, he doesn't condone divorce ..... so that's why I'm still here.

I did go and talk to the woman across the street today, and she was very nice about things ..... she's a Christian too, and told me she had just met a man .. and that she doesn't pay much attention to my husband ... and that they only talked for a few minutes .... seems like I can believe her..... so I guess my gripe is more with him .... in going outside in underwear... still feel in my gut that he wanted to show off ... and that makes me mad, cause it's not something he should want to be doing.

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Neon,

I did just that a few minutes ago ...... she was very nice about things.

***********************************************

Enigma,

See, that's how I feel! I feel he must have been wanting her to see him ..... cause why else would he do such a thing! Gosh, I would feel bad being seen in my undies by my neighbor!

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Hiya KM,

Yes, that's how I felt ... but because I'm working on controlling my temper ..... I stayed as calm as possible, all though I did get upset!

As I said earlier ... I left because it was agreed upon, he has wanted a years separation for awhile now, and I've left once before ... but returned as this time ... cause I just felt God wanted me with him .... to fix our marriage.

No way was he paying me back .... cause HE wanted me to leave.
NOW ... he might have secretly been mad that I was BACK, who knows! He was fine with it though ..... and last night, as we ate dinner .... I told him I was giving him a gift. I told him he could have the freedom to go anywhere he wanted without worrying about me getting upset (within reason), as long as he told me where he was .... more or less, in case there was an emergency.

He had tears in his eyes, and said he really appreciated the fact that I had controlled my temper so well since I'd been back, and that things were really good so far (it's been 10 days). He was emotional when he said it ..... so I believe him.

Yes, I think I might streak with him next time!

NOT really! LOL!

***********************************************

Thank you ALL for those responses! Hope you don't mind me leaving my posts all in one ... makes it easier.

Nice to meet everybody!
Hugs,
Dee

[NEONINK]

Anger is a useless emotion most of the time. It's a coverup for the inability to talk about what is hurting you or upsetting. It's best purpose is the fight or flight syndrome. It can save our lives, but it shouldn't be used on our significant others unless they are choking us to death...

Hurt is a pretty useful emotion because it is your internal fire alarm system. I feel hurt when you ....... backed the car over my toe, flashed the neighbor, made an obscene comment about the waitress in front of me, told me I looked fat in that dress.... etc...

Stop using "You did this...", "you did that...". Talk about yourself. Use the "I" sentences.

Thoughts lead to feelings. The next time you are angry, back up a step and trace the thought that led to that anger. Now, look at that thought. Was it in reality a fact or your preception? Could you have misconstrued it somehow? If it seems factual, how can you deal better with that thought, rather than banging your spoon? Talk about it....

[daisywindmill]

It sounds like a test to me; "trust me, don't get angry with me" then walk outside and flaunt yourself and your underwear!

I have to add here that my ex husband would blame me for EVERYTHING! You name it, it was my fault. After a while I began to believe him and what a pathetic person I turned in to.

Then, one day it clicks that it is actually the other person who has the faults, the problems.

Take a step back and analyse everything.

And if he does want you to change then he can start by not flashing his all at his poor neighbours!