Im curious as to what people think of the following.
How much is a new partner entitled to know about your past relationships and sexual activity?
More so for older people. Youre a thirty soemthing single man or woman or older. Realistically there is a lot of "baggage"
Are they entitled to know how many partners? All the kind of activities you may have participated in? Do you feel entitled to know?
I think it's unrealistic and kind of silly to think that one is entitled to know all about the other's past..
I think one has to be in complete denial or foolishly naive if she/he thinks that the other will tell him/her the truth if they had a ton of partners..
really..
As far as I'm concerned.. I do NOT wish to know about my partner's past.. and I will not tell him anything about me.. simple as that..
but from what I can tell, women being seriously insecure about their looks is way more widespread than guys being insecure about their penises. That said, maybe I'm wrong
In a general sense, women attract and men are attracted hence the wider spread insecurity among women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by threebyfate
Where you and I differ in attitude is that if someone is that insecure, this insecurity will manifest itself in different ways. If the insecurity is about looks, it will manifest itself through the need for a lot of external validation which can easily result in cheating, when the chips are down in a relationship.
More great stuff
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thornton
I don't think it's wise to disclose anything which doesn't directly affect the present relationship, to eliminate such things reflecting negatively.
Reflective negativity or saving one's arse!
Quote:
Of course I would want to know if someone had a threesome, but only so I could dump him.
Well, if you want to know this then I assume you tell them about your past also. I assume even more though, that you simply don't ask this question because your past actions are far more concerning to most people, then this behavior.
Everyone needs validation to a degree but when they get psycho about comparing their physical looks against exes and getting butt hurt about it, that's a HUGE, red flag!
Okay validation:
How do I look in this dress?
Not okay validation:
Do you think I'm better looking than your ex?
How about the middle ground. Not my particular deal breakers, but you get the drift...
Wifey: Did you sleep with Linda?
Hubby: Sure honey, it felt great I couldn't believe I was actually sleeping with a former Miss USA!
[572 hours of passive agressive nonsense goes by and things are fine again for a while]
Hubby: Hey, I see the Jockson brothers sent you a Christmas card, that was nice!
Wifey: Well they better considering I Chinese Fingercuffed them on Xmas 2003!
[Hubby curls into ball and sucks thumb. By Christmas 2010, things are much better]
Anyway another thing I want to point out, I would much prefer total honesty, but stop well short of requiring or even expecting it. I would never ever want to make my partner feel ashamed, or like she couldn't tell me something important, especially sexually where shame is so easy and there are a variety of hurtful things that could have happened. Likewise I'd really like to know all about it, even that last BF Mr. Hung, at least in the long run, and would much prefer someone who finds my rumpus with the cheerleading squad (OK, not really but a guy can dream) interesting rather than repugnant.
But at this point in my life I find I have to pick and choose where I can be idealistic versus pragmatic, and partner's past sexual history is well down on that list of things.
Well, if you want to know this then I assume you tell them about your past also. I assume even more though, that you simply don't ask this question because your past actions are far more concerning to most people, then this behavior.
I think most guys would be equally concerned about me being a slut as they would about me having cheated. I wouldn't ask someone I really liked if they ever had a threesome, because if he said yes I'd have to dump him. I figure if he's into threesomes then it'll come out at some point and I'll dump him then, and if such an experience is firmly in his past then it will never come up again and I'll never need to know about it.
No matter how much someone revealed about their past, I'd never feel compelled to reveal my past - no matter what someone says, they really don't want to know the truth about your past. If they push it, you tell them only what they would want to hear, and anything unsavoury you keep to yourself because it'll only damage your relationship.
Keep in mind women tend to get more hung up on this kind of thing then men. I joked about penis size before, but from what I can tell, women being seriously insecure about their looks is way more widespread than guys being insecure about their penises. That said, maybe I'm wrong, I'm not in the business of telling dudes their member is big enough.
Sure, but men get way more hung up on the woman's sexual past than the woman gets hung up on the man's. Just look at the hundreds of threads on LS from insecure men tearing their hair out over the fact that their woman had sex in the past. I have never given a bf a hard time about his sexual past, but one of my exes practically tortured me about the fact that I had had ONE sex partner before him. He even went so far as to tell me that if we got married, I couldn't wear white on the wedding day. I told his mom what he said (she asked), and she said to him, "Your father wasn't my first. Get over yourself."
Sure, but men get way more hung up on the woman's sexual past than the woman gets hung up on the man's. Just look at the hundreds of threads on LS from insecure men tearing their hair out over the fact that their woman had sex in the past. I have never given a bf a hard time about his sexual past, but one of my exes practically tortured me about the fact that I had had ONE sex partner before him. He even went so far as to tell me that if we got married, I couldn't wear white on the wedding day. I told his mom what he said (she asked), and she said to him, "Your father wasn't my first. Get over yourself."
I agree with you fully. I think the madonna whore complexes most men carry around are gross.
Women have a bit of this too, just like men have a bit of the insecurity thing. But I agree with your assessment of the distribution.
But at this point in my life I find I have to pick and choose where I can be idealistic versus pragmatic, and partner's past sexual history is well down on that list of things.
That's interesting. Pragmatically, we should know our partner's sexual history?
I think not.
STD-free and relationship history* is plenty telling and enough. If there is a sexual issue that is interfering with the current relationship, it will have to be discussed of course, as any other interfering issue. THAT is pragmatic to me.
*even then, only to a certain extent, in regards to the relationship history.
That's interesting. Pragmatically, we should know our partner's sexual history?
I think not.
STD-free and relationship history is plenty telling and enough. If there is a sexual issue that is interfering with the current relationship, it will have to be discussed of course, as any issues. THAT is pragmatic to me.
I think you totally misread my post. I was saying I would not be idealistic and think "oh yes for this true love we must disclose fully!" and instead be pragmatic and say "OK no need to dump out all our history to each other right up front let's play it by ear."
Agreed re health issues. However I feel the same pragmatism about relationship history than I do with sexual history, in fact I feel it would be hard to separate the two in any serious in-depth discussion.
How about the middle ground. Not my particular deal breakers, but you get the drift...
Wifey: Did you sleep with Linda?
Hubby: Sure honey, it felt great I couldn't believe I was actually sleeping with a former Miss USA!
That's called diahrrea of the mouth, as well as passive-aggressive lashing out by the husband. Instead of the husband answering as such, all he needed to say was:
Hubby: Yes, I did.
But you also have to ask why this wasn't disclosed by the husband, previous to the wife asking.
Quote:
Hubby: Hey, I see the Jockson brothers sent you a Christmas card, that was nice!
Wifey: Well they better considering I Chinese Fingercuffed them on Xmas 2003!
[Hubby curls into ball and sucks thumb. By Christmas 2010, things are much better]
Refer to my above comments, interchanging husband and wife. This is what happens when there's non-disclosure to begin with. That the two got to marriage without being open with each other, is a serious problem already.
Quote:
Anyway another thing I want to point out, I would much prefer total honesty, but stop well short of requiring or even expecting it. I would never ever want to make my partner feel ashamed, or like she couldn't tell me something important, especially sexually where shame is so easy and there are a variety of hurtful things that could have happened. Likewise I'd really like to know all about it, even that last BF Mr. Hung, at least in the long run, and would much prefer someone who finds my rumpus with the cheerleading squad (OK, not really but a guy can dream) interesting rather than repugnant.
But at this point in my life I find I have to pick and choose where I can be idealistic versus pragmatic, and partner's past sexual history is well down on that list of things.
If someone is hung up on their sexual behaviour of the past, that's also a big, red flag.
It's not idealism. It's what makes for viable relationships.
My entire past isn't lily white but not in reference to sexuality. But I'm not ashamed to disclose it. Until you accept your own past, it will always be an insecurity. Own it.
For example, my ex-H cheated on me, so I divorced him. Not only did I divorce him, I ripped his heart out in the process, including getting revenge on the OW involved by manipulating her into taking action, action that tore her family apart. Three years later, I still feel no remorse about a second of it.
This information since the divorce, has been disclosed right up front to potential partners. I own it. It's my past. It's possible that if it were to happen again, I might repeat it. Who knows since no one can predict the future.
[/I]
That's called diahrrea of the mouth, as well as passive-aggressive lashing out by the husband.
No, it's called humor, or at least an attempt on it on my part. I was pretty sure the "curls into a ball and sucks thumb" part would give that away, my bad I guess!
The reader was meant to infer that wifey knew beforehand that Linda was teen usa and asked. They do broadcast such things nationally. Clearly the christmas card thing was nonsense as well, the point was wifey slept with two men and hubby couldn't deal.
I think most guys would be equally concerned about me being a slut as they would about me having cheated.
Most people are concerned about a person's faithfulness. Not everyone equates threesomes to slutsville however.
Quote:
I wouldn't ask someone I really liked if they ever had a threesome, because if he said yes I'd have to dump him.
I would think that you wouldn't ask because you don't want to reveal your own past moreso than because of what you may do or not.
Quote:
If they push it, you tell them only what they would want to hear, and anything unsavoury you keep to yourself because it'll only damage your relationship.
It'll damage a fragile relationship, that much is true.
I think you totally misread my post. I was saying I would not be idealistic and think "oh yes for this true love we must disclose fully!" and instead be pragmatic and say "OK no need to dump out all our history to each other right up front let's play it by ear."
Agreed re health issues. However I feel the same pragmatism about relationship history than I do with sexual history, in fact I feel it would be hard to separate the two in any serious in-depth discussion.
So pragmatic is saying, "OK no need to dump out all our history to each other right up front let's play it by ear." I get that, and agree.
However, I do distinguish relationship history from sexual history. That is just a personal distinction I guess. It seems relationship history is who you've had a serious relationship with, versus sexual history includes all the promiscuity.
I think the relationship history is telling enough. The sexual history is only a problem if it manifest itself as a problem in the current relationship.
However, I do distinguish relationship history from sexual history. That is just a personal distinction I guess. It seems relationship history is who you've had a serious relationship with, versus sexual history includes all the promiscuity.
I think the relationship history is telling enough. The sexual history is only a problem if it manifest itself as a problem in the current relationship.
Fair enough. Into which category go statements like "My last GF of three years and I were exhibitionists"?
Sure, but men get way more hung up on the woman's sexual past than the woman gets hung up on the man's. Just look at the hundreds of threads on LS from insecure men tearing their hair out over the fact that their woman had sex in the past. I have never given a bf a hard time about his sexual past, but one of my exes practically tortured me about the fact that I had had ONE sex partner before him. He even went so far as to tell me that if we got married, I couldn't wear white on the wedding day. I told his mom what he said (she asked), and she said to him, "Your father wasn't my first. Get over yourself."
Bull****.
Not to suggest men arent, they may well be.
Women however are far more creative and unpredictable as to how far down the chain they are willing to go to upset themselves. Women are far more inclined to compare every aspect of themselves to another woman and obsess over it.
And the more attractive the female, the more it seems to be true. Perhaps because theyve invested so much of their self worth into their looks. At least with respect to physical appearance.
Men are far more oblivious and quite frankly unrealistically confident in their bodies by way of example with the exception of the obvious for some.
I would think that you wouldn't ask because you don't want to reveal your own past moreso than because of what you may do or not.
If I don't want to reveal my own past, I won't. It has nothing to do with what my partner does or does not tell me. He can have verbal diarrhoea and I still won't divulge anything beyond what I want to tell him. How does he know that I even have anything to reveal if I don't tell him so? Let him assume I have nothing to tell, if he wants.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
