I didnt listen to the whole thing, but the beginning was, This is Mrs. MM. Im sure you know who I am. Stay away from my H, stay away from my family. What kind of woman takes up with a MM. (I guess I could say her, since she was his OW when he left his first M - ha ha).
I find the whole timing to be really odd.
I mean, we had a hot and heavy A for months. Then, it ended two weeks ago, and we have had extremely limited contact since then.
This week, he pours out his heart, says hell do whatever it takes to get me back, and thats when I told him he needs to file, move out, and see a therapist. I mean, I told him this yesterday. He agreed, then mentioned he was pursuing getting the D papers on his own, since I had tossed them out already.
I didnt hear from him today, but thats not usual, considering I had told him until he did these things, we had no reason to communicate and I was moving on.
He also told me many times that he wished he met me after this was all over, so he could have been acting on his own and planned on telling me when he left.
I mean, if he decided to stay with his W, he would have absolutely no reason to tell her about me at this point. And if she confronted him on it, I would think he would deny deny deny, as he had decided he was staying and wouldnt want to rock the boat with her.
I have no idea what happened. She didnt call me from his phone, but from what I heard of the message, shes pretty convinced we were having an A. Though she didnt use my name or anything.
I dont know if he filed today, left her a note he was done, moved out, didnt delete our last text messages (he was always really really good about doing this) or what. I have no clue!
I have to think he did something that outted me/us or he walked out on her, and she decided to sleuth him out and check phone records, etc. and took a stab in the dark at me after seeing thousands of texts messages on his phone bill. Because if after all this, he decided to stay with her and keep things ended with me, he would never have let her know about me. Thats for sure.
And he wouldnt tell her about me so she would confront me and make sure I stayed away, because I had already walked and we were over!
Why odd? She probably found out HE has been lying to her - Again. Probably told her that there has been no contact..And that's a lie since you say you've been in LC with him. She could have stumbled across an email, or text.
Either way, stay clear and whatever you do, don't contact him.
AF
I am so sorry to hear this, man you have been through a lot, so much. This is all suspicious and odd, and the timing, yeah interesting. All I can say is wow, and that I hope you get some answers and clarity soon and that you are okay.
FYI - just from my experience, I got a call from my xmm's wife as well. At the time, he was separated and living apart from her, I had no idea he moved back in (confessed later)...so I got a call from a women, in heated rage, saying WHO IS THIS, HOW DO YOU KNOW xxx, STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND. So, what I thought at the time, after I finished puking, was that she was just mad that he moved on, hurt, and wanted him back...and just was protecting her territory. I had no idea he was even seeing her at all. What the truth was, is that he moved back in with her, without telling me, and i never knew what he told her about me, proably that i was a friend or some women with a crush that was chasing him. So my point is ((hugs first)) but also, you just never know whats going on or what really happened. Thats the hard part.
I hope and pray you get answers soon, and can either move forward or know that he is leaving and working toward you. I am so so sorry, I do know how this feels to get one of these calls. I was beside myself and shocked as I did not know he was still with her, etc.
I send love and keep us posted. Do you drink? If so, have a glass of wine and stay clear.....if possible, lol. The hardest part is not knowing, so hang in there and hopefully the answers will come soon.
Hard to know what happens when the sh** hits the fan
(((HUGS))))
Why odd? She probably found out HE has been lying to her - Again. Probably told her that there has been no contact..And that's a lie since you say you've been in LC with him. She could have stumbled across an email, or text.
Either way, stay clear and whatever you do, don't contact him.
Odd because I think of all the months he spent hours and hours with me, and she never knew. Now that for all intents and purposes, its over and we have had extremely LC for weeks, she finds out!
I do know shes been very suspicious for a few weeks. That is what started all our recent fighting, as he would put me on lockdown, and tell me not to call or text at certain times because she was around. She had gotten the point of calling his work to see when he would leave, and was checking his cell phone all the time, too.
Yes, she could have come across a text (we dont email) and confronted him on it, and then decided to check phone records and figured I had to be the OW.
Or, he could have walked out on her and she still put two and two together.
I have no idea.
But, I will say that if after all of this, and his begging this week, that if he decides to stay with her, then they both truly deserve each other.
I dont plan on contacting him, as you suggested. I figure if he never contacts me again, then he was fully aware of her contacting him and was OK with it. If he does, then Im really anxious to hear what happened that made her figure things out, and also when it was done!
Quote:
Originally Posted by learnfrommymistakes
AF
I am so sorry to hear this, man you have been through a lot, so much. This is all suspicious and odd, and the timing, yeah interesting. All I can say is wow, and that I hope you get some answers and clarity soon and that you are okay.
FYI - just from my experience, I got a call from my xmm's wife as well. At the time, he was separated and living apart from her, I had no idea he moved back in (confessed later)...so I got a call from a women, in heated rage, saying WHO IS THIS, HOW DO YOU KNOW xxx, STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND. So, what I thought at the time, after I finished puking, was that she was just mad that he moved on, hurt, and wanted him back...and just was protecting her territory. I had no idea he was even seeing her at all. What the truth was, is that he moved back in with her, without telling me, and i never knew what he told her about me, proably that i was a friend or some women with a crush that was chasing him. So my point is ((hugs first)) but also, you just never know whats going on or what really happened. Thats the hard part.
I hope and pray you get answers soon, and can either move forward or know that he is leaving and working toward you. I am so so sorry, I do know how this feels to get one of these calls. I was beside myself and shocked as I did not know he was still with her, etc.
I send love and keep us posted. Do you drink? If so, have a glass of wine and stay clear.....if possible, lol. The hardest part is not knowing, so hang in there and hopefully the answers will come soon.
Hard to know what happens when the sh** hits the fan
(((HUGS))))
Yes! Its the not knowing thats tough. For all I know, he walked out her, left her papers, and has no idea she contacted me. Or, he could have been sitting right there, and when she confronted him, he threw me under the bus.
I am not totally shocked, just more surprised at the timing of it all. I mean, the A is basically over as he got the ultimatum yesterday, and then I get a call from his W?
I just have to think he did something that let her know he was leaving, and since she was already suspicious of him lately, she did some digging, and I seemed like the likely suspect.
But, if I find out he told her about me, then threw me under the bus, knew she called me, and did nothing to forewarn me about it, then I will forever see him as a huge wimp.
Anyway, try not to put all the blame on her, I sense alot of bitterness towards here. This was her life, and he's turned it upside down. If she has JUST figured out/found out about the A, then she is reacting...And upset.
Another thing, you really have NO IDEA what he's told her, if anything. Or maybe he confessed. Maybe he threw you under the bus. Never say never... Just look at Stampdaddy's situation that ended. His MW of 5+ years threw HIM under the bus..
Anyway, if he did throw you under the bus, it's because he's chosen to stay married and protect himself. In his eyes, if he has to make a choice between staying married and protecting you, he's gonna pick the marriage and do what she wants him to do..
Anyway, try not to put all the blame on her, I sense alot of bitterness towards here. This was her life, and he's turned it upside down. If she has JUST figured out/found out about the A, then she is reacting...And upset.
Another thing, you really have NO IDEA what he's told her, if anything. Or maybe he confessed. Maybe he threw you under the bus. Never say never... Just look at Stampdaddy's situation that ended. His MW of 5+ years threw HIM under the bus..
Anyway, if he did throw you under the bus, it's because he's chosen to stay married and protect himself. In his eyes, if he has to make a choice between staying married and protecting you, he's gonna pick the marriage and do what she wants him to do..
Don't react to this..
Well if she hired a PI, I dont know why he fingered me weeks after the A ended, rather then while we were genuinely involved.
I just dont need her contacting me, and I dont appreciate that. Her issue is with him, not me.
He wouldnt confess to her about me, and then tell her who I am, if he decided to stay. A year ago, he ended a year-long A with a woman at work. Someone at work called his W and tipped her off. She went to work, and confronted the OW. The OW denied it, and so did MM. So, I know that if he decided to stay in the M, he most definitely wouldnt have told her about me. Hes already set a precendent on this. He wouldnt have told her about me not so much to protect me, because I agree with you, at that point, his priority would be making her happy and minimizing the damage and he wouldnt care about what happened to me, but he wouldnt have told her because he knows it would make things far uglier for him at that point, and is a lot harder to repair a M that has a confirmed A, rather than a suspected one.
Deal with one thing at a time. She called you. What are you going to do about it?
How she got your name/number really isn't all that important. You were indeed having an affair with her H. Sounds like you don't want to acknowledge that she has cause for calling you. Putting it all on him, and on whatever previous OW he's had makes it sound like you don't think you have had anything to do with him and this affair that's turned to limited contact.
You did say that she's been suspicious for a few weeks. This is what happens when contact becomes less frequent. Any phone number that shows up on his phone becomes suspect because he probably starts acting like she is the love of his life to get her to stop suspecting him (in most cases anyway).
If you have called him or texted him back since she called, you guys are likely pretty busted. But the real question is what are you going to do about it? Talk to her? Ignore her? Talk to him? Meet with him?
Sorry for all the questions. They're rhetorical.
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
I look at just the facts, and they are that his W knows about our defunct A. She clearly thinks were still involved, however.
I delivered the ultimatum to him yesterday, and told him I was no longer going to be his OW and that until or if he left, filed and got therapy, we had no reason to communicate again. So, he knew we were on NC.
I didnt contact him today, nor him me. But again, that was the new rule.
I dont plan on contacting him in the future, either. If he doesnt contact me, then I have my clear answer that he has decided to stay with his W, but in that case, I find it very hard to imagine he would come clean about the A, as he knows the truth would make the M harder to repair, whereas denying it would make things easier at home for him.
If he contacts me with an explanation, or some type of closure, thats fine, but I had already ended this in my mind and heart, and didnt give him good odds on making the break, so to me, this was over and done anyhow. Which is a good thing, as it means Im not flipping out right now and dying to know whats really going on.
So no, I wont contact him, or her. She called and said her peace, and if they are staying together, then they can direct their energy into their M and leave me out of it.
I am betting she saw a text message, she called him and chewed his ass and he, being the wimp he is, didn't call and warn you.
If he knew and didn't warn you --- I hope you rip him a new ass.
I wouldn't automatically assume he has left her. That would just be getting your hopes up and I would hate to see him do that to you again.
Stay far away from her and him.
Actually, I would probably call him and ream him a new butt for (a) not forewarning you she KNEW <cause he HAD to know she knew - he HAD to> (b) being careless <which is why I am so glad texting wasn't around when I was having an A -- how stupid to leave evidence> (c) ask him HOW she found out.
__________________ We teach others how to treat us.
I am betting she saw a text message, she called him and chewed his ass and he, being the wimp he is, didn't call and warn you.
If he knew and didn't warn you --- I hope you rip him a new ass.
I wouldn't automatically assume he has left her. That would just be getting your hopes up and I would hate to see him do that to you again.
Stay far away from her and him.
Actually, I would probably call him and ream him a new butt for (a) not forewarning you she KNEW <cause he HAD to know she knew - he HAD to> (b) being careless <which is why I am so glad texting wasn't around when I was having an A -- how stupid to leave evidence> (c) ask him HOW she found out.
Well the thing is, I havent sent him many messages lately, and the ones I did werent very loving or encouraging. Unless he didnt delete the ones that talked about what he needed to do to get me back and be together, which was the ultimatum stuff we texted about yesterday. Which would very much piss me off for the sheer carelessness. As it is, I found out recently he changed my name in his cell phone from a guys name to a girls name. Why do that?
Im not assuming anything right now about where he is and whats happening.
You could be right about her calling him out, then again, she could have confronted me before confronting him. Remember, she didnt call me from his phone. Who knows. All conjecture at this point!
I would be very mad and him if he threw me under the bus, but I still contend that if he decided to stay in the M, confessing an A would be last thing on his mind. I mean, I was already gone from his life, so its not like he needed to do this to ensure I stayed away. He already explained away one A to her, so I would think he would just do the same thing again.
But no, I dont plan on contacting either of them. As I said, she said her peace (not that listened to it - ha ha), and now they can deal with each other, on whatever terms that may be.
She could be calling from work or home or a friend's phone.
Where is HE? Is he out of town? If so, how could she see text messages?
Your the one who assumed shes seen text messages. I dont know that either way.
For all I know, he filed papers, left her a note, and moved out. She has suspected him of having an A for months, so she could have checked his phone records, seen thousands of texts between us for months, and put two and two together.
I have no idea how she found out, frankly.
I think hes in town. I dont know that either, as we havent exactly been tight lately. I do know that he told me shed been checking his cell phone for a few weeks now, and she definitely saw some from me from a month or so ago, but they were just about me talking about the weather when I was away on a business trip and boring stuff like that.
And I think if she called me from his phone, then I would know for sure that he was fully aware of what was going on.
If she saw the texts, her only reason for contacting you would be fear of losing him. If you clearly stated that you didn't want anything more to do with him while he was married, why would she call? If I were her, I would take that up with him. Whether the W has a right to call the OW or not, what difference would it make to her if she knew the W existed before the call? It's pointless IMO, but may make the W feel better.
If she did not see the texts, she may have found some other evidence and called to stop whatever could be gong on from her POV.
As for MM, he should give you an explanation because I doubt that she called you and didn't say anything to him.
__________________
"He that will not reflect is a ruined man." -Asian Proverb
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