Question. Why is it that the person that does the breaking up often times wants to be friends? I can only see the point in being friends if you were friends before the dating/relationship happened.
i.e. Why would someone who broke up with you (weren't friends before you dated) get all angry when you say you don't want to be friends because you couldn't move on if you were?
The reason I've heard is that "If someone means anything to you, you keep them in your life even if they are just friend." But to go against that, if you care about the person in any way, and you are the one breaking it off with them, shouldn't you be respectful and just let them be if they don't want to be friends?
Question. Why is it that the person that does the breaking up often times wants to be friends? I can only see the point in being friends if you were friends before the dating/relationship happened.
i.e. Why would someone who broke up with you (weren't friends before you dated) get all angry when you say you don't want to be friends because you couldn't move on if you were?
The reason I've heard is that "If someone means anything to you, you keep them in your life even if they are just friend." But to go against that, if you care about the person in any way, and you are the one breaking it off with them, shouldn't you be respectful and just let them be if they don't want to be friends?
If being friends is painful for you or makes you feel uncomfortable don't feel you have to do it. Sometimes it works after people break up, but in my own experience it doesn't work well very often.
She does not have any right to make you feel guilty for not wanting to be friends. She broke up with you. Thanks, but no thanks - what I would say.
I agree with you, mostly. I don't see much point in staying friends with people who broke up with me, or even that I broke up with. I could understand trying if, like you said, you had established a long friendship prior to dating.
I stay "in touch" with two or three guys I dated before, but it was very casual (less than six months) and we went a long time between when we ended things and when we started talking again. And even now, it's a simple text message on birthdays, or commenting once in awhile via Facebook. It's not like we see each other a bunch or anything. I go weeks or even months without talking to those guys.
My recent ex-fiance I am trying to stay friends with but it's b/c I want to reconcile and he says right now he needs my friendship and wants to keep the lines of communication open. Since I screwed up, I am trying to give him what he wants. But to be honest, if we work on this for a few months and he still doesn't want to reconcile, I have no doubt I'll slowly cease our communication. Perhaps some years down the road I could truly be his friend, but it would never be the same, and it's doubtful.
because they are trying to ease the guilt of dumping you and making themselves feel better at your expense. They make themselves feel better because now they are a nice person again after breaking your heart into pieces. Offering friends is apparently supposed to make it better again. they get what they want, you get nothing out of it.
In your instance I suppose maybe they got angry because you aren’t playing their game. And you are right. How are you supposed to move on?
I am going through the same thing. got ditched by my ex gf. Now she wants to be friends. I was caught up in it for awhile. now I think its pointless. We cant just hang out like we used too. and I sure don’t want to hear about what she is doing with someone else. And I sure can’t move on with her hanging around. Its just confusing.
there are plenty of other people out there who will respect and want to be with you.
Last edited by trueblue72ny; 11th November 2009 at 12:13 PM..
This is my first post, wish I had found this site months ago...
Agree with the above. I think being friends just allows your ex to keep you in case their life goes horribly wrong. Someone to depend on, a security blanket. Maybe even someone to come crawling back to. My ex wife was quite upset when I said in no uncertain terms that it was never going to be an option (she did the dumping). Last thing I wanted was having my face rubbed in her new life without me.
As soon as a new love interest comes along your friendship will more than likely be put firmly on the backburner, and once again you get dumped. Not good for you.
I would say do not be friends. What others have said here is true. They do it to make themselves feel better. I've tried doing the friends with exes before, and it ends up being a one sided friendship. You will move on and heal alot quicker by not being friends.
The way I see it, they ended the relationship, they don't want you in that part of their life, so why should they have anything to do with yours? It is really hard but it is better for yourself in the long run
Oh I'm not going to be friends. I went ahad and burnt that bridge down so she'd not mention it again. And I'm pretty sure I was the back burner guy from the start (read some of my other posts if you want to know the story). I think it was a "keep me around because I was one of the only people that never let her down, and made her feel good" kind of thing. I was the only person that would go to a bunch of festivals and events with her.
I mean before we dated only one guy had ever given her flowers, and I bought some and set them up as a surprise for her each month. Also, apparently no one had ever called her gorgeous before, which when I called her that, she found it so sweet and uplifting. So I'm pretty sure she wanted to keep me around because I made her feel good, not because she really wanted me as a friend.
Oh I'm not going to be friends. I went ahad and burnt that bridge down so she'd not mention it again.
Oops! I did exactly the same yesterday. In some ways I think that knowing we are dead and buried (I said some really awful things to ensure we are done...) will definitely help to move on more quickly.
She was keeping me on a string and hitting me with (after an argument) "Well if you thought we might get back together then you can forget it now...". At least 5 times she's said that and each time it gave me new hope and more upset. Not a fair thing to keep saying so I took control and ended any future chance myself...
If an ex cares about you he/she should respect that you might need no contact so that you can let go and move on.
My ex is very keen to be friends, but he also respects that I might not be able to cope with it because I am still in love with him.
I do understand some exes wanting to be friends because they still get on well with that person and care about them, enjoy their company, but just not able to be partners anymore for whatever reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JolliX
Question. Why is it that the person that does the breaking up often times wants to be friends? I can only see the point in being friends if you were friends before the dating/relationship happened.
i.e. Why would someone who broke up with you (weren't friends before you dated) get all angry when you say you don't want to be friends because you couldn't move on if you were?
The reason I've heard is that "If someone means anything to you, you keep them in your life even if they are just friend." But to go against that, if you care about the person in any way, and you are the one breaking it off with them, shouldn't you be respectful and just let them be if they don't want to be friends?
If an ex cares about you he/she should respect that you might need no contact so that you can let go and move on.
My ex is very keen to be friends, but he also respects that I might not be able to cope with it because I am still in love with him.
I do understand some exes wanting to be friends because they still get on well with that person and care about them, enjoy their company, but just not able to be partners anymore for whatever reason.
My ex-fiance wants to be friends with me, too, but he has said he would understand if I can't. The only caveat to that is that if I say I cannot handle it, I think that would be a "sign" to him that we aren't right for each other, and it would totally nix any shot I have of reconciling with him.
If HE had broken it off with ME, I would not even attempt what I'm doing, but given that I am the one who screwed up, treated him horribly and broke it off, and I want to reconcile b/c it was all a mistake, I will suffer through as much as possible. Until I think I just can't make it anymore or he tells me there's no shot at all -- maybe a few months at least.
But I think most circumstances do not lend themselves well to exes staying "friends". It's very rare that it works out to the benefit of both parties, in my experience.
My ex-fiance wants to be friends with me, too, but he has said he would understand if I can't. The only caveat to that is that if I say I cannot handle it, I think that would be a "sign" to him that we aren't right for each other, and it would totally nix any shot I have of reconciling with him.
If HE had broken it off with ME, I would not even attempt what I'm doing, but given that I am the one who screwed up, treated him horribly and broke it off, and I want to reconcile b/c it was all a mistake, I will suffer through as much as possible. Until I think I just can't make it anymore or he tells me there's no shot at all -- maybe a few months at least.
But I think most circumstances do not lend themselves well to exes staying "friends". It's very rare that it works out to the benefit of both parties, in my experience.
My ex said he wanted to be friends and needs me in his life as a friend because I provide so much support and nurturing caring...
I think to myself, then why is it you don't love me?
The friends thing is so silly. I envy the people who can do it, but I know I'd prefer not to.
My ex is starting a relationship with another woman and says he loves her, but he still wants me as a friend.
It completely destroyed me to find out and I know I could suffer through the pain and it would go away, but sometimes letting it go and cutting the contact helps.
Its so confusing to analyze because you don't know if its just hopes or real.
I would definitely suggest that one does take time off to get over the person first.
Then it hurts too when the ex is understanding about it because it just makes them look like good people still!
You just really have to ask yourself if you want the friendship as a way to get back together (just be prepared for the pain, if you're okay with that then go ahead)
or if you really can see yourself as good friends who can laugh and talk about your new significant others. Sometimes it works out but the time off can help you realize where you stand?
My ex wanted to be friends and work on friendship and "if it leads back to a relationship, then that's ok." This just didn't sit well with me, because it was giving hope that we might get back together, which isn't what I needed since she broke up with me. I told her we couldn't be friends, and she asked why so I explained, and she called me immature (all this over texts, b/c she wouldn't talk to me over the phone or in person, even her dumping me was over texts).
I got so mad at that point (being dumped, her saying she wanted me in he life because I was awesome, but just as a friend, etc. just made me lose my temper because it all felt like utter BS), and I told her off just to make her mad so she would stop considering the friend thing.
Well, there is NC now, she hates me and won't even talk to me, but I get to move on now, and so does she. I feel bad for being mean about it because we would have made really good friends if that's what we would have went for to start with, but being friends with someone you see as more than friends just doesn't work when you don't mean that much to them.
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Otherwise known as a tragedy. lol 
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