SO lets get down to it, I have yet heard one woman (besides Lizzie maybe..no offense Lizzie...not at all) but I don't hear how GREAT AFFAIRS ARE.
No matter how deep the love and time commitment these MM put toward the OW, things seem to never end well...I mean why should they really?
WHoever wants to glamorize an affair can go right ahead, but basically they are a twisted mess of crap. Most men will not choose you in the end no matter what, or there would not be hundreds of thousands of people posting here. Sure some Marriages end and the the OW and MM end up together, but usually enough damage has been done to ruin it in the end anyway. Not being a downer, but being a realist. Something borne from lies, has the potential to bear more lies and pain....right?
You cant trust him, and maybe, just maybe this wonderful married man also cant trust you and lost some respect for you, the other woman, you or me, whomever. I mean if you were willing to be in a relationship with him, willing to settle for this, maybe eventually they start loosing respect for you, for doing what you do. You are living the lie right along with him....so a MM will pick or end up with a woman that wont tell, that will meet his needs, and be the fntasy, but in the end, when you start having needs and speaking them, and they see you are not the exact same way you were in the affair, they bolt. Affairs are selfish and lead to a whole boat load of crap, how on earth can we think the majority or some will end will, when most do not.
All three people have been scared for life probably, sorry but this is how I see it. SO lets just assume as the OW he choses you in the end? And you were a secret for 1 year or 5 years...how does he then expalin all the time, and bring you into the family, and how do you keep your own dignity with his kids staring you in the face wondering how you could do that to his mom, or how dad could do this with you, the OW? If we choose to live this life, the consequences are so deep, its unbelievable.
WHO wants to admit they fell in love with the OW while being married....? and then explain the love story and moments you shared, which were moments he was lying to others...
its all a bunch of crap, lol
Sorry i am a bit angry today and need to get off these groups for a day, lol
the stories are unreal, and so painful, and its just sad.
this place can make you crazy, lol..LOVE SHACK BABY!...thats where it at...I got me a Chrysler, that sits about 20, so hurry on up and bring your jukebox money, LS, baby LS...okay I digress. We all need a song now and then
It might very well still end badly, but man, so far the journey has been well worth it! I don't regret a day of the over one thousand days my MM and I have shared together.
__________________
"We make a choice to stay with a person because we love them.
Everything isn't exactly like we'd like, but because we love the person, we deal with it." GEL
If you have read my posts, you know I am living the "very few end well" and I ended up with the MM i was having an affair with. Seems every post I write, I WARN. Be careful what you wish for.... What a mess!
I really agree with what you wrote, very well said!
Hello again its me
For those OW hoping, dreaming of the fairytale, I am sorry I did not mean to burst your bubble, just was trying to get out some feelings and call a spade a spade. If I told you the countless times over 6 years that I thought my long distance exMM/separated when we met...would just call me and say IT IS YOU, its been YOU since we met, I would have killed for it.
Even though he loved me and was separated at times, like when we met, he did not choose me. He is NOW officially divorced and not choosing me. He is going to come visit, but not once did he say ITS YOU, come visit, I will do anthing to have a chance with US. WHile I know he cares and wants to see me, I think it is still to fill a certain place, a fantasy and heated weekend, not to share a life, or a deeper bond. He feels strong for me, and loves me, but in his mind I think he wanted what we had, not what WE COULD HAVE or can have, he wanted the role/person/scenario we had, but I dont think he wants what we COULD have. It is very different dating a man who has had the same wife for 30 years, and dating or seeing that same man as a single man, free of a committment that he finally finally ended because it had to end. Rarely do these men then want to jump right into an emotionall charged, dense, heavy thing.
They probably need some time to date, explore, grow and heal, and then if u were meant to be you were. You dont want to be the fall back girl and have to compete against the whole world of women. When you are the affair you usually are only competing, or being compare to the wife, who obviously is not ideal for the MM. you have it easier because in comparison you are less demanding, you dont share the same burdens and woes and troubles a marriage, or marriahe with kids does, and you can be seen in all your glory, the way out, the one he wants...
BUT I think it is not likely that your relationship with the exmm will stay the same and have the same heat or passion or whatever it is that made u be with him in the first place. THINGS CHANGE, this aint no fairytale princess
For those who are happy and met a great match, and u ended up together, wonderful for you. No matter what there is pain, and i just cant get over the hurts and lies, to the WS, no matter how bad the marriage is, it is hard to look at a man and respect him, when he has lied to the person he should cherish the most, his spouse (and kids). It sux ass hah?
I am not casting the evil glance at OW, I was one, but I am saying I have a lot of sympathy and empathy and sadness for the spouse who is being lied to and betrayed. I cant respect my now divorced man because i know the lies he was willing to tell his own family and friends....why should i think he would any better to me, hell no
OKAY off my soap box
cheers
lffm
I have to say my ended up well to a point....As those who know my story I(MM) was in a abusive marriage. I didn't realize my situation till I noticed my MW was in one herself. So maybe I didn't end up with my MW but I did use her as the catalyst to get my divorce started and now have been technically for 6 months. So in that sense it went well for me as my exW has proven she still very unstable and I'm glad to be rid of her.
As for my MW....she chose not to do anything....she lied to me and gave me dates but in the long scheme of things she was to weak to move in the same direction as me. She was fully aware of the abusive situation she was in but chose to stay.
I've finally accepted that all things must come to an end and I was not lucky like some of the people who came together from a unhealthy situation. But I have so much to be thankful for.....my health, children and friends. Please folks see the signs early....like Stampdaddy and myself don't spend 4 or 5 years on something that won't happen within the first year. What a waste of time it was...LESSON LEARNED.
They don't end well, affairs. I never expected it to.
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I caused other people but I do feel in my heart that it was just as painful for me as anyone. I got back all the pain I gave out and then some.
And yet...
I don't regret a single second of it. It was a crucial moment in my life and through that relationship, everything changed for me. He was a young man way over his head and I loved him with all my heart. And I still do. And I know that he loved me too, deeply and sincerely. But he had to go and he did.
But I am content now to go on with my life and pursue other adventures with people who love me and value me and who aren't committed to someone else. I miss him every day and I think about him every day but I know it's infinitely better not to be in touch with him. He was a true soul connection to me-- a soulmate present in the flesh.
I will always be grateful for his presence in my life but I am very happy and ready to let him go and wish him the best for his life, as I hope somewhere on the other side of the world, he does for me. He tried to hang onto me after he left for a long time but I think that's down to naivete more than anything else. I don't fault him for that. It's all happening the way it's supposed to for both of us, of that I am confident.
I get angry and upset and sad somedays still but at least he has gone and I don't have to watch him drive by with his girlfriend or go to work and see him everyday. I was very lucky in that respect.
For those who are happy and met a great match, and u ended up together, wonderful for you. No matter what there is pain, and i just cant get over the hurts and lies, to the WS, no matter how bad the marriage is, it is hard to look at a man and respect him, when he has lied to the person he should cherish the most, his spouse (and kids). It sux ass hah?
The pain cuts both ways. I had my heart ripped out when I discovered my H's affair. Then I had my own revenge affair then fell in love with XOM and he ripped my heart out when he ended things with me to continue with his GF. I recently was blindsided by my H again with a new affair (he won't admit to but I received an anonymous email from OW). All these affairs suck a** . All of them. If I knew what I know now I never would have had one. I don't care how much time is invested in the affair, the pain upon the ending is so detrimental. God knows my H's OW must be in pain now because he has chosen ME. I am not sure what I want anymore. My life is a mess, my H's fault and mine... where is the throwing up smiley?
The pain cuts both ways. I had my heart ripped out when I discovered my H's affair. Then I had my own revenge affair then fell in love with XOM and he ripped my heart out when he ended things with me to continue with his GF. I recently was blindsided by my H again with a new affair (he won't admit to but I received an anonymous email from OW). All these affairs suck a** . All of them. If I knew what I know now I never would have had one. I don't care how much time is invested in the affair, the pain upon the ending is so detrimental. God knows my H's OW must be in pain now because he has chosen ME. I am not sure what I want anymore. My life is a mess, my H's fault and mine... where is the throwing up smiley?
Well you know what you have to do to break the cycle... It all begins with you!!!
I have a good friend in her mid 80s (more than 30 years older than me). We met more than 20 years ago at a common interest group, that our husbands were not involved in, and over the years became close. I have never noticed the age difference as we have always hit it off on so many levels.
A couple of years ago (before I knew anything of my H's long term affair) she confided that more than 30 years earlier she had started an A with a MM. He had a stroke and then she had ended the A shortly before she told me about it, because he was no longer the same person (mentally) that she had been in love with. She described him to me as her soulmate and the love of her life. Their partners never even had an inkling of it apparently.
About a year later her H died. This was just after their 60th wedding anniversary - he surprised her by hiring a Rolls Royce, which drove them to a posh restaurant, flew their children home from interstate and did the big celebration. A few months later the OM also died, leaving my friend feeling very sad and lonely. But she definitely intensely mourned the loss of her H.
She has now met another man who she describes as besotted with her; and has confided in me how sexually compatible they are.
I don't know if this counts as a good ending or not. My friend has no regrets as far as I can tell - but I suspect she has no idea what it would have been like to go through a d-day. Her OM was married twice during their A but my friend never wanted to leave her H and M. I suspect she is a little unusual in that regard. I asked her if she had told her new man but she says "no" that I am the only one who she has ever told.
The saddest thing for me is that since my own d-day I am looking at her in a different light. I try hard not to be judgmental of her because the reasons for our friendship are nothing to do with her M or A. Still I cannot help that unfortunately it has changed the way I think of her.
Well I have to disagree.. it doesn't ALWAYS ends bad..
Let me 'repeat' my very first experience as an OW.. I was the OW for 11 years (with my first ex)... his W knew from the beginning (well almost).. I was the babysitter.. (15)... they had 2 more kids later.. she thought he would eventually stop... doesn't work that way.. we were madly in love..
Anyway... after 11 years, she finally left..
He moved in with me.. I was 26.. had a daughter .. he had 3 kids..
He raised my daughter as if it was his own.. I told him when he moved with me.. that I was not his W.. and I would NEVER put up with what she put up with.. if he wanted to live his 'single' life.. then go for it.. but leave me alone.. he stayed..
His family knew we had an affair.. in fact, everybody knew.. but we were sooo excited to be together.. that nothing mattered..
We later had a son... I was 31..
I completely trusted him.. all those years.. we were always always together.. doing everything together.. he was like a woman in the house.. doing ALL the cooking, helping me with the kids, the house chores.. etc..
We rarely fought... I was the 'strongest' one.. He became extremely jealous after I quit smoking.. and my body changed.. (my boobs became huge).. it's sounds weird..but that's what happened... he couldn't stand the other men looking at me.. he even had arguments with my brother-in-laws who were joking about it.. he became soooo freaken jealous..
I finally left him after 18 years... I'm quite sure we'd still be together today.. if I hadn't leave..
There are success stories out there.. even on here. I'm thinking GEL... and OWoman.
I have a good friend in her mid 80s (more than 30 years older than me). We met more than 20 years ago at a common interest group, that our husbands were not involved in, and over the years became close. I have never noticed the age difference as we have always hit it off on so many levels.
A couple of years ago (before I knew anything of my H's long term affair) she confided that more than 30 years earlier she had started an A with a MM. He had a stroke and then she had ended the A shortly before she told me about it, because he was no longer the same person (mentally) that she had been in love with. She described him to me as her soulmate and the love of her life. Their partners never even had an inkling of it apparently.
About a year later her H died. This was just after their 60th wedding anniversary - he surprised her by hiring a Rolls Royce, which drove them to a posh restaurant, flew their children home from interstate and did the big celebration. A few months later the OM also died, leaving my friend feeling very sad and lonely. But she definitely intensely mourned the loss of her H.
She has now met another man who she describes as besotted with her; and has confided in me how sexually compatible they are.
I don't know if this counts as a good ending or not. My friend has no regrets as far as I can tell - but I suspect she has no idea what it would have been like to go through a d-day. Her OM was married twice during their A but my friend never wanted to leave her H and M. I suspect she is a little unusual in that regard. I asked her if she had told her new man but she says "no" that I am the only one who she has ever told.
The saddest thing for me is that since my own d-day I am looking at her in a different light. I try hard not to be judgmental of her because the reasons for our friendship are nothing to do with her M or A. Still I cannot help that unfortunately it has changed the way I think of her.
I think this woman sounds amazing! Confiding in how sexually compatible she is with her new boyfriend and she is past 80!! This has made my whole night, let me tell you.
I think either she and her husband had an unspoken understanding and/or she is minimising the effect the affair had on her marriage. I don't believe for one second that a long term affair (or indeed any affair of any importance) doesn't impact on the primary relationship. She sounds fantastic to me!
my affair was GREAT, AMAZING, PERFECT, WONDERFUL...until it ended. ask me two months ago and i woudl have said it was the best thing that had happened in my life. ask me now...not so much.
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