Today at work we were talking & I just wanted to get the guys thoughts on this that are going thru the big "D"......
When my former wife first moved out (almost 2 yrs before we divorced) & we separated with the hopes of making our marriage work it really hit me hard because she did all or most of the housework.
I did some laundry but not much & I could do the dishes, but didn't do much cooking.
So when she left I was scared to death, but was it because of my marriage & losing my wife or was it because I would have to take care of myself for the first time??
We got married two years after high school & both of us were still living with our folks at the time so for me I was never on my own, never had to do all that home type stuff........
Once I learned I could do that and I started to work on me when we did get back together I started to dislike what we had because I started to see (without knowing it) what I wanted in life....
So my question is for the guys & I guess it could be for the gals as well.....
Is it the marriage, the family atmosphere that we are scared we are losing or is it really that person that we married that we are afraid and sad that we are losing???????
And if it is the person that we thought we loved is why we are so sad, then how could someone else have that much control over "our" lives?????
If you go by stats, in my case I was doomed because they say couples that get married before they are 25-27 the divorce rate is like 80%.
Like Gunny has preached over & over, we fall in love & think we have all the answers but in reality we have NO FREAKING CLUE!!!!!
So that is just something to think about, just wondering what others feel???
__________________ God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
When my first wife and I divorced years ago, I was crushed, and quite a mess for a while. I thought it was something I could fix, but wasn't mature enough at that age to realize that we were terribly mismatched and highly dysfuntional. Part of it was the fear of losing this particular person I had been with for years, and the other part was that I really believed I loved this person, even though they made me so unhappy.
So, after much pain and emotional trauma (about 4+ months) I started picking myself back up, and began dating again. This time though, I had grown wiser, and looked for someone who had the same goals and values that I had, rather than just be with someone because they were drop dead gorgeous.
See, I was kicked out when I was 15, immediately moved in w/ a G/F and her family. That relationship ended as highschool did and I met my STBXW. Began living together about 3 months into our relationship, during that 3 months I was actually homeless and lived outside of my work in my car most of the time.
So I've never really done ANYTHING for myself. I.E. Dishes/Laundry/Cleaning and basically just taking care of myself. I've always had a woman in my life that did that stuff. Always. I even sunk as far as asking a girl at work if she could show me how to fold laundry. Sad day when a 23yr old man can't fold a t-shirt. I look around at my house and its a mess. I never knew I was this sloppy, because I've always been taken care of. I did the financial support, and was taken care of at home.
So yes, I do miss her, but I miss the things she did as well I guess.
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it leave never would you, you show could I if
At the start, I missed both, took being alone to appreciate how much she really did do, to be honest, I'm a little embarassed to admit that i didn't give her near as much credit as she deserved. Muddling through however, I can do it all myself and take a certain measure of pride when i can cook a meal or clean the house. While i definitely miss the help, I would feel bad if I could say that this was what I missed most.
TOJAZ
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Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
I was not in this situation b/c I did everything, including cleaning his shoes, he cooked (b/c I can burn water! LOL) but other than that in 10 years he did not clean the bathroom once. In fact he never did anything for me, even when I had had an operation, I still had to wash and iron my own clothes and put the vacum on two days later, with stiches in my stomach.
However, I'm going off the point I wanted to make and that is this, for me my partner was my family, pure and simple, for me it's not about what he did or didn't do for me, whether we shared goals had the same values etc, for me all that was irrelevant. People are not disposible IMO, we should not want them for what they give us, what they can do for us, b/c they are the perfect person, what we want them to be, no one is perfect, we are all human. I loved him for him being him, I just wanted to be with HIM and spend my time and life with HIM, he was my family, it hurts so much to read some of the recent posts on here, people thinking of leaving b/c their marriage is not perfect, not everything they wanted it to be, rewriting history to say they never loved their spouse, saying things like he is not good enough, not what I want for me etc, IMO these people are missing the point, it seems they forget why they loved the person in the first place, I will never understand this, it's just not within my make up to think that way, not b/c I have been left, but b/c your spouse is family.
I was in a similar situation. Married within 2 years out of high school. Married for 11 years. together for 12. Not much time on my own. I didn't cook, or do the shopping or laundry and I got to learn it all really fast. And am still learning. After a little counseling I learned that the biggest part of my fear was not all that or the fact of being a single dad of three but it was and is the loss of control I feel.
She left, all these new things happening I wasn't planning on, its just like driving down the road and hitting an ice patch and having your car start spinning down the freeway causing this huge fear of loss of control. When your spinning, sure your thinking about what you might hit, and what if you avoided that ice patch but I think the biggest part of the fear is the sudden loss of control you once had over your car (or your life). It gets easier and less fearful with time because you start to get control back after awhile. And I assume thats why its always the ones being left behind that takes the longest to recover.
I would say my first impression was I missed the intimacy, but later realized it was only my perception and not reality. IMO, initially, loss of intimacy was my biggest fear of divorcing. Fear of not having an committed outlet for my intrinsic nature of caring.
As far as the rest, I was single for many years and functioned quite comfortably. The loss of the 'housekeeper' was pretty much a moot point because I shared those responsibilities anyway and did them entirely alone when single before. I'm back to clipping coupons and shopping sales
For me it was 10000000% the fear of losing the woman I loved with everything in my heart, the woman I committed to 'til the day I die, the woman I called my wife. Now known as my STBXW. :-(
__________________ Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky - you can see the stars & still not see the light...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now it's your turn girl to cry...
"It was because she took me rum! " Captain Jack Sparrow
LOL!!! Gunny, I'm going to change screen names with you, you're a Trip!!
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Trippi
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"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
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" Captain Jack Sparrow
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