When I was with xMM I make many decisions based on what was best for "us". We spent a considerable amount of time together (practically lived together M-F) and it was easy and natural to make decisions taking him into account.
He was very good to me and never did anything that was against my interests, but his decisions were made with different considerations in mind.
Now on the one hand I appreciate that he was legally married to someone else, so to a degree his decisions had to be made on a different basis.
However what I had not appreciated was that MY decisions should NOT have taken into account what was best for "us" they should have been based on what was best for ME.
Unless and until he divorced (never happened) I should not have made "our future" a factor in my decisions.
At the time, I needed to believe, I read some of the things posted by others and all I can say is dont do it, dont base your life on what a married person may or may not do in the future.
With my ex-MM, he was planning a future with me, but I didnt change one aspect of my life to accommodate that. He was basically puzzle-piecing in around my life. I think I knew all along he would punk out.
This is the tough part. When my MM talks about next spring and golf season or other things he wants to do in the future makes me hopeful. Yet on the other hand we can never "really" realistically make plans because he is still married.
This is my first MM which is why my lines get confusing. I, here on LS have gotten called out on the fact that I have to keep remembering he isn't single and this isn't a regular dating situation which is why I have trouble understanding this whole affair. I am thinking he is single and gearing my thoughts to why won't he do this? Or why can't he do that? and its because he's married and not single. Duh (directed at myself)
After reading so many things here I am finally beginning to understand this. I think that I was so hurt and upset a few weeks ago because I was in the "mindset" that MM was not married and treating this as someone I was dating who was single because that is the only type of relationship that I normally am involved in.
I also slipped into the "making myself available" for him mode. I clearly now (looking back) rearranged MY life and plans to when he was available. This was a little easier for me because I was home for 7 weeks recovery from surgery (I could barely walk so where was I going? lol). Now I am back to work and had some time to think about things and will not do this anymore. I didn't answer when he called last night upon arriving home from Florida - because I was tired and honestly just didn't feel like seeing him.
I am also "busy" today and tomorrow morning am going to the gym and then my girlfriend & I are going to an IMAX show & lunch tomorrow- so I'm busy all day tomorrow also. Too bad.
I can't ever again let someone have more "power" over me than I have over myself. I just can't. And if this situation doesn't work out for me then it doesn't. Will I cry? yes. Will I be incredibly hurt? yes. But I have to maintain some sense of dignity and control over me and what's best for ME. Because my life is about ME- not him.
Gosh I sound like a bee-atch? huh, lol.
Someone had posted something like "Come on a 33 year relationship vs a 4 month one and you think he's going to leave her for you?"- My response is that he wouldn't be leaving a 33 year marriage FOR me- he would be leaving it because it was his decision and he's miserable.
Alpha- you didn't rearrange anything for him? wow. How did he feel puzzle-piecing himself in and around your life? I wonder why he would go so far with you and then not be able to pull the trigger so to speak? I mean, I just don't understand- and if I remember correctly it was 1 week before that he told you? How are you managing? Does he still call? (sorry if you have already posted about this) Do you still see him? If you do how do you contain your bitterness? or anger? or sadness?
Di you seriously expected it to be like a normal dating relationship even tho he was married?
The reason they will fit themselves into your time schedule is because they are getting something from the relatoinship too. And if I may generalize here most people dont value something that is handed to them on a plate, ready and waiting whenever they are free. You have to get past this idea that people cheat because they are looking for a new spouse. They dont.
People who are looking for a new spouse, divorce. People who cheat may in a small number of cases divorce but an A is not typically the launching pad.
jj-
So, in a nutshell yes.
Your right,
Your right and
Your right.
I did think it would be like a normal relationship. Delusional, I know that now. Because he was treating me as if we were in a normal relationship. I wouldn't have slept with a guy or allowed him to stay over for the first few months so him not doing that was ok in the beginning. It was when we started having sex when it hit me. I was rushing home from work to "wait and see" if he called and was coming over for a few hours instead of me going to the gym or going to a movie or whatever. And your right about people not valueing something that's handed to them on a plate- And your right (again) about me having to get PAST this idea.
*BIG SIGH*
I know I'm an idiot- but I try think that I am a "smarter" idiot if there is such a thing, lol.
The important thing right now for me is not to dwell on what I have already done, but what I can from this point forward that's best for me.
I can't honestly say I can continue this A because I don't think I can handle him leaving "right after".
For now I am doing what works for me- which is making plans and doing things without him as if he doesn't exist. So far I've been able to ignore his calls and am busy next week everynight and lots of family are flying in for my niece's bat-mitzvah next weekend so although this will come to a head eventually I won't have to realistically deal with him at the earliest for another week and a half. The longer I go without seeing or speaking to him the better for me to try and break away. And better for him to realize that I am not his doormat "ready, eager and willing".
DiDi
Good luck and yes it is always hard to see outside of the situation that we are so intimately involved with. Some women wait 5, 10 15 years, have affairs that last longer than marriages....so the eariler you realize this is probably not healthy or safe, or whatever words may fit, the better. I am not judging you, and I am sorry you are hurting from this situation. Can I ask, how is it that you see him so much or saw him so much, does he travel lot or does his wife? How did u end up with him in the first place?
All I can is I came on this list over a year ago I think, or perhaps a year ago, for other reasons...and I stayed only a short time. I was shocked by all the stuff I read and said..WELL that does not apply to me, my guy is different, he and his wife are like roomates, they drifted apart after 30 years, and all the usual suspect lines.
What really surprised me was not that, it was that all of these women, OW seemed to have very similar intense, real, and unique feelings abt their MM, and each situation seemed like the MM was actually wildly in love with the OM here. I was so naive thinking my situation was so different, because I am not naive, I dated hundreds of men in my life, well a lot, and I never had to really hunt for a mans attention (NOT at all being cocky, I am not....) I am just saying dating and attention was not hard to find..and I dated very kind and generous men. SO I thought that there was no way my situation was the same as all the other OW...and YET what I did come to find, and finally admit, is that the situations often carry a similar thread...and many smart, bright, decent women with a lot to offer, find themselves in the throws of an affair.
To us as individuals, it feels utterly unique ..mindblowing, passionate, sureal or whatever it feels to be these taken men we love...but stay here long enough, and you see some hard truths. I learn them everyday, especially lately.
Do I think some MM really love the OW, yes, and some MM are good men, and cheat. BUT we need to take off the rose colored glasses and stop excusing their behavior to us and to their wives, and not keep letting these men put us second and take what they want, on their terms, and walk away in a second or ignore us or whatever at any time because it is not a good time for them.
NO F-ing wonder these MM think the OW are great, we serve all the needs and holes (the missing needs and holes) that a marriage may not fulfill. We give them attention, sex, our hearts, an ear to lend, and they dont have to live with us and have a real relationship.
I guarantee that more often than not, if these men committed to the OW, and lived with them, then the OW would eventually become what the spouse was, they would have their own set of issues, challenges, fights, and the whole dynamic would change. Most often...it would never work anyway. Most of these MM who cheat want the fantasy that everything will stay the same with the OW, and that he wont have to have the same issues and responsibilities and problems, cause he is not coming home to you...yet....
does that make sense...we like what we cant really have, and once it becomes ours for good, its a whole other story...the challenge and intoxication is fun, the reality often is not
HUGS to you, stay strong, go out, enjoy life. NO man or women is worth ruining your life over, its YOUR LIFE
Alpha- you didn't rearrange anything for him? wow. How did he feel puzzle-piecing himself in and around your life? I wonder why he would go so far with you and then not be able to pull the trigger so to speak? I mean, I just don't understand- and if I remember correctly it was 1 week before that he told you? How are you managing? Does he still call? (sorry if you have already posted about this) Do you still see him? If you do how do you contain your bitterness? or anger? or sadness?
Well I honestly did make some drawer and closet space for him, which he knew, but beyond that, not a thing. He was moving into my home and not bringing anything besides his clothes. He was going to get the single side of the garage for his truck, while I would still claim the double side for my one car. Beyond that, I wasnt changing anything else in my life for him to move in. Maybe I always knew deep down he wouldnt come, or maybe I wanted to see how we worked out living together before I started making more changes for him.
I think he went as far as he did because he really and truly wanted to believe within himself that he was capable of doing this. I think he really loves me, and wanted to think he was able to leave his unhappy M and pursue a better life for himself. He wanted to believe in himself for the first time.
Yes, it was last weekend that I confronted him on his recent behavior of pulling away a bit, while still professing his love and intention to move in this weekend.
How am I? Doing really well, actually. I raged on him last week and told him everything I wanted to. My rage was really about being so angry at him for swearing and promising wed be together. If he never led me on and we just ended because I wanted more and he wasnt going to leave his W, I would have been sad, but not as pissed as I was for the lying. Im over it, though. I purged it, and released it.
Now, Im just sad and lonely, and tired at the thought of starting over again.
And I dont contain emotions, DiDi. I believe in getting them out so they dont fester. Highly recommend it. ha ha
As far as the OP, my x-MM kept telling me for the last two weeks before we split that all the times he was not texting back or calling, it was the best "for us" as he claimed he wanted to make a clean break without his W finding out about me and the affair. That was the only thing he ever did that he passed off as being in "our best interest" even though he knew it was eating me alive to suddenly not have him as available as he once was. Who knows. Maybe he was telling the truth, or maybe it was BS. Irrelevant now.
And I hope to not see him again. I have taken steps in the last few days to ensure we wont run into each other in the usual places we would go before we even met. I just think it will help me heal easier to not run into him at the coffee shop, or gas station, or fitness center.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
