A couple has a huge intense fight Tuesday morning. The problem is: the guy's ex who is harassing both the guy and the girl by spamming their Email Inboxes with a ton of nasty manipulative emails. The ex has also been sending the guy pics and videos of her naked. Dont worry, the guy told her to stop but she didnt and just started doing it more. However, the ex is definitely sending more emails to the girl and theyre alot meaner. The guy and girl have been fighting for some time over this, but never had a fight this intense about it. It is mostly the girls fault for overreacting.
At the end of this fight, the guy says to the girl "I dont want to be with you anymore" at the end, due to some hurtful things she said. The girl admits she loves him at the end of the fight, she has never said I love you before, but she was agreeing with him that they needed to break up. However, she changed her mind for sure later that day and thinks they broke up due to the intense emotions of the fight, as she and him were both extremely pissed and upset. She leaves a few messages saying how profusely sorry she is and how she meant it when she said she loved him. He says "i cant talk today ill call you later, on Friday" since hes very stressed out over it.
The girl messes up and texts him a few times and calls a few times, again saying shes sorry on Wed and Thurs, before theyre suppose to have a talk. She did this because she was stressed out and needed to get it out, but then realizes it was a mistake and she was just pushing him away.
Today, Friday the day theyre suppose to talk, the guy texts saying "im sorry, i cant be with you, dont want to talk, just want it to be over" The girl goes to his house to talk. Both the guy and girl are very stressed out and crying for most of the time theyre talking, but of course the girl is crying alot more. The girl explains herself and why the fight started (her reacting to a manipulative email of the ex) asking several times for another chance. The guy messed up previously a few months ago and the girl gave him a chance, and the guy stopped what he was doing before and then everything was fine. The girl points this out and says she will stop doing what has made him mad and that shes sorry she stressed him out even by more contacting him when he needed space. But to please give her another chance. The guy says no and wants her to leave. The guy explains how upset he has been recently. The girl keeps asking for a chance and says with this problem that caused them to fight being out of the way, the ex, (they both blocked her and decided if they saw an email from her they wouldnt open it) that they'll be fine since they dont have any other problems in their relationship.
Towards the end of the fight, the guy starts saying "I just cant be with you right now, I need to not have a girlfriend right now" and keeps saying this is stressing him out too much. He says he'll call next week. The girl says "No, you're saying that to get me to leave" and the guy responds "I'll call u next week" The girl doesnt believe him. The guy did say towards the middle of the fight that he needed a few weeks, but he also said "i cant be with you" a lot moe. The girl bitterly says "Ok, well maybe you should email your ex and let her know she won." and leaves
Im the girl. Ive deleted his phone number (which I dont have memorized) off my phone so I wont be tempted to call him or text him during this next week. But honestly even if I didnt delete his number, at this point Im way too terrified to try to contact him at all.
Maybe Im being negative but I see no hope. Im frustrated, because one of the times I left a message on Wed I said "if you arent calm enough to talk Friday, its fine, take all the time you need" and he didnt tell me he needed more time. I cant tell if he knows hes going to tell me its really over in a week or just needs time to think. Do you have any insights?
He said he didnt want to give me another chance, because breaking up with me a second time would be too painful. Obviously, he doesnt believe me when I said Id stop overreacting about his ex. I changed my email and blocked her, and if she does find a way to contact me again I wont bother with her. I said I was 100% sure I wouldnt overreact or start fights anymore and I really meant it. I am not giving up on this relationship. He is perfect other than this thing with his ex, like I told him during the fight. Thats why if we are going to really break up, Im going to be heartbroken, because Im so happy with him other than his ex. But I dont think he believes me, he thinks Ill keep overreacting. I told him not let his ex win, which he is letting her do, because she is just trying to break us up and get back with him. He knows shes trying to do this.
If I really give him his space and dont talk to him at all this week, will this be 1) a getting back together call? Or 2) is he just postponing breaking up with me again.
If its the 2nd one I dont understand- he said breaking up with me a second time would be too painful. But, he said he'd call next week. I dont think I can deal all week having hope, and then he just officially tells me its over. Does this mean theres a small chance hed give me another chance and thats why he said hed call next week?
Last edited by meredithm; 6th November 2009 at 5:42 PM..
Uh no, not at all, my ex never shed a tear while I cried my eyes out in front of her.
Anyways. This situation sucks. Don't blame yourself for "overreacting" about the ex, seems like a reasonable reaction to me. What took you guys so long to figure out to just block her stupid emails?
The only thing you can do for certain is leave him ALONE right now. Let him miss you. If he is doing this in any way to eventually get back with that ex, then forget him. But right now just give him space. This whole thing needs to cool off.
You want to know whether he is going to call to get back with you or to give you bad news, you know none of us can answer that. No point analyzing it, I know you'll spend this entire time trying to figure it out, but you're wasting your energy. Just spend this week focusing on yourself and healing yourself the best you can, and hope for the best. If he loves you he will realize that he IS letting this manipulative ex ruin everything. If he doesn't come back, then let him deal with his mess alone.
Last edited by Exit; 7th November 2009 at 4:59 AM..
yea well it's alwyas been that way for me. many nights spent crying alone, but what can you do you can't call and wake anybody up if it's not an emergency..so just tears at night and trying not to make any of the big sobbing noises and try to just let them be the silent tears that just spill out so as not to wake anybody up and get in trouble.
but yea no honestly Exit, I have to say this very directly and honestly from my heart from my personal experience and many friends both male and female, and just an instinct...I am sorry if people think this is misadrist or something but at some point you have to start getting real and not just worrying about being fair as in being perfectly equal..cause you know trying to be perfectly equal and fair isn't really fair if it isn't the actual truth. I heard that Amanpour lady journalist say something like that once on the radio and never forgot it when she was talking about opposing forces of the middle east or something. She was talking about journalistic integrity....
yes, I do think women are more ruthlessly left broken hearted and crying by men than the other way around...and it's NOT just because of hormones and women just tending to expel more literal salt water tears from their tear ducts. nor is it because women tend to cling to men for their happiness and bla bla bla romantic comedies they watched as little girls make them expect too much, that is mostly urban myth..it's natural for all human beings to hope for and even expect love, indeed true love, to come to them..may not end up being the reality of each individuals lives and you learn that as you get older as you learn many things about life, but it's natural to start out that way and stay that way till you learn different...it's all about something much more complicated about the way men deal with or are not ABLE to deal with emotions and honesty.
where that all comes from I have absolutely no clue.
When he messed up:
When the ex sent him the email with a video her stripping, he wrote back and said this:
"Hey, is this because I didnt wish you a happy birthday? Anyway, email is fine, facebook sucks because whenever someone writes on my wall I have people commenting on it to me. oh, and i got your 2 voicemails here the other day sorry my cell phone's reception sucks, but it scared me because my girlfriend is crazy enough to do that"
i know what we wrote because the ex then forwarded the email to me. I was mad he was saying to her to email him and not facebook so no one would know.
the 2 voicemails refer to the fact that "apparently" someone sent a hate letter to his ex on Facebook. the ex called my boyfriend and left a message saying "hey, I got a hate letter it might be your girlfriend" but she called back 30 mins later and left another one saying "nope, wasnt her never mind"
This happened 2 weeks before the video of her strpping arrived in his email Inbox. So he knew I didnt send the hate letter but yet still called me crazy. I have asked him many times about this and he said "I meant in the few seconds between those messages I got I was scared" "I dont know what you're capable of" "youve been jealous of her in the past is what I meant" He does know he screwed up on this one and kept trying to make it up to me. Hes never screwed up before, so I let it go.
We've been together exclusively 4 months. We were together 4 months before that. We dated for a month, then the next 3 months I studied abroad and thats how we became attached. Lots of people thought this was cute because usually when people go off to study abroad they break up not become attached. We're 21 and 22; seniors in college.
Last edited by meredithm; 7th November 2009 at 11:24 AM..
What would happen if he blocked the ex on FB and changed his e-mail/phone number, etc? To me, these actions would be clear signs that he is over her and prioritizing your potential and relationship. Do you agree? If you do, communicate that to him, as you did regarding your own actions wrt his ex, and then leave it to him to act in a positive manner. Continue on with your young life and studies. Big world out there
If I'm reading correctly that he broke up with you, then it's incumbent upon him to decide if that's going to stick or whether he wants to put this ex behind him and rebuild your relationship. Your decision is whether/if you want that and, if so, what are the parameters for that process. I'm sure it's a lot more complicated than his ex, but that issue is a good start.
A good question to ask yourself during this time would be are you still attracted to him and, considering the totality of what you shared, why? This can reveal aspects of yourself which you can learn from, moving forward.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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