[cheeze]

My short sad story is like this: i had a serious relation with my bf (now ex ) for 4 yrs. With time the expectations and feelings increased. But, he got married recently and Im having suchch a hard time accepting it.

Iv been around LC and feel its a community full of wonderful people. I recently shifted to a new place and have no friends here...so no1 to talk about what im going through...(except my ex!)

all these yrs my ex was the focal point of my life...i adored, idolized and loved him. But he did not stand by me . The break up has taken everything from me. I used to be a confident person...i hate myself now...iv no motivation...nothing to look forward to...every day is a drag...m going to work half heartedly....

Since his marriage, Iv tried NC...2 days max and then go back to talk to him....Im so pathetic that I dont even consider he is married now .... I wanted him to stick by me...I wanted him to come back so bad....I want to stop being a dreamer...I have so many unanswered questions...so much to ask him and tell him...

yesterday i decided to go NC again...cried my eyes out at night...and morning again i msgd him (damn the technology)...Its harder because i know he didnt want to get married (arranged marriage concept here ) ...hes sad too....and he loes *loved* me a lot.....Its such a helpless situation I dont know what to do

is love only a concept to be read in books?do people never stand up for their love....all my friends are getting married....and my dreams have been shattered...I dont want to get up ever again when i sleep tonight

[9Lives]

Poor baby!!! My goodness. I know how you feel. You have to let go. He has. You are just hurting yourself more and more and more. Accept what has happen and completely let go. It is the only way. hugs and hugs and hugs

[cheeze]

thanks so much for replying..feels nice that some one bothered about me

I feel so wasted...havent messaged him today...dont know how long i can stick to it...I wish he came back ...when will i move on...maybe i dont want to move on..i dont know how

[cheeze]

Originally Posted by 9Lives

hugs and hugs and hugs

thanks so much for them..

[GrayClouds]

This

Originally Posted by cheeze

all these yrs my ex was the focal point of my life...i adored, idolized and loved him. ...

leads to this

Originally Posted by cheeze

i hate myself now...iv no motivation...nothing to look forward to...every day is a drag...m going to work half heartedly....

If you spend all your effort making someone your life at some point you will find you don't have one of your own.

The good news is now you know what to do. This is life telling you it is time to focus on what really matters: YOU. Yes the pain hurts but it is there to get you moving on you. How?

Stop thinking about the Ex by getting busy with lots and lots of exercise. It make you feel better and feeling better give you courage. The courage to try new things hobbies, volunteering, learning to go to movies or coffe shops by yourself. Figuring out how to have a great night alone on a Friday (that ones hard be very possible). Implementing No Contact for real. Read a book about break ups and self discovery (I suggest this one http://www.abandonment.net/journey.frame.html)

You may feel sad, because it is. For your not only ended a relationship but saying good by to someone you once know well...the old you. It is also very exciting because soon your going to meet someone really cool...(yes you guessed it) the new improved you (and I suspect it will be quite a love affair ). Congratulation and have fun.

[cheeze]

Originally Posted by GrayClouds

Stop thinking about the Ex by getting busy with lots and lots of exercise. It make you feel better and feeling better give you courage. The courage to try new things hobbies, volunteering, learning to go to movies or coffe shops by yourself. Figuring out how to have a great night alone on a Friday (that ones hard be very possible). Implementing No Contact for real. Read a book about break ups and self discovery (I suggest this one http://www.abandonment.net/journey.frame.html)

I read a lot about getting busy.Im trying, but I cant concentrate on anything else. The moment i sit down to do anything he is back into my head.I want to talk to him one last time, to make him realize how much he has hurt me. There are other times when I want to talk to him one last time because I feel he is not happy and he needs me. My head is so so messed up right now.
During the last 4yrs there wasnt a time when we were not talking to each other..and now its like he doesnot care whether I exist or not. why!?

[GrayClouds]

Originally Posted by cheeze

The moment i sit down to do anything he is back into my head.

That is great. Keep it up for one moment will lead to 2 and then to 3 moments before the ghost shows up again but before you know it it will be a whole minute, then hour then ect.

Originally Posted by cheeze

I want to talk to him one last time, to make him realize how much he has hurt me.

Sorry but you will come off like a crazy woman and confirm to him reasons for the leaving.

Originally Posted by cheeze

There are other times when I want to talk to him one last time because I feel he is not happy and he needs me.

Good he shouldn't be happy he left a great gal, but you need to work on being happy because you get to still be with that great gal.

Originally Posted by cheeze

My head is so so messed up right now.
During the last 4yrs there wasnt a time when we were not talking to each other

Give your self some time, it is like breaking a bad habit but focus on yourself and take care of you as if you was taking care of him.

Originally Posted by cheeze

and now its like he does not care whether I exist or not. why!?

And maybe he does care but know you need time and space to heal, maybe he is full of guilt and he can face you, may be he is just a loser. but none of that matters. What matters is you focusing on yourself and doing some good for yourself.

What are you going to do tonight that is good for you?

How about a bubble bath (you girls like that stuff), candles and a good book after a long walk.

And when the moments comes where is shows up in your head, let them come and then tell them to go and just keep that up.

[cheeze]

Originally Posted by GrayClouds

maybe he is full of guilt and he can face you, may be he is just a loser. but none of that matters.

Maybe you are right coz whenever we talked, he apologised for not standing by me and told me how he could not connect to his wife (at all levels)...but hearing all of that doesnot help me at all...whatever he maybe feeling he is still with her and not with me....that hurts

Anyways its the 2nd day of NC (yet again!)...third day is always impossible for me..maybe il switchoff my cell and hide it somewhere tomorrow

Originally Posted by GrayClouds

he left a great gal, but you need to work on being happy because you get to still be with that great gal.

you think so!

Originally Posted by GrayClouds

What are you going to do tonight that is good for you?
How about a bubble bath (you girls like that stuff), candles and a good book after a long walk.

going to try one or all of them...and telling myself im not all that bad!

god its so tough...its as if my brain doesnot want me to forget the past and move on.

[GrayClouds]

Originally Posted by cheeze

but hearing all of that doesnot help me at all.

That is why NC is important for you now.

Answers questions do not lead to answers but to another question. Every last conversation leads to the need for one more.

Originally Posted by cheeze

god its so tough...its as if my brain does not want me to forget the past and move on.

I suspect it is not that the brain is trying to hold on to the past, that is just a very convenient be it painful way to avoid the future. that is why you need to be doing this stuff:

Stop thinking about the Ex by getting busy with lots and lots of exercise. It make you feel better and feeling better give you courage. The courage to try new things hobbies, volunteering, learning to go to movies or coffe shops by yourself. Figuring out how to have a great night alone on a Friday (that ones hard be very possible). Implementing No Contact for real. Read a book about break ups and self discovery (I suggest this one http://www.abandonment.net/journey.frame.html)

For that is more then about being busy or a distraction. It is about gaining insight, learning about yourself, understanding how to make yourself happy. It builds confidence and courage. To attract healthy people to you not one who can not commit or emotionally unavailable.

If your doing them just to be busy ( and sometime we do) they are significantly more difficult to wkkp doing but it you do them knowing your being kind to yourself, moving yourself to a better place then they become much easier.

PS get the book it will help you alot.

[GrayClouds]

Originally Posted by cheeze

you think so!

Yes but more important you do.

Originally Posted by cheeze

.and telling myself im not all that bad!

Why are you bad, because some guy who married someone he can not emotionally connect too is no longer in your life, good riddens! If that is true then most likely you were doing all the emotional work in your relationship. That is not fair to anyone. cheeze here is a secrete...you don't have to work that hard in quality relationships.

No wonder your wiped out, you been working so hard for so long, you do not even know what to do know. Wow that just proves how strong of a person you are! If you put half that amount of effort in yourself right now you will get ten times the amount of returns.