[Annie45]

I did post a message here, but I think it's best I speak with my boyfriend. Communication is the most important thing.

[aerogurl87]

Originally Posted by Annie45

Is it selfish to want a boyfriend who is no longer friends with his ex after they're divorced, whom he was with for over 10 years? To have him put himself in my shoes too? I feel as though they're never going to get a divorce.

Hmm two years later and he's still her shoulder to cry on? This reminds me of what would've happened had my ex and I stayed friends. We "got each other" too and although us getting back together would never have happened, I'm pretty sure the emotional connection we felt for one another would've been very intimidating for either of our future SOs. When someone is best friends with an ex they have a long history with, that's usually not good for their current relationship. I can see being friends maybe, especially if children are involved or being amicable, but it sounds like they are best friends and like she is at least still trying to hold on to their past in some weird way. It also sounds like your boyfriend isn't in too much of a hurry to severe the ties on what they had, and so yes I'd be upset too. But talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. Tell him to imagine if he were in your situation and how things would look to him. That might help.

[canadaguy98]

I can sympathize in both direction.

My ex fiancee I was with for 9 years is still my friend. The deep connection that we had over that long amount of time really made her ultimately the best friend I've ever had. All the shared experiences over that length of time really made both of us who we are today and we can make a tiny reference like "bull**** campsite" and not only do we know the exact spot which is the bull**** campsite but years of memories of laughing about the place and even the one year we ended up camping in the bull**** campsite. (dont try to understand cuz you wont; but thats my point).

It is however really intimidating for anyone that we are currently with though. All those stories and experiences tend to come up and if either of us has a wicked fight with our SO or if we're really depressed and feel like life is just against us the first impulse is always to call eachother, even if we dont and suppress it. Like when I was with a BPD girl and I was at wits end I wanted to call my ex because I didnt know what to do... Or when she was booked for a trip to central america with her boyfriend tickets purchased and everything and the guy dumped her a week before the trip but still intended to go with her she called me and said she wishes that she was going with me instead of this idiot.

Its a tricky situation I think for everyone involved. There's a lot of history there between the two but the new person/lover in each person's life is bound to be intimidated by this person. Also is the challenge of the person with the ex thinking, hey I dont want to toast this person I've known for a decade out of my life for this girl I have only known for a few months what if it doesnt work out I'll lose my best friend. Its hard enough to even be friends with an ex as it is, a very tricky business in and of itself that takes a very slight touch and careful hand.

The best thing is to bring up to him specific things that bother you. Like if he always is hanging around with her without you then you have to bring that up as something that really bothers you. Or if he is always bringing her up in conversation and it's making you feel insecure bring it up to him and suggest an alternative way for him to tell his stories without mentioning her so much.

I dont know yeah I still have tremendous feelings for my ex but even if she came to me and said hey lets get back together I'd have really deep seated reservations about that because she hurt me so badly. Sometimes you just have such a deep friendship you dont want to let the friendship part go even if the romance has died.

Communication is the most important part - even though it's an ex remember that that it's also a friend. You wouldn't want your guy to ask you to cut off all contact with a guy friend of yours that you've known for ten years just because the guy makes him feel insecure.

And also remember that if the guy is still friends with his ex then that's probably a good indicator that he doesn't treat his girls like a jerk; because if he did she probably wouldn't want to be friends with him, so its kind of a blessing in disguise. Plus if you make friends with the ex she may be able to give you pointers on things that he likes/dislikes and for great surprise gifts.

Your best bet is to try to be friends with her too - dont feel so threatened.

[phineas]

I really don't understand how you can be real close friends with an EX & not have it turn into friends with benefits.

I know people that are friends with ex's but it's usually a "hey how you been, how's the family" phone call, e-mail, text message.

Not overly long phone conversations or spending time alone together.
That's just weird to me.