[complicatedlife]

I haven't been here in awhile, so I thought I'd stop in to say hi (HI!!) and give you all an update and some perspective from a fOW.

Still with my boyfriend (fMM). We split up for a short time and had NC during that period - it was difficult, but worth it in the end - NC can do wonders for putting you in perspective. I can't say that it's been all smooth sailing; some of it has been quite the opposite (it's mostly related to the fBS - she hates anything having to do with my fMM, any "extra" time we have with the children, any extra money that she thinks is around, or anything resembling him! Lol). The love and care are there and I would say that it's stronger, deeper, and better than before - perhaps it's the ability to finally be able to BE those things not just in my world, but in his. And I can honestly say that he doesn't seem to have any issues with me other than "normal" relationship issues.

But...

I can't seem to shake thoughts of:

1. What will he do when we get married and have issues? Even though we have great, open and honest communication, he was in a relationship where for many years, it was easier to NOT discuss issues to keep peace. Has he really unlearned that behavior?

2. And if we do have problems and he decides not to share his concerns with me, will he allow the same emotional disconnection to happen to us, therefore allowing a possible window of opportunity to cheat?

3. When do I get to stop walking on eggshells for fear of being manipulative and secretive like "her" and sometimes "ALL women"? Do all divorced men go through a phase of "women don't ever tell the truth about what they really want from men which is pretty much a sperm donor and his weekly check?" How can I feel comfortable having children with him (we both would like to) with that kind of view?

While these may seem like small concerns, it really isn't small when you have to deal with number 3 on a daily basis with the (mental) threat of 1 and 2!

I guess I want to say that while some situations such as mine end up going in the OWs favor, it is at a cost. Thank God the children are adjusting well, but what if that wasn't the case? That would take precedence over 1, 2, and 3. In such a situation, before you decide that this is the man you want to be with, think very long and hard about the aftermath. I love him completely, with all of his flaws - and I stand with and by him no matter what.....but it is not easy; be prepared - not all have a smooth transition like my friend GEL, and not all are without many complications.

It's nice to be able to come back here and share with you guys; you all are missed.

[NoIDidn't]

I am glad to see you, complicatedlife. And also glad that you are thinking about those things. It concerns me that he is saying "all women" and the like. You shouldn't have to be on eggshells trying not to be like "her".

Get thee to couples counselling as soon as his divorce is final and it doesn't seem like it will overwhelm him emotionally. If that's not possible, tell him what you have said here.

The eggshells is the most concerning thing to me. I remember going through a period like that before I married my H and I can tell you I nipped that in the bud after a few days of it. I can't remember where I read it, but this is a red flag type thing in a boyfriend. But since your situation is *unique* in that he is divorcing and its a common thing divorcing people go through, I can't say its as big as if he were single and he broke up with an abusive, secretive person ten years ago. KWIM?

Glad to see you even for a moment. But look into that couples counselling, and maybe even some IC for him with you wondering if he learned from his mistakes in his marriage (regarding communication) as I am sure that he didn't start off just keeping the peace there either.

[justwantlove]

Im so glad that you came on and posted this. Its the perfect timing for me right now. I definitely needed to read a succes story. I read what everyone says about the bad experiences that they have had or are going through. it starts to tear down my hope and makes me question my belife in my mm.
Coming here has opened my eyes to the fact that he could be lying to me so it still does help.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Originally Posted by complicatedlife

1. What will he do when we get married and have issues? Even though we have great, open and honest communication, he was in a relationship where for many years, it was easier to NOT discuss issues to keep peace. Has he really unlearned that behavior?

Are you just like her? If not... don't worry, this will answer itself in time.

Originally Posted by complicatedlife

2. And if we do have problems and he decides not to share his concerns with me, will he allow the same emotional disconnection to happen to us, therefore allowing a possible window of opportunity to cheat?

I can tell you from experience, when a man shuts down... it's because emotional sharing was a painful experience. Answer... don't make it painful.

Originally Posted by complicatedlife

3. When do I get to stop walking on eggshells for fear of being manipulative and secretive like "her" and sometimes "ALL women"? Do all divorced men go through a phase of "women don't ever tell the truth about what they really want from men which is pretty much a sperm donor and his weekly check?" How can I feel comfortable having children with him (we both would like to) with that kind of view?

Yes, guys go through that. It's called cynicism. That's what happens when you stop being naive.

Don't walk on eggshells. Be yourself. Unless yourself means manipulative and secretive.

[OWoman]

Originally Posted by complicatedlife

I can't seem to shake thoughts of:

1. What will he do when we get married and have issues? Even though we have great, open and honest communication, he was in a relationship where for many years, it was easier to NOT discuss issues to keep peace. Has he really unlearned that behavior?

2. And if we do have problems and he decides not to share his concerns with me, will he allow the same emotional disconnection to happen to us, therefore allowing a possible window of opportunity to cheat?

3. When do I get to stop walking on eggshells for fear of being manipulative and secretive like "her" and sometimes "ALL women"? Do all divorced men go through a phase of "women don't ever tell the truth about what they really want from men which is pretty much a sperm donor and his weekly check?" How can I feel comfortable having children with him (we both would like to) with that kind of view?

While these may seem like small concerns, it really isn't small when you have to deal with number 3 on a daily basis with the (mental) threat of 1 and 2!

I guess I want to say that while some situations such as mine end up going in the OWs favor, it is at a cost. Thank God the children are adjusting well, but what if that wasn't the case? That would take precedence over 1, 2, and 3. In such a situation, before you decide that this is the man you want to be with, think very long and hard about the aftermath. I love him completely, with all of his flaws - and I stand with and by him no matter what.....but it is not easy; be prepared - not all have a smooth transition like my friend GEL, and not all are without many complications.

It's nice to be able to come back here and share with you guys; you all are missed.

Great to see you back, CL - and that things are going well with you.

I think the concerns you have are legitimate in any post-D R; or any R that follows a traumatic break-up. I know in my own M my H and I are very wary of repeating any patterns that might resonate with those of his former M. It takes work - and a great deal fo self-awareness - but your biggest ally in this is other people. Friends and family treat us so differently to how they treated them, that our social personae are so different to theirs, and this carries back home, too. Because the kids are very different around us, we don't fall into those roles, and we're more able to be ourselves.

I don't think you should walk on eggshells, though. That creates an unhealthy precedent and a bad pattern all of its own. You're you, and not "all women" and especially not "her". If he has difficulty seeing that at times, he needs to have it pointed out to him gently and himself plucked out of that headspace. He is the one with the issues - they should not become yours. Be yourself and let him deal with it - he'll have to, sooner or later, if you're to have a sustainable future with him.