[catodc09]

So, I'm new here... here's my issue...

I am in a nearly 4-year relationship with my boyfriend (our 4 year anniversary would be in January), and I've recently realized that I am in an emotional affair with a co-worker. My boyfriend and I have been living together for nearly 3 years, and have generally had a good relationship together. When we got together he was just out of undergrad and I had a year left. Since we've been together he's gone back to grad school for one masters, and is actually currently working on his second masters. I am in my first term of grad school.

When I first became aware of this emotional affair with my co-worker, the first thing I did was ask what was wrong in my current relationship. The answers I have come up with are that I want to be living up my early twenties more than him -- I want to go out with friends and do fun things in my spare time. He's really a homebody and would much rather relax at home. That means that we're spending a lot less time together, and when he comes out with me I feel like I'm forcing him. This takes away from the fun that I would like to be having. The other major concern I have is financial. He has lots of student loan debt with no real plan for payment, and his current employment track is not one that makes for financial stability. I am also incurring student loan debt, but have a solid plan for repayment. His financial instability makes me really nervous about continuing to build a life together. Is this selfish???? Also, intimacy has been an issue for several months. When we are intimate, it is not passionate, and I have been intimate more out of obligation than other reasons...

So, the crush. He and I work together and the crush came out of nowhere for me. I've had other little crushes while in this relationship, but they've been really minor and went away quickly. I have recognized this crush for over two months now, and it just keeps getting more intense. I look forward to going to work more than being home with my boyfriend, because I know I'll see my crush. He and I get lunch together and are in a group of friends who go out after work for drinks regularly. If I take him out of my life, I take them out of my life as well. I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.

He is technically higher-ranking than me. Even if I were single, we could not make anything of this crush because it could possibly damage his reputation at work to be dating me. He and I have not discussed the connection we have, so that last sentence is an assumption I've made -- it helps me feel better to look at this objectively. I realize that this crush, no matter how nice it feels when I'm with him, is a symptom of issues with my current relationship. My question is this -- I'm not married to my boyfriend and we're not likely to get married in the next couple of years because we're in school. At what point are these issues in my relationship something I need to wade through and try to fix, or are they too far gone? None of the advice out there that I found fit my situation. Most people are married when they experience the emotional affair, so they have more of an obligation to stay in the relationship than I do. We live together, so division of furniture, etc. would be an issue, but we haven't joined finances or anything. I have enjoyed my time with my boyfriend, and truly love him as a person, but I can't tell if the relationship is dead or just needs help.

I've talked to a couple close friends, but they've just given me the "you have to figure it out for yourself" advice... I don't think they want to tell me to break up....

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!

[65tr6]

Originally Posted by catodc09

the first thing I did was ask what was wrong in my current relationship. The answers I have come up with are that I want to be living up my early twenties more than him --

Please don't even go there. Dont rewrite your relationship with your boyfriend. I am fairly certain you said different things about him when you first met him say three years ago. Otherwise why would he be your boyfriend, right ?

There is nothing wrong with your current relationship or everything is wrong with your current relationship. Depends on how you look at it. It is not that complex. The fact is you met some one new, dffierent from your boy friend, you both like each other, you are falling in love.

Is the co-worker married ? have a girl friend ?

Do you believe in honesty in relationships ? If so, tell your boy friend about your new crush and THEN break up with him. Don't just break up with him. Man up for what you did.

[seibert253]

Your post reads as a justification for your current behavior. I'm sorry, but in most of our minds, there exists no justification for any type of affair, no matter what the circumstances of the relationship with your SO.

Look at it in this context, if your BF was doing what you are, with another woman, how would you feel about that?

Have you sat down with your BF and outlined your concerns about your feelings and where your relationship is headed? How can he work to fix things, if he doesn't know what's broke?

With that being said, IMO there's only one way to find out who's your "true love".
1. Break off contact with the OM and end the affair.
2. Be honest with your BF and admit to him what's been going on
3. Work with your BF to attempt to regain what's been lost

Give it sometime, commit to fixing this, don't just go through the motions. If after awhile if it just isn't working, then maybe it is time to move on. If you find your BF isn't the one for you, then both of you deserve to find someone who will give you the love you deserve.