[star23]

My ex broke up with me as he was feeling like a failure, nothing to offer, does not know if he wants kids marriage and does not want to waste my time. I explained these issues dont exists as far as im concerned, agreed on no contact but

He text me lastnight. He text saying I miss you. i had had a few drinks and told him i missed him too. Then he asked if he could come over. I told him no because i had people over. He simply said "no problem have a good night". I didnt reply

Then this morning he text saying sorry for texting you lastnight i do miss you and im sorry i shouldnt have text hope you had a good night otherwise"

I left it for a few hours then text back saying. its a bit long winded

" i miss you too but you clearly are not able to decide if its enough to be with me and thats why u need to think hard about whether or not you want me in your life. These issues with pressure of marraige just do not exist between us. U know how i feel about you so you need to think about how you feel about me. Untill then im moving on in a way because i also need to accept that you might feel so unhappy with yourself for awhile and i cant wait. I told him that i wished we could get through this together but i kind of understand he needs to sort himself out alone.

Have i done the right thing?

He text back and said he knows it is up to him to sort his head out and find out what i want but understands i cant just hang around waiting.

He then explained that although it has nothing to do with me he needs to figure out about going back to uni before he can make any decisions.

Sorry to harp on guys but im struggling a bit? do you think he does want to get back, is he missing me? or just lonely ?

HELP!

[xpaperxcutx]

If he's made it clear he " doesn't want to be with you now" chances are, you're better off moving on. You can't change him as a person and it's unrealistic for you to have to wait for him to decide a problem that serve more self interests on his part.

You're probably not sure what you want either because somewhere down the road you'll probably want kids and a marriage. By saying you didn't mind, you were only trying to comfort him and alleviate his indecisive disposition.

You did the right thing by setting the boundaries and telling him what he needed to do and what you're going to do. When you set these rules, you're letting him know that you deserve to be treated better.

So take what you have said to him also as a rule for yourself that even though you want to be with him, you also have to respect yourself first before others can learn to respect you.

[star23]

Originally Posted by xpaperxcutx

So take what you have said to him also as a rule for yourself that even though you want to be with him, you also have to respect yourself first before others can learn to respect you.

Thank you for getting back to me. And i think i might pin this quote to my wall.

I feel like now i do want to move on, like you said you cant change a preson. If he can change great if not then im out!

Although my heart loved to hear that he missed me my head was so angry! i told him prior to this only to contact me if he can came to some sort of decision about what he wants as anything else would just confuse things.

The he text telling me he misses me and wants to come over with no decision or clarity at all! i mean how disrespectful. So i think my head is starting to work and not be overpowered by my heart!

A big part of me wants him back soooo much and be together but i know if that were to happen now it would be disasterous! I think i just wonder who will come out better off? i imagine he meets someone else and the issues leave him and ill be left like an old spinster! typical women thinking!

is it a case of showing him that a respect myself, he might realise he needs to do more to get me back? but then by then i would have probably moved on .... i hope"

[AnthonyMalibu]

Star, I think you did exactly the right thing. Personally, I don't buy the "I'm breaking up with you because I'm a failure" excuse... sounds overly dramatic to me. It also sounds like the case of a guy wanting to still continue seeing you, but without the pressure of being responsible for the relationship. That way if things don't work out, he can point back and say "Oh well, you knew that I was a failure, and you still wanted to date me... so it's not all my fault".

Stick with your plan of moving on. Unless he comes around and suddenly knows that he wants you for sure, there's no reason to continue with a relationship that sounds destined to be wishy-washy. There are people who fear failure, and people who love to blame others for their own shortcomings. he sounds like the latter.

[star23]

Yeah i think you are right. He does not want to be responsible for my feelings. It just seems all of a sudden you know. I think something is suddenly hit him, like he might be in an adult relationship! He did say that he has never been out with someone for so long and have everyting go ok.

I just find it hard because he had never shown this before. Not that i am wanting anyone to pitty me but one of my very close friends is currently dieing from lung cancer and he was always there for me and seemed to him like a breeze to comfort me. But i dont know if all of that has got to him aswell.

He said that he feels like there is nothing he can do or say that will make me feel better about what is happening which he is finding hard. i explained that there is nothing that can be said you know, its about being there!

I am not the type of person to depend on anyone other than family or friends, so i know i dont NEED him to deal with my own problems but do you think he has buckled under the pressure of feeling like he needs to look after me type thing? and consider someone else?

it just so annoying because he says he cant be with me but clearly misses me, why cant he shake it off?

but i know i need to keep going the way i am which means nc.

[star23]

i am sooo confused! so the ex broke nc last week and told me he missed me. Then this week he text again started talking about how he was feeling. He said he feels confused about his career, his age and also whether or not he wants kids. He said he thought he saw the relationship heading towards a family and marriage (even though non of this was mentioned or talked about) and he does not want that. Then he said but he does not know if he does not want all that at all or just not with me! WTF?

i mean how can someone say they miss you and want to see you one minute then say something like that? Please can someone give me some insight?

[caramel c]

You know what, HE is even more confused than you are! He cannot possibly explain himself to you if he doesn't understand himself first. I'm sorry I know how that feels to want to make sense out of nonsense, but it is impossible I tell you...

[star23]

i know! i just am torn i feel like maybe he is just confused and decided the best thing to do when he comes out with stuff like that to just ignore it. but is he doing it to be cruel? i mean part of me knows he is not capable of being a horrible person but he just seems so different the now. is he getting a kick out of it or is he actaully have no idea what he is thinking or saying?

[caramel c]

Originally Posted by star23

i know! i just am torn i feel like maybe he is just confused and decided the best thing to do when he comes out with stuff like that to just ignore it. but is he doing it to be cruel? i mean part of me knows he is not capable of being a horrible person but he just seems so different the now. is he getting a kick out of it or is he actaully have no idea what he is thinking or saying?

Probably not. My best guess is that since he feels confused, any communication from him will be confusing. It's really that simple. Don't let him complicate your life any further! From now on its what YOU are thinking and feeling, got it, missy?