GRRRRR.....
I know, the title says it all.
I made the decicion to BE the OW, but dammit, I am really getting tired of playing by his rules.
He pops online just quick enough to say hi - gotta run ... W is watching.
OK - so I no he has not and will not tell W about our A.
I have dealt with that.
But I thought he would have asked for a divorce by now.
He said they are talking about it, he is unhappy, he loves me, only wants to be with me, etc.
The same BS I keep reading on here over and over and OVER.
Damn - why do I STAY??? I love him but at the same time the bits and pieces that he gives me are really not enough.
No, I don't want to control him - I don't want to control anyone that I would be seeing .... but he keeps sending me mixed messages.
From all the posts I have read - if he is really leaving - and he really wanted to be with ME, he would BE with ME!!! !
Maybe he is really not going to leave. Why else only give cryptic messages, etc.?
I try to make myself unavailable for him, to let him know what it feels like to only get to talk at 'certain times during the week' - yeah, like when his W isn't home....
Why do I stay in this? Why can I not get enough balls to say that he has to choose? And if he chooses his W - then OK. I am OK with that. At least I would not be the OW any longer and then I could start dealing with all the guilt and anguish I feel from having this A.
Somedays are really harder than others.... and today I needed him, and he wasn't there.
So - I do hate being the OW and yes I do know that it was MY decision to become the OW and I know that.
I just wish my heart would catch up with my head
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