I look back over my 16 year marriage with so much regret and resentment. I know that I'm not perfect, but I tried so hard for so many years. I put up with constantly looking for other men's attention, her vanity, cheating and abusive behavior when I basically got table scraps. I'd go months without sex, but she apparently didn't. I pretty much gave up any sort of life, hobbies, friends... everything because she was so jealous and possessive, yet I was never to question her actions.
I finally had enough and was going to divorce her 10 years ago. She begged me to stay.... she'd do anything to prove to me that she loved me and that she was truly sorry for the way she treated me. She claimed that she accepted Jesus as her Savior and that things would be different, and they were for a while ( a short while). 18 months later, she gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Immediately, she was back to her old self again.
I was fortunate to have a job that only required me to work about 8 days a month. I was able to stay home with our daughter until she went to Pre-K. During this time, my marriage spiraled to the depths of hell. My wife didn't care about be a mother ( or a wife), but she paraded our daughter around because of her beauty, getting us thousands of dollars in debt and putting us both through hell. Oh, and she was running around again. I wanted to leave so bad but she knew my weakness... our daughter. She threatened to take her from me and never let me see her. I'm so close with my DD that I couldn't stand the thought so I toughed it out a while longer.
One day, I finally had enough and asked for a divorce. I had kept a journal of her behavior for years and hoped that if she decided to try to take my DD from me, she'd lose. The divorce was ugly. I was awarded full custody of our DD and had a restraining order against my wife. Of course I heard the same excuses, but I was the happiest I've been in years.
Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out.
Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but it was pretty bad for a while. I had to make a couple of threats to keep a somewhat peaceful home, but... I'm just rambling on at this point.
About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent.
You sound terminally unhappy. Since you have full custody of your child, why not just move on and let your (ex?) W deal with her own issues?
Mr. Lucky
I wasn't very clear in my OP. I edited the last few paragraphs.
Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. A few weeks later the divorce was discharged. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out.
Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but our relationship has been horrible for the most part. Basically, we cycled through a few threats to leave, and a few more "Salvation" experiences.
About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent.
I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done.
Last edited by Jaspe_Loco; 26th October 2009 at 1:08 PM..
I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done.
I don't see the value in beating yourself up over the past. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...we've all been there.
Why not move forward with the changes you regret not making 10 years ago? File for divorce, work out the custody issues and move on with your life. No time like the present ...
I've already started the process, but it take a few weeks to get things together. Tonight, things just got to me and I told her very bluntly that when I look at her the only thing I see is 16 months of hell. I told her that she needs to make arrangements to leave (the house and mortgage is in my name) and yet she is still here. She's going to force me to have her removed like last time. I guess if that's what she wants, so be it.
sorry you are going through this difficult time. but you had many very very bad choices. have you wonder why you had these bad choices? anyway we all are learning through life.
to get her out probably is good for both of your mental health.
Last edited by Lovelybird; 26th October 2009 at 11:22 PM..
I wasn't very clear in my OP. I edited the last few paragraphs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaspe_Loco
Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. A few weeks later the divorce was discharged. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out.
Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but our relationship has been horrible for the most part. Basically, we cycled through a few threats to leave, and a few more "Salvation" experiences.
About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent.
I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done.
I am sorry, i have been reading your posts and threads and usually when i read something i don't like i just keep it to myself..
BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY?
why do you have to be so effing cruel???
because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with?
this is disgusting!!!!!
i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself!
you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!
and NOT do anything violent...wtf do you think those words are?????
words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not!
and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA...
well, good luck pal!
i only Pray NO ONE says to you,
"you repulse me now get out!"
I am sorry, i have been reading your posts and threads and usually when i read something i don't like i just keep it to myself..
BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY?
why do you have to be so effing cruel???
because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with?
this is disgusting!!!!!
i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself!
you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!
and NOT do anything violent...wtf do you think those words are?????
words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not!
and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA...
well, good luck pal!
i only Pray NO ONE says to you,
"you repulse me now get out!"
ya...how would that feel?????????????
azzhole!
DELA, HUN???
I know that seeing him say that triggered something in you. I get that, but go back and RE-READ his original post. There is much more to it than wanting to be with his EA partner.
I still don't think what he said was okay, but I know I called my xH some horrible things when I finally left and to my mind he deserved every one of them for his abusive treatment and serial cheating on me. Hell, I made up cusswords to describe him and called him things that would make a bus load of drunken Marines blush.
Was it right? NO. Two wrongs never make a right, but, sometimes we say things without the compassionate part of our brains ever getting a chance to process it. We just blurt out raw emotions in the midst of long standing pain and suffering.
So, I am sorry that you were so affected by this particular comment, but I don't think that your reaction to it was fair. (And you KNOW that I adore you, so not picking on ya, just lovingly trying to point it out to ya hun!)
(((HUGS DELA)))
If ya ever just need a hug, ask.. we all have bad days, and we understand.
__________________
Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey.
*hugs*delajoonal*hugs*....oh dear...this is a very difficult thread to read for you. But, Jaspe is allowed to express his frustrations too, you know? He has to be as honest as possible with what went down in his marriage so he can get honest feedback too, you know? Please, do not own the things he has said to his wife..his wife is totally different from you....
Jaspe, time to bust the move....get her out of there before it gets any worse. Good luck!
__________________
"....like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon..."
ahh...you are so sweet...and right...thank you for being my friend..
ONLY you the most sensitive and kind LSer i know, can point this out to me and make me see i made a mistake in being so harsh...
BUT i still think those words are awful for anyone to hear...
ok, crying again...the problem, is well, YOU Fallen KNOW why...right?
it's just too close to home...and i am afraid those words cannot be taken back... as well as i believe he said he was in an affair for 3 years as well...correct?
Fallen and tami chan...i wish i could HUG you BOTH !!! for knowing me and understanding and being so kind about my crazy words... even tho i feel they are just, i am going to apologize, simply for upsetting my friends and well, because i am NOT that kind of person...
im hurting so much from my H's own EA those cruddy letters set me off and then to see him (OP) calling his wife repulsive...it made me cry so hard...and again, here i sit crying.
Last edited by delajoonal; 27th October 2009 at 4:03 AM..
Reason: add
BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY?
13 of those years I was less than human to her. I was faithful while she repeatedly cheated on me, took every interest, friend, hobby, etc. away from me, and was violent. When I filed for divorce 3 years ago, I had almost 75 pages entered in my journal and the judge granted me (a man) full custody of our 6 year old daughter. That should tell you about what we went through.
Quote:
because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with?
I started the process of divorce long before my EA.
Quote:
i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself!
you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!
Yeah, I can, because I was dragged through hell for the first 13 years of our marriage. She took advantage of my commitment to God and marriage to do whatever the hell she wanted to do only to claim "Salvation" and that satan made her do it when I had enough. Yes, she gave me a beautiful daughter that I love with all my heart, but she also did every thing she could to take her away from me when I got tired of her infidelity and violent and abusive behavior. She took all of those years from me and I'll never get them back. Sorry, but that makes me feel a bit resentful.
Quote:
words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not!
Well, I guess I can lie to her, tell her that I love her and want to spend the rest of our lives together only to drop the D bomb on her a month from now.... or I can tell her how I really feel and hope she leaves on her on.
Quote:
and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA...
Again, you haven't read all of my posts. I've tried harder than anyone could have been expected to try. Her dad, a pastor no less, has told me on numerous occasions that he couldn't have dealt with the things I've dealt with. My EA has nothing to do with my wife. If my EA left me this moment, I'd still leave my wife.
You know what, going back to the divorce. I had full custody of my daughter and still gave my wife $600 a month, on my own volition, to help her financially. I gave her almost all of our furniture and even offered to let her stay in the house while I paid the house payment until she could refinance the mortgage. All of this because she racked up nearly 20K in credit card bills that I paid off!!! Don't tell me that I'm effing cruel!
Last edited by Jaspe_Loco; 27th October 2009 at 8:48 AM..
sorry you are going through this difficult time. but you had many very very bad choices. have you wonder why you had these bad choices? anyway we all are learning through life.
to get her out probably is good for both of your mental health.
I have made bad decisions. I think it's probably a result of letting bitterness and resentment get hold of my life. I mean, I'm responsible for my own actions, but I think the sooner I get out of this situaltion, the better off I'll be.
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